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Question
Posted by: Potato | 2011/10/10

Left my soul mate

Hi there,

I made some bad decisions in my life. I left my soul mate who adored me because I was too young at the time, I guess. We were engaged AND best friends.

The thing is that I miss him terribly. There is not a day when I don''t think about him and I dream about him constantly. I didn''t appreciate him at the time.

He is married now with a kid (I am also married coz I had to carry on with my life somehow). We promised each other that we would stay friends forever, but that didn''t happen obviously.

I miss the days that we spent together and how connected we were.

It has been about 7 yeard ago, but I still miss him dearly.

How do forgive myself for this terrible mistake I made and have to live with every day of my life?

How do you stop missing someone... is it even possible?

Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

"Soul mate" is a dodgy and risky concept, implying all sorts of things that are rarely, if ever, actually true. Call them someone you like a lot, and thats probably more accurate.
We all form friends at different times in life, when we are at different stages of maturity and wisdom, and we part from many of them, for reasons that may be good or bad.
As for your former friend, remember the old concept of 'ships that pass in the night " - from the days when, on a ship way out at sea, you'd see a ship approach, pass by, and disappear, and you'd never see it again. And you didn't mourn that. Some people enter out lives in the same way - they're heading somewhere else for some other reason, for a short time we see and know them, and then they move on.
HE HAS MOVED ON, and is NOT the person you thought you knew. He is married and has a child, and a new and presumably happy life. And you are married, too, and have chosen to make other committments.
When you miss a bus, you can't just sit by the road-side weeping, or insisting that you want to get on THAT bus - catch the next one, and you can still reach your destination.
He certainly is not now the man you dream about, and he probably never ever was. And any attempt to resume any form of relationship with him would not only hurt both of you, but innocent people - your spouses and the child.
It was a mistake, perhaps ( you are assuming it was - maybe you two would have been utterly miserable together had the relationship continued ) but its long gone. And the mistake wasn't terrible, There is absolutely nothing to forgive. You didn't try to hurt anyone, you just made a decision that seemed best at the time. That's it. The "mistake" did not harm him, and wouldn't harm you if you would just let it go.
The time you waste mourning your fantasy of how you assume it was, is time lost from your life, from your future, and prevents you from fully investing in the relationship you actually have, while fantasizing about one you didn't and won't have.
Right now, you're like someone with an old flesh wound that you refuse to allow to heal, but instead keep picking at it, pulling off the scab and poking at it. That's an ugly but accurate metaphor.
For a long time you have not been missing the actual person, but a fantasy, a magnificant and perfect person you have invented and created in your mind ; a delusion that if only you two had remained together life would have been totally marvellous, and now it is doomed to be miserable for ever. That is just not true, fortunately.
DO see a psycholiogist using CBT methods, to help you work away from these fixed and damaging beliefs and bad habits, to free yourself to enjoy the real life you actually have

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Whisperer | 2011/10/13

RE: " Potatoe" I was in excactly the same predicament. i knew someone as well, we got so close though because of the relationship hapening so early in my life i was not ready to just settle down even though from the depths of my heart i truelly loved her. she was everything too me and with her moving away to varsity i took it upon myself to end it because i has so many options available with other girls. 7 years later and here i sit, regreting the fact that i gave up someone that i ever truely loved and who loved me and showed me her love for me on a 24 hour bases. i don''t think that it was meant to be by god''s wishes otherwise he would of made our relationship last. point im getting to is jeah you do miss thoses times but if you just wake up one morning, tel yourself to let go, to give your present life some meaning by forgetting the past and that the stops you from moving on. it took me a while but i have found someone special in my life now wich has helped me in forgetting, i prey you get over it and that things get better. kind regards - the wisperer

Reply to Whisperer
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/10/10

You need to concentrate and focus on your husband. Let the past be in the past. You will never get over him while you constantly remind yourself about him.

Accept that the past is in the past and it is gone. You both have other lives now, and torturing yourself like this is not doing you any good. Focus on your husband and love your husband with all your heart. Stop dwelling in the past, accept that mistakes were made but life goes on. I know it is easier said than done, but you ar torturing yourself and that is no good.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/10

"Soul mate" is a dodgy and risky concept, implying all sorts of things that are rarely, if ever, actually true. Call them someone you like a lot, and thats probably more accurate.
We all form friends at different times in life, when we are at different stages of maturity and wisdom, and we part from many of them, for reasons that may be good or bad.
As for your former friend, remember the old concept of 'ships that pass in the night " - from the days when, on a ship way out at sea, you'd see a ship approach, pass by, and disappear, and you'd never see it again. And you didn't mourn that. Some people enter out lives in the same way - they're heading somewhere else for some other reason, for a short time we see and know them, and then they move on.
HE HAS MOVED ON, and is NOT the person you thought you knew. He is married and has a child, and a new and presumably happy life. And you are married, too, and have chosen to make other committments.
When you miss a bus, you can't just sit by the road-side weeping, or insisting that you want to get on THAT bus - catch the next one, and you can still reach your destination.
He certainly is not now the man you dream about, and he probably never ever was. And any attempt to resume any form of relationship with him would not only hurt both of you, but innocent people - your spouses and the child.
It was a mistake, perhaps ( you are assuming it was - maybe you two would have been utterly miserable together had the relationship continued ) but its long gone. And the mistake wasn't terrible, There is absolutely nothing to forgive. You didn't try to hurt anyone, you just made a decision that seemed best at the time. That's it. The "mistake" did not harm him, and wouldn't harm you if you would just let it go.
The time you waste mourning your fantasy of how you assume it was, is time lost from your life, from your future, and prevents you from fully investing in the relationship you actually have, while fantasizing about one you didn't and won't have.
Right now, you're like someone with an old flesh wound that you refuse to allow to heal, but instead keep picking at it, pulling off the scab and poking at it. That's an ugly but accurate metaphor.
For a long time you have not been missing the actual person, but a fantasy, a magnificant and perfect person you have invented and created in your mind ; a delusion that if only you two had remained together life would have been totally marvellous, and now it is doomed to be miserable for ever. That is just not true, fortunately.
DO see a psycholiogist using CBT methods, to help you work away from these fixed and damaging beliefs and bad habits, to free yourself to enjoy the real life you actually have

Reply to cybershrink

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