Our expert says:
There are many good reasons for NOT ending your life, and actually no good reasons for doing so, though, as one slides into a depression, even bad reasons might feel like good ones. You declare yourself in such absolute terms. YOu se yourself as "incapable of making friends" --- not true. Maybe you haven't done so yet, but nobody is incapable of it. You don't have to be lonely. Assertiveness is a small part of the problem, but its increasingly obvious that you are suffering from a really severe Depression --- a common disorder which responds really well to treatment, with antidepressants and CBT --- and fortunately, the same treatments can also help with social anxiety, and thus, with lonelines.
If your sister needs money, with all due respec that is HER problem, which SHE created, and not something you should enable to make you feel even more bad about yourself. Borrowing money, giving it to her and then dying, doesn't solve anything --- as your next of kin, she could be held liable for repaying that debt. And that on top of the damage to her which will be caused by your death --- do NOT underestimate that.
Do NOT hoard pills. Remember also the high risk, with any suicide attempt, by pills or other means, of surviving with every problem intact --- but now physicall damaged as well. If you are feeling as you do, you're on the wrong antidepressant, anyway, an I would suspect that you have not been frank with the doc prescribing the meds or with the person you're seeing for counselling.
Posting silly messages won't help only if you ignore the good advice you're receiving --- and you know it is good, and that you should take it. DOn't make the message silly, unnecessarily. You can transform this situation for the betetr, and deserve a good outcome. But you have to stop cheating those who are already trying to help you, and the others who want to help you. That's not fair to anyone.
And being in the UK, you have the availability of so much more help, free and reachable, that there is no excuse for not allowing yourself to be properly treated. See a psychiatrist as soon as possi ble, and call your SW, and tell them frankly exactly how you are feeling and how strong your suicidal thoughts have been. Get the proper help --- and I look forward to hearing more from you on the forum over the next few months, as the situation can and will improve, so long as you allow it to do so.
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