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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2010-11-10

Lies &  manipulation?

Hi CS &  Readers

I don''t know if I am making too much of a big deal by feeling discouraged by this, please help me with your views?

About 6 weeks ago, my bf and I had just broken up. HE went out to a party that we were both supposed to attend, but which I didnt go to for fear of things being awkward as we broke up the night BEFORE this party.

A couple weeks later we got back together after much pleading &  promises of change on his part (which he has somewhat kept to &  also somewhat not kept to since). One of the things he said before we got back together was that he went to the party because he felt it was polite, he said he had a terrible time, had a couple of beers and left early because he felt so miserable &  heart sore without me.

This week an aquaintance of mine put up pics of the party on the web. Contrary to him having a terrible time, there are dozens of pictures of him dancing, obviously drunk. Another thing, he has always told me that he NEVER dances unless he is very drunk.

Part of our issues previously (&  now it seems) is that I feel what he says he does/is going to do &  what he actually does are 2 different things. I also feel that he is manipulative.

In fairness, he does have his good points too though.

When I asked him about the dancing he still insisted he didn''t have a good time &  it " would have been much better if I was there"  and then proceded to ask me if I was going to call him a liar!

To be honest, I don''t care if he had a good/drunken time &  I know he could have been drunk that night because he didn''t feel happy about our break up .... BUT then WHY LIE about it to me??!!

Thanks everyone!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Aha ! The Curse of Facebook strikes again ! Why do people so rarely realize that if people take pictures of you, they can end up on the web and seen by people you might not want to witness them ?
Anyhow, I understand - you don't care whether he enjoyed himself that night, but whether he lied about it. A man wild with grief may even drink himself silly and dance himself exhausted.
Maybe there's a clue to understanding him in his comments - basically he's saying it's not that he had an AWFUl time at the party, but he'd have had an even better time were you there ; and anyway, he probably didn't think of what he was saying there as a reporter's objective description, but as a way of paying you a compliment, and as something nice to say, even if inaccurate. Maybe not a great idea ; but then how often do you meet loathsome people, and say : "Ah ! How LOVELY to see you !" ?

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Zee | 2010-11-11

Did you ever think he " acted"  to fool other people thinking he was happy. In the mean time, he was sincere in saying what he told and told you the truth. Come on, if a guy breaks up with his GF, do you think he is going to go to a party to weep and cry and look for sympathy. Either you love him or not, but be grateful he was not with another girl at the party or found comfort in being with another girl at the party

Reply to Zee
Posted by: PH | 2010-11-10

Thanks PH. The whole point was not that he had a good time or pretended he had a good time, as you correctly point out that woud be what is expected at a party.
The point for me was that he made such a big deal about telling me what a lousy time he had, that he only drank 2 beers &  went home early when he was trying to get me to get back together with him ... really pulling at the heart strings, not only about the party, but the whole time we were apart  trying to get me to feel sorry for him.
Why make a point about specifically bringing it up &  lying about it when I didnt even ask him about it?

Reply to PH
Posted by: Ph | 2010-11-10

So in essence you expected his pictures to portray a sad looking dude who has tears rolling on his cheeks because of the events of the night before? It was a party and as such maybe he just wanted to pick up his spirit. Personally I am not your usual party animal and do not even dance and do not attend parties, but if I went to someone''s party, I would carry myself well and not cloud someone''s happy event with my sad life. Should an opportunity of taking pictures avail itself, I will smile. I was told something a few years ago that, no matter how difficult it is, when you are amongst other people, SMILE.

Reply to Ph
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-11-10

Aha ! The Curse of Facebook strikes again ! Why do people so rarely realize that if people take pictures of you, they can end up on the web and seen by people you might not want to witness them ?
Anyhow, I understand - you don't care whether he enjoyed himself that night, but whether he lied about it. A man wild with grief may even drink himself silly and dance himself exhausted.
Maybe there's a clue to understanding him in his comments - basically he's saying it's not that he had an AWFUl time at the party, but he'd have had an even better time were you there ; and anyway, he probably didn't think of what he was saying there as a reporter's objective description, but as a way of paying you a compliment, and as something nice to say, even if inaccurate. Maybe not a great idea ; but then how often do you meet loathsome people, and say : "Ah ! How LOVELY to see you !" ?

Reply to cybershrink

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