advertisement
Question
Posted by: Angel | 2012/07/04

Kids behaviour

Goodd day,

Don''t know if you can help, but maybe you can give me some advise.

My daughter no 3,5 years old has become very attached and she has never been like that. She wants to be close to me and wants me to do everything for her. It is seldom that she will allow her dad to do anything for her.

She is very hard headed or strong willed. She will not go bath or get dressed or anything unless she wants to. We can put her in room, we can give her a smack on the bum. If she does not want to do something or don''t want to go any where she has a tantrum attack.

I am at wits end with her and don''t know what to do anymore.
Please advise if you can.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I like Maria's response, and agree. And she quotes one of my favourite interventions. Sometimes it also helps to shift the basis of the argument. Instead of arguing about whether or not she is going to have a bath, argue about WHEN she will have her bath, whether at 6 or 6.15, and let her win the argument. Whichever time she chooses, either way she has the bath.
Instead of arguing about whether or even when she will get dressed, argue about whether she will wear the red dress or the green dress today. Again, she gets to win, but you get her dressed, either way.
I also like the suggestions about tantrums. The traditional advice is to ignore them ( though this can be VERY hard to do ) ; and I'd say something like : "You know, you're shouting so loud, I can't hear what you want at all. When you calm down, and tell me quietly, lets see what we can do about it".
And while ignoring the tantrumming, it can indeed help for YOU to get involved in something she likes or finds interesting, from which she is excluding herself by the tantrum.
Its both a valuable distraction technique, and also offers a real ( though unimportant to you ) choice when part of the protest may be about the child trying to assert its own power of decision when feeling powerless.
Purple also raises the important point that before a child can reliably tell the time ( in terms of their inner clock, not merely reading a clock-face ) routine and sequence are useful for them to order their day.
With the clinginess I'd tend not to confront it directly, but to focus instead on working TOGETHER with the child, so she can gain the necessary skills to do it herself when she is ready to do so.
And copious praise for being so clever and grown-up in doing such chores, helps, too ( heck, with all of us, doesn't it ? )

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: Brez | 2012/07/21

ben, i''ve been reading the tirxie update since shortly after she was born, but have never once posted a comment! gosh, this seemed like a good time.trixie is one smart kid  i''ve always been impressed not only with your writing, but your interpretation of tirxie''s experience in the world. always a fascinating journey!anyway! when i was a little kid, my dad wrote on the tops of my feet in marker L an R , and then correspondingly on the bottom of my shoes. I couldn''t tie them for a long time, but I could get them on properly!   0maybe tirxie can pick up that trick?

Reply to Brez
Posted by: Maria | 2012/07/04

All children act out when they are over tired. Make sure she gets enough rest too. What helped our morning routine was taking pictures of her doing all her tasks - get dressed, have breakfast, brush teeth - and sticking them up on her wall. (In fact, even now at the age of 10 she needs a list! Sigh.)

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Angel | 2012/07/04

Thanks I am going to try the suggestion about choices. Maybe that will work.

The PJ thing and school also happened to us and now she prefers getting dressed in the car infront of the school.

We did try the tantrum thing and she just laughed at us and thought we were playing with her.

Last night I put in her room, and told her to stay there until she calmed down. I went back and ask her if she will put on her PJ now she still refused and started throwing tantrum again. So I put her back in the room and waited again. Hubby then went and fetched, we then forced her to put PJ on by holding her down and puting it on ourselfs. She then wanted Corn Flakes whick we made her. Usually she eats herself but wanted me to feed her. I did. I put a blanket over her and when I looked again she was sleeping.

This morning she was full of smiles and got dressed no problem and could not wait to go to school.

Reply to Angel
Posted by: Purple | 2012/07/04

Have you tried a star chart?

I''ve also used limited choices - do you want to have your story before or after your bath?
Do you want to use the red foam or the blue foam in the bath.
Both times she is getting the clear message the bath is coming but she has some choice on other things.

Toddlers like to know the order in which things happen. They can''t tell the time so a routine with something happening at exactly the same time is somewhat pointless, but if its supper, then bath then bed, it helps as they just follow the pattern.

smacking usually just leads to more crying and arguing and problems. the child might obey out of fear but you just have to fight the same fight again another time, it has no lasting impact.
If you teach your child how to cope with life and how to handle things they don''t want to do you are teaching a far moare important life skill. Discipline is about teaching not about blind obedience.

Toddlers challenge and push boundaries - if they didn''t they wouldn''t ever gain independence and grow as people. Its normal behaviour. However, its important that we manage it and gently teach them how to navigate life.

Throwing your own tantrum only teaches your child that its an acceptable thing to do - mom does it.

Children go through patches of clinginess for many reasons. Lots of reassurance and comfort helps them pass sooner.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Maria | 2012/07/04

The other option for tantrums is to completely and utterly ignore her. Start on some activity that she might be interested in, like blowing bubbles or building blocks.

I took my daughter to school once in her pajamas when she refused to get dressed. Her teacher (who was warned up front), made her feel rather ashamed about this and she never refused to get dressed for school again.

We have also resorted to physically picking her up and putting her in the car when we really had to GO NOW. Not much fun for anyone but sometimes it''s got to be done.

Without giving in to her, try to avoid things escalating to a fight or tantrum by distracting her.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2012/07/04

Try the Parenting forum as well.

Kids go through phases where they prefer one parent to the other, so that''s normal.

When an activity like bathing or dressing is imminent, warn her. Tell her that in five minutes you are going to bath, and maybe even give her a timer. Don''t spring surprises on her. What worked for us at that age were races - let''s see if you can get dressed before daddy. Also stick to a routine as much as possible.

Give her choices to help her feel more in control, but only between 2 things - do you want to wear your red shirt or your yellow shirt? Do you want to have bubbles in your bath or not? Do you want to eat from the white plate or the green plate?

How do you handle the tantrums? Have you tried throwing a tantrum of your own right next to her?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/04

I like Maria's response, and agree. And she quotes one of my favourite interventions. Sometimes it also helps to shift the basis of the argument. Instead of arguing about whether or not she is going to have a bath, argue about WHEN she will have her bath, whether at 6 or 6.15, and let her win the argument. Whichever time she chooses, either way she has the bath.
Instead of arguing about whether or even when she will get dressed, argue about whether she will wear the red dress or the green dress today. Again, she gets to win, but you get her dressed, either way.
I also like the suggestions about tantrums. The traditional advice is to ignore them ( though this can be VERY hard to do ) ; and I'd say something like : "You know, you're shouting so loud, I can't hear what you want at all. When you calm down, and tell me quietly, lets see what we can do about it".
And while ignoring the tantrumming, it can indeed help for YOU to get involved in something she likes or finds interesting, from which she is excluding herself by the tantrum.
Its both a valuable distraction technique, and also offers a real ( though unimportant to you ) choice when part of the protest may be about the child trying to assert its own power of decision when feeling powerless.
Purple also raises the important point that before a child can reliably tell the time ( in terms of their inner clock, not merely reading a clock-face ) routine and sequence are useful for them to order their day.
With the clinginess I'd tend not to confront it directly, but to focus instead on working TOGETHER with the child, so she can gain the necessary skills to do it herself when she is ready to do so.
And copious praise for being so clever and grown-up in doing such chores, helps, too ( heck, with all of us, doesn't it ? )

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement