Posted by: Confused &  Frustrated | 2009-03-30

Knowing when to call it a day

I met this guy two years ago and we got on very well. He asked me to marry him and I accepted. The unfortunate thing to this whole saga is that once we had been living together for a while he started changing his ways where he would spend alot more time on work, either at the office or at home of an evening and less time with me. The change came about when I said that I was not quite ready to get married as he had been planning the wedding without my involvement in the arrangements, (where and when etc). He also feels that due to his stressful job he has to rely on alcohol to destress of an evening. The time he spent with me was very little and even although he was not spending the time with me he did not like the fact that I had my own interests and would disapprove if I got too involved with my interest. When I would brooch the subject of him spending so much time with his work, he would say that he did warn me before the time that he works alot and if I don' t like it then I know what to do. To cut a long story short, our relationship obviously deteriorated to the point that we are no longer together and he is still working 24/7 and consuming alcohol. When I try and speak to him about our issues he simply says there is nothing to talk about and he does not want to get hurt anymore. Am I being difficult in trying to resolve the issues we had as I still have feelings him and I am concerned that his own actions are jeopardising his health and he does not like it when I make him aware of what he is doing. He suffers from hypertension and he has heart problems in his family. Should I resort to counselling and should I include him in the sessions as he really is making me confused and frustrated? Please advise

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Our expert says:
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I suppose many prople try harder when they're trying to woo someone, to convince you to enter into a relationship with them, and when you're together, they stop trying so hard. Their grooming slips, their other priorities come into play, and so on. Planning a wedding without involving you seems odd ( especially as most men are reluctant to get into wedding planning at all, if they can avoid it ).
He should see a CBT counsellot, and learn the many clean ways to destress without depending on alcohol. Like many people, his attempts to avoid getting hurt again may be actively creating hurt for him. Counselling does sound like a good option. And if Huh is right, he will refuse , and then you should reconsider your options, and think about whether he is capable of a real relationship at this time, or is looking for a caregiver rather than a partner ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Huh ? | 2009-03-31

What' s the problem ?? Can you not see the signs girl ? Boozing, work ,work ,work, " if you don' t like it you know what to do"  arranging your wedding without consulting you .What do you want to let yourself into ? I mean that' s going to be pure hell. He a self centred control freak bent on self destruction. Do you think for one moment that he will " change" ?? Forget it. Do you want to " mother"  him all your life ? Take my advice, get rid of him he is just going to be a mill-stone around your neck. There are many many more excellent guys out there who will make you happy and will behave like real men towards you.

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