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Posted by: felicity | 2010/09/01

letting go of hatred

Hi, long story cut short. Got divorced 1 and half years ago due to his numerous infidelities and him not wanting to participate in marriage counselling. He lives in another province with a new girlfriend and sees the kids once a month and some school holidays. I for the life of me can''t let go of the hatred and anger I feel towards him and feel like he still has some power over me. When he visits the kids here he instructs my youngest (age 11) to get cereal,milk,coffee and tea for there weekend together. I initially supplied it very relunctantly as I didn''t want to seem like the meany but it really irks me. Now he has lost his job again (been there several times befoe) and now is launching a court application to reduce/stop maintenance. I work really hard and am the sole responsible parent/adult in this family. I have no family support so basically am Mom/Dad 24/7 with the exception of once a month for 2 days. He arrives in two days time and I can already feel the resentment building and on top of it he hasn t paid maintenance again this month so I know I''m in for a hard slog ahead. Have spoken to my lawyer and she''s attempting to force him to pay up as he''s already in arrears. The request for the weekend food is going to come again from my youngest and I''m ready to explode. I wish he would stop manipulating my children to do his grovel work and relay messages to me. I have attempted on one occassion to address this with him but there is still so much animosity btw us that all conversations turn into arguments.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Consider seeing a personal counsellor / psychologist to work through and free yourself from the bonds of bitterness and anger that still tie you to him. The only power he has over you, is the power you give him through your anger.
It's not mean on your side, to recognize that it's unreasonably mean on his side, to expect you to provide food for the weekend the kids spend with him. If he can't aford to feed the kids, this means he can't afford to provide properly for them, and should not be allowed to have them stay with him. A supervised visit would be better, perhaps - and the real issue is what would be best for the kids, not for him.
If he has genuinely lost his job, then he may not have the money to pay in maintenance - but if he is in arrears, even from the time when he DID have a job, then it suggests he is just not prepared to support the kids whether or not he has a job or income.
Discuss with your lawyer whether he should be allowed to have the children spend days with him if he can't even afford to give them cereal or milk.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/01

Consider seeing a personal counsellor / psychologist to work through and free yourself from the bonds of bitterness and anger that still tie you to him. The only power he has over you, is the power you give him through your anger.
It's not mean on your side, to recognize that it's unreasonably mean on his side, to expect you to provide food for the weekend the kids spend with him. If he can't aford to feed the kids, this means he can't afford to provide properly for them, and should not be allowed to have them stay with him. A supervised visit would be better, perhaps - and the real issue is what would be best for the kids, not for him.
If he has genuinely lost his job, then he may not have the money to pay in maintenance - but if he is in arrears, even from the time when he DID have a job, then it suggests he is just not prepared to support the kids whether or not he has a job or income.
Discuss with your lawyer whether he should be allowed to have the children spend days with him if he can't even afford to give them cereal or milk.

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