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Question
Posted by: Stepmommy | 2011/09/07

Kids lie to bio mom

My stepkids lie to their mother because they do not want to go to her every 2nd weekend. Its getting really bad they sit and think of things to tell her they are doing so that they don''t have to go. Then when she does phone them on the weekend I can see they can''t remember where they told here they''d be.

They cannot talk to her because once they tried and she shouted at the poor boy that he was being rude how can he chose friends over her etc.

They no longer want to go to her and it''s been building for a couple of years.

One would say he''s going to a birthday party and then she''ll say ok I''ll pick you up after what is the address then he''ll say oh I said it wrong it''s a sleepover.

The father refuses to get involved. The mother sms''s every 2nd weeks wednesday when it is her weekend that she''ll collect them at a certain time and where and then he''ll say ok. If they do not want to be there he leaves it with them to sms her. I''ve told him if you are scared to talk to her or tell her how do you expect these kids to talk to her? He just ignores this.

So they lie to her and sit together laughing at the reasons each other think up - how terrible is that?

Sometimes I feel like taking his phone and sms''ing her THE KIDS WILL LET YOU KNOW FROM NOW ON WHEN THEY WANT TO COME TO YOU. But it''s not my place. He will however never stand up to her (you know the type, that I know, there are so many if you just read on this site).

It''s not fair that the kids go through this stress every 2nd weekend. When they can get it right not to go to her for 1 month they are very happy and brag about it.

I feel so frustrated. I guess i must just keep out of it. Me and her have never been able to talk even though i only came in the picture 3 years after she left. (and left the kids) He and she cannot talk - she screams he listens and they get nowhere.

Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Rather than concentrate on the stories and lying, shouldn't one concentrate on why they don't want to go there, and even respect their wishes ?
The father should stop being so cowardly and intervene for the benefit of his kids.
And suggest that they remember to write down each weeks lies. People forget that its hard enough to remember the truth, let alone lies.
If there was a court decision about how the kids would spend their time, maybe the court would need to be approached to change those rules to fit what the kids want and what would best benefit them. If its justy informally arranged, its easier to change, and the dad should try being a father rather than a wuss. And at least encourage the kids to talk to their dad about why they don't want to be with their biomom ( there could be good or even sinister reasons ) and how they want him to be a real dad and help them about this.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Soul | 2011/09/08

I agree with everyone here. Just something to think about, they are lying to their mother and getting away with it before long they will start lying to their father and you. This is something the father needs to think about just for future reference.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Anon | 2011/09/07

I have to agree, lying is wrong, and these kids are getting the message that its ok to lie. How would dad like it if they start lying to him, or to you? Not so nice when the tables are turned.

I also agree that dad should grow a pair and start being a proper parent to them, teaching them right from wrong. He also needs to start standing up to mom, and not allowing her to scream like a fishwife. Understandable that the kids dont want to be there if that is what she does.

Good luck, you are in a difficult situation. But, do what''s right for the kids and teach them morals, values, and right from wrong.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Hannah | 2011/09/07

Shame, even though the mother seems to be rude and mean, it’ s not nice what the kids are doing. And I agree with everyone else- you husband doesn’ t want to get involved but by not doing that he is basically telling the kids that lying to people is fine- they are going to start lying to EVERYONE soon. They are humiliating her to some degree, by laughing about it. It’ s very disrespectful and if they don’ t want to see her, they should rather tell her. Because they are living with you, you act as the parental unit and if your husband doesn’ t want to teach them morals and good ethics, then you need to do it. As the step-mother, you have every right to discipline them- they won’ t like it, but then again I doubt they would appreciate being lied to. My step mom disciplined us and we lived.

Reply to Hannah
Posted by: Mommy | 2011/09/07

your husband is a woosie (like mine) and from personal experience dont get involved you have done a superb job thus far not to so dont start, cause if you do she will just make it out to be your doing or your fault and trust me your hubby wont stand up to her now or ever move on its her situation to sort out on her own...

Reply to Mommy
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/07

Rather than concentrate on the stories and lying, shouldn't one concentrate on why they don't want to go there, and even respect their wishes ?
The father should stop being so cowardly and intervene for the benefit of his kids.
And suggest that they remember to write down each weeks lies. People forget that its hard enough to remember the truth, let alone lies.
If there was a court decision about how the kids would spend their time, maybe the court would need to be approached to change those rules to fit what the kids want and what would best benefit them. If its justy informally arranged, its easier to change, and the dad should try being a father rather than a wuss. And at least encourage the kids to talk to their dad about why they don't want to be with their biomom ( there could be good or even sinister reasons ) and how they want him to be a real dad and help them about this.

Reply to cybershrink

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