Posted by: lilly | 2009-01-15

lazy friend

hi cybershrink

this seems so silly, even as i write... so briefly put:
i am 39 and have a friend of 50. we get on but over the 2 year friendship i have noticed she is socially lazy, seldom thinks of imaginative things to do and always waits for others to make the plans. She cannot think ahead and hasn' t really achieved that much in her life. So, while she can be interesting to talk to.. i have found some new hobbies last year and along the way made a few new fun and exciting friends. We did a weekend on a farm in Ceres and somehow i just relate to them better and it feels equal when it comes to organising, having dinner parties etc.
I feel like I would like to have coffee with her now and then, but don' t feel like putting in much more into this friendship. But she is not liking the fact that i have found new friends. Her parents split and her dad dumped her on a kibbutz when she was 10 so I do understand her abandonment issues. I want to be kind but don' t feel obliged to invite her to everything and feel far free-er with friends that are outgoing and my age.
how do i approach this gently, as she is livid right now... have told her i value her but not really sure if she will ever be happy to me spend less time without her and explore my needs.
advice please on what to say to her?


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe explain to her that you have taken some counselling advice, and recognize that it is extremely important for one not to put all of one's relationship eggs in one basket, so you are deliberately trying to make new and other friends, in addition to her ( not instead of her ) and strongly recommend that she make the effort to do the same. Remind her gently that you have some needs and interests which she would not appreciate, just as she probably has some interests that you wouldn't enjoy, so you don't want your relationship with her --- or with anyone else, to become too exclusive.
Do return later and tell us how your conversation goes

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Our users say:
Posted by: sd | 2009-01-16

Luckily we can choose out friends, unlike in the case of family. Its good to have a wide range of friends - myself I dont believe in having close friends as there are always issues involved. I think that you should start weaning urself slowly from her.

Reply to sd

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