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Question
Posted by: Nix | 2011/01/27

leaving young kids to go on a trip

Hi

I’ m a single mom of 3 kids aged 16, 11 and 6. I have raised all three my kids alone for the past 10 years living only for them. A year ago my ex started taking an interest in my son again so much so that he convinced my son to move in with him as he could offer him more financially. Now I only have the 2 girls with me. Two years ago I moved near my parents and they have started helping me financially and been a support wrt the kids, problem is they treat me more and more as if I’ m not capable of taking care of my kids the way they expect me to. This problem gets worse by the day. I love my mom but suddenly I’ m feeling inadequate as a mother. If I approach my mom about this then she just says fine shell stay away completely, but that’ s not what I want. I love her and I value her support and advice but I need her to trust me with my own kids. I’ ve raised them alone without any input from my ex or my family for 10years yet now I’ m being treated as I don’ t know what I’ m doing. How do I solve this problem without hurting my mom.
I also haven’ t dated since my divorce but 9 months ago I met a guy, we became friends and we’ d like to see where this takes us. My mom disapproves as she believes I should live only for my kids which I feel is unfair cause she remarried when I was 11. This guy is a wonderful friend and extremely stable. He is an chartered accountant in an international firm so he has asked me to join him on a trip to Hong Kong, as he’ d like us to go away alone for a few days to discuss our future without outside inteference. My boyfriend loves my kids and they are very fond of him. He has also started helping with the kids financially. My ex and my mom now say I’ m a bad parent if I consider this trip as I will be away for 5 days.my mom especially is saying very hurtful things and I get upset because I feel that when I was young she allowed my stepfather to abuse me sexually, emotionally and physically and I never say she was a bad mother.Yet now I’ m a bad mother. I’ ve never been away from my kids, nt even to go to work functions. Will going away make me a bad and irresponsible mother? Is it better for my kids if I raise them first before getting into a relationship? Please help. I love my kids and want the best for them. I discussed the trip with them and they were excited for me bt my mom say they''re too young to have an opinion on my trip… .Please advise.

thx

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm sure you're a good and caring mother. A calm chat with your own mom should help - maybe mediated by a family counsellor ( eg through FAMSA ). The trip is absolutely none of the business of your ex, and your mother should understand it's a bit hypocritical to expect you to live your life alone, when this is not what she did. But I'd put that more tactfully - gently remind her that she was in a similar situation to yours, and she decided, with all due care and love for her child(ren) to date and remarry quite early on, and yet even with her careful deciding on that, the stepfather abused you as a child.
Going away for a few days could be valuably refreshing for you, and help you to be even more able to help your own kids on your return.
As your kids support it, she says they're too young to have an opinion - I suspect that if they opposed your trip, she might suddenly consider them old enough for such an opinion ?
Take the trip, enjoy it, have fruitful discussions with the man, and decide on what's best for the future for you and your children - and nobody's better able to judge that than you are.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Outsider | 2011/01/27

Have been thinking about this, if it is causing major up-heavel with your mother, perhaps you should discuss this with your boyfriend, it does not sound like you are the type of person to just leave your kids behind.

Maybe you mom has genuine concerns for you and is worried about you leaving the country but does not know how to deal with it in the way it needs to be dealt with.

If it were me, I would not take the trip especially since it is out of the country. I would discuss it with my boyfriend and wait until he gets back from his business trip where you guys can possibly book into a resort for a week or even a weekend with the children, they seem big enough to enjoy a resort with loads of amenities.

That way, you don''t cause un-necessary complications with your family and ex - putting less stress on yourself.

If you boyfriend loves you and wants to start a life with you he will understand. If you have been with your kids as you say you have why all of a sudden dash off to another country when it could be done equally effective in SA where your kids are still close by.

I really do hope you come to a positive decision which is best for you and your children.

Good Luck!

Reply to Outsider
Posted by: Outsider | 2011/01/27

Hi Nix,

Who will be looking after your three children if you decide to join your boyfriend on this trip?

Outsider

Reply to Outsider
Posted by: Soul | 2011/01/27

Nix you are a good mom that is something you need to know. Your children are happy for you and their input in your trip is important and they are happy for you to go.

Your mom is being selfish. It''s hard not listening to what she says and by your post it hurts you deeply.

Go on your trip it is a once in a life time oportunity and you going to be discussing your future with this man whom your children like. This has nothing to do with your mom this is about you this man your children and your future, and to me that''s more important than your mom''s cruel words.

Have a blast you deserve and need it.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Just saying! | 2011/01/27

Hi Nix, Mommies need time out too and you should do this trip , you did your fair share, You are far from a bad mom, live a little and explore, and enjoy your new life, My daughter of 13 decided to live with her dad after being a single mom for so long, was hard for me but now we are at a good space me and her and I am focussing on my needs now, that does not make me a bad mom does it.
my motto happy mom = happe kids.

Your mom has no right to tell you what to do, dont take it to heart, grannies are always over protective of grand kids, the kids are big enough to be without you for 5 days. enjoy girl ,

Reply to Just saying!
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/27

I'm sure you're a good and caring mother. A calm chat with your own mom should help - maybe mediated by a family counsellor ( eg through FAMSA ). The trip is absolutely none of the business of your ex, and your mother should understand it's a bit hypocritical to expect you to live your life alone, when this is not what she did. But I'd put that more tactfully - gently remind her that she was in a similar situation to yours, and she decided, with all due care and love for her child(ren) to date and remarry quite early on, and yet even with her careful deciding on that, the stepfather abused you as a child.
Going away for a few days could be valuably refreshing for you, and help you to be even more able to help your own kids on your return.
As your kids support it, she says they're too young to have an opinion - I suspect that if they opposed your trip, she might suddenly consider them old enough for such an opinion ?
Take the trip, enjoy it, have fruitful discussions with the man, and decide on what's best for the future for you and your children - and nobody's better able to judge that than you are.

Reply to cybershrink

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