Posted by: WANT-2-KNOW | 2012-01-31

Ladies &  CS - HELP : are all divorcees with kids stupid and all men spongers/users/abusers?

Maria (divorced - 2 kids)
7 months ago met a Italian he was an angel he was a god he was the best ever “ just a little jealous”  he even put toothpaste on her toothbrush –  moved in with her no rent not nothing “ but he does help with groceries” … then he gets so jealous I can’ t even say the names he called her and he going to kill her and eat her liver he sells her laptop for cocaine he then slashes all 4 her tires. She files a police report for insurance and the next day she wants to go to his mom’ s place to help him. And it’ s all his family’ s fault (he is 39) he suffers from depression and they don’ t find him help, they they they are so terrible for not helping him… huh? excuse me? She does not delete him out of her life how can she? She needs to find him help ? HE WANTS TO KILL YOU AND PUT A BULLET IN YOUR SON’ S HEAD???? And he loves her so much when she falls asleep at night sewing (for extra money to survive) he will make her kids sarmies for school is he not wonderful… I say no he would be wonderful if he gave money towards rent and you’ d not have to do sewing! But SHE LOOOVES HIM
Mercia (divorced –  1 kid with boyfriend)
On off relationship for 5 years a 3year old child together. Also lives with her hardly pays towards anything and takes his time in doing so. Always breaking her down and telling her she is lazy for not doing dishes or whatever (yet he doesn’ t do it). Weekends going out to his father or friends but doesn’ t take her or their son when she mentions it “ oh you can come” . He can join a sports club but he never has money. A year ago he moved out after he cheated on her –  she took him back. He never showed much remorse and when he moved back nothing much changed he didn’ t even pay towards the house what he was paying in rent when he lived alone. He neglects her romantically she craves love and hugs but he saves that for his pets. But SHE LOOOOVES HIM
Adel (divorced 2 kids)
Has had 2 boyfriends since divorce both spongers. She ended up paying for holidays, weekends, smokes, alcohol (and they don’ t drink cheap stuff) even buying them clothes because she was embarrassed how they looked when they went out. She broke up with both but both still borrow money from her. She even bought a car on her name because his name is on ITC (IS THERE NOT A REASON FOR HIM BEING ON ITC?)
Esme (divorced 1 kid –  2 kids with boyfriend)
He lives with her they have 2 kids he will not marry her ever. He lives with her and contributes the minimum as she “ has her own business and has lots of money “ . At least he is a good man and SHE LOOOOVES HIM
Estie (married 2kids with x and husband has 2 kids)
He has never been able to keep a job, he likes to drink oros and vodka she is always looking for him for another job(not him she does) –  they must be married like 18 years and it’ s never changed. She has supported all their kids and though they have always struggled kids have gone through school, 21sts, weddings. I would have kicked his lazy-|-years ago. But SHE LOOOOOVES HIM
Angel (married 2 kids)
He also struggles to keep a job they have 2 kids yet they still live with his parents in a little 2 bedroom house on a plot where she pays the rent, food, expenses because him and his parents struggle to keep jobs. I said why have kids she said because they will never change and she wants kids and SHE LOOOOOVES HIM
Gloria (divorced 1 kid)
Living with a man for 9 years: bottle washer, cook, babysitter, taxi. Contribute more than is fair to the household as well as doing all for everyone. He is hardly home, absolute workaholic –  because he doesn’ t want to be at home? or because he loves work? Who knows! BUT SHE LOOOOOVE HIM
Is this what’ s going on in others lives as well or do I just have fad up friends and so am i? (I am one of the above)
Are all divorcees desperate because there are not enough men to go around? Are all men users, abusers, spongers, cheaters? Is it the age we are at? Are woman blind? Are we stoooopid? Are we “ mothers”  and want to mother everything? Or always fix the men?
One suggested we just be stepford wives because these men abuse us physically, financially, emotionally and WE ALLOW IT and we cannot break the chain. We say we’ ll give a 2nd chance but we give chances over and over and over?

WHY I ASK YOU –  THE EXPERT ! please help us understand what the hell is wrong with us? And let me just add these are all strong, independent, intelligent, powerful woman who have good jobs own their own stuff. Another favourite of these men is “ my x wife and kids took me for everything” !

Eish… .me and my friends are waiting anxiously for your response and everyone else that is in the same boat or wonders WHY

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OMG, I should take a week off work to read this long one !
All gneralizations are untrue, except for this one. There is NOTHING that "all men" orall women" are. We differ, and over-generalize when we may have had more than one unfortunate experience of he same broad type.
That said, you are describing a common but not universal pattern, what was called " he triumph of hope over experience", and the mystery of why people who are physically or mentally or fiancially abused too often, though competent and independent in other ways, keep forgiving heir abuser, and accept being treated horribly.
Do they have low self-esteem, perhaps related to how they were treated when younger, such that they feel they somehow don't deserve to be treated any better ? Do they feel so unloveable that even intermitent affection or attention from a beast feels like its as much as they deserve ? Do they feel so terified at the prospect of being alone, that they feel they must accept all bad treatment rather than be alone ?
And do they have such a desperate need to be in Loooove, that they will pay any price to maintain even these pathetic exploitative relationships ? Are they like folks who lose millions gambling or in investments, because they dare not admit they were wrong, and feel stubbornly that they have invested so much in the repeatedly losing relaonshp ( emotional gamble or investment ) that they hang in their convincing themselves that it will eventually turn out to be profitable ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Lee | 2012-02-01

Society has made women feel so dependent on having a man (ANY man) that they feel worthless if they dont have one.
Teach your daughters the difference between a man who flatters and a man who compliments, a man who lusts and a man who loves, a man who takes and a man who gives. Teach your sons to be the right kind of man. The best way to teach these lessons is to be this kind of example.
The commandments of a relationship:

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Onicca | 2012-01-31

I asked him to move in with me and he said no since March last year according to his religion he cannot stay in a woman''s house but he is at my house everyday and contributing towards grocery petrol in my car and all his clothes are in my house including his sound system. He has been in my house since March 2011 but he keep on saying he must go back to his place since his religion does not allow him to stay in a womans house. Yeah neh MAN.

Reply to Onicca
Posted by: Liza | 2012-01-31

The kind of people who come to this website are usually people with problems. This doesn''t mean that men in general are like the ones described here. People who''re happy in their relationships aren''t going to complain as much as people who aren''t happy - which gives the skewed idea that most men are users and abusers.

It''s also a sign of the times that women earn more than in the past and are a lot more successful in their chosen careers. The pressure to ''have it all'' is also immense. Women are supposed to balance their careers with a relationship and to also be supermom to their kids. If they can''t juggle it all, there''s always someone looking down their nose at them. I get it a lot - Most people cannot comprehend that I really prefer being single. My time is my own and I can do what I want. Yet that is apparently not desirable once you hit your thirties. I guess I''m just the neighborhood scary cat lady - lol.

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Bron | 2012-01-31

This is a scary trend. on top of it all, lots of men turn out to be gay these days. I think I will stay married to mine, warts and all!

Reply to Bron
Posted by: WANT-2-KNOW | 2012-01-31

Sad-sorry-excuse i soooo hear you girl, they always do the moving in gradually hey? and then they like to say : but i only sleep here. Yes what the hell is wrong with them!

But after that you married someone else? You are happy? Is there hope for us girls? hmmmm?

Reply to WANT-2-KNOW
Posted by: sad-sorry-excuse | 2012-01-31

woww...i must say i am not a divorcee, but have a child from a previous relationship. after i broke up with my " ex fiance"  i met a guy who just moved in to my house slowly. did not contribute to anything, not food, not even his own cosmetics, he used mine, not to rent or nothing, but he could buy his own beer on weekends, and we work close to each other so we would use my car, i wud drop him off and pick him up, but he will never contribute towards petrol. i got so tired of it, when i moved places i told him i cant live with him anymore, he should get his own place, he practically just came to my house to be a man, cant cook, cant wash his own clothes, cant wash dishes, WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN THESE DAYS.

Reply to sad-sorry-excuse

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