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Question
Posted by: Wondering.... | 2012/03/05

left wondering

I Have a question, and i hope any of you regular readers here can shed some light on this for me (specifically from a womans point of view, i would love to hear what you woman have to say about this)

My wife left me and moved out, about 5 months ago, (for reasons i now understand, but not at the time, and i have been working on those issues with some professional help)

To make a long story short, she ignores all my call and attempts to reconcile, and no matter what i say or do, i get nothing out of her, no reply, no response, although the only thing i did get was divorce papers (i refused to sign them out of principal)

Now i get to the good part, or shall i say, the reason for my query if you will.......

It seems every time she goes out and gets a bit drunk (this is what i suspect), then i get sms’  from her asking me why was i not good enough for you, and i am sorry i am not what you wanted, and i just want to be happy, and things of that nature.....

So why is she doing this to me? She flatly ignores me when she is working and otherwise, but it seems when she lets her guard down ( it seems alcohol does that for her), then i get to the core of her issues which i know she keeps from me.

Does she still love me, but is protecting herself from getting hurt?? Does it also mean when you are drunk, the things you say and do is the ‘ real’  you??

And ironically enough, she is now dealing with the same issues and feelings i did at the time she left me (which she lists as reasons for leaving in the first place)

Can anyone tell me what this means, and more importantly, what can i do to get her back (if at all possible)

Thank you in advance.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Alcohol often drops someone's inhibitions and guard, not always usefully. The drunk statements reflect her feelings AT THAT TIME, rather than being any more "true" than sober comments.
Maria's response is pretty much what I would say. It's not a question of asking the friend to "get into this", but to convey a message. Friends often have the difficulty of not wanting to judge or take sides in a couple's disputes.
Clearly, from your account of it, her contacting you repeatedly conveying a message very different from her "official " and sober viewpoint is both confusing, and prevents you from moving on effectively, and it would be fair if you can get a message to her, to convey this - that if she truly wants it all to be over, you will accept that, but that her contradictory messages make it hard for you to be sure what she wants, and, therefore, how to respond

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/03/05

Why would you want to maintain any sort of relationship with anyone who goes out and gets drunk and sends smses.

Life is too short to know and be assocated with people like that.......

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Wondering | 2012/03/05

Thank you Doc, and thank you for everyone for your input...

i will now ignore any future attempts of this nature, and take it as her way of dealing with how things transpired.

no more wondering and just some wandering for me. :-)

Reply to Wondering
Posted by: wondering | 2012/03/05

hi maria - yes there is a friend, but they prefer to stay out of this.

i want to add to what i said, that i have acepted it is over, and i was starting to get on with my life, and then out of the blue she will contact me in the manner i have described, and then it is back to square one for me, because i know she want to end it, and she does a good job of doing so, but why contact me after a long time only to mquestion herself and her worthiness, when she had issues with me when i did the same thing.

that is why i am wondering, and i cant help but wonder why....

Also, i admit not signing the divorce papers was selfish in hindsight, but there i have made a promise to God and to her, to be by her side for better and for worse.... i am just old school in that regard.

Reply to wondering
Posted by: CL | 2012/03/05

Do you really want to cling to something that is making you unhappy? Whatever you did obviously effected her badly (having an affair or no strings attached flings would make a woman asking why she was never good enough for you...). Maybe you should stop texting her. You know how it is...the moment you think you can''t have something you want it. It isn''t good advice from an emotional point of view, but if you just break all contact she would maybe wonder why? Also, I think it was very selfish of you not signing your divorce papers. I went through a divorce that lasted for years and that had cost me thousands of rands because my ex wouldn''t sign the papers. I was trying to move on with my life, but yet, he wouldn''t allow me, and subsequently I lost someone very special because of that. My advice as a woman would be to break all contact and move on. It might just be the best thing for both of you. If she wanted you back she would reply and keep contact - not only when she''s drunk, but always. Get a hobby, stop wondering and start living. Good luck.

Reply to CL
Posted by: Phil | 2012/03/05

Sounds to me as if hse is trying to tell/show you that it''s over. Got that treatment before  got the message after a while. The sms''s whil drinking  well that''s exactly that. Drunk conversation and doesn''t really reflect a clear mind..

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Maria | 2012/03/05

Is there a good friend or family member who can speak to her on your behalf? You could in addition write her a letter, explaining the new insights you gained into the situation and asking her if she would be willing to try again and maybe join you in couples therapy.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/05

Alcohol often drops someone's inhibitions and guard, not always usefully. The drunk statements reflect her feelings AT THAT TIME, rather than being any more "true" than sober comments.
Maria's response is pretty much what I would say. It's not a question of asking the friend to "get into this", but to convey a message. Friends often have the difficulty of not wanting to judge or take sides in a couple's disputes.
Clearly, from your account of it, her contacting you repeatedly conveying a message very different from her "official " and sober viewpoint is both confusing, and prevents you from moving on effectively, and it would be fair if you can get a message to her, to convey this - that if she truly wants it all to be over, you will accept that, but that her contradictory messages make it hard for you to be sure what she wants, and, therefore, how to respond

Reply to cybershrink

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