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Question
Posted by: Olive | 2010/07/05

KEY ISSUE

I’  m 44, divorced with 2 kids, and husband 54 with 1 child. He was married for 7 years, &  divorced. After that he lived with a woman for 9 years and together they had an illegit child. They separated and we got married –  no kids. He has a HUGE temper problem. He dictates, shakes his finger at you when angry, and tells you “  what life is all about”  . He shouts, and interrupts all the time and does not give you time to explain yourself. He embarrasses me in public by raising his voice and throwing his hands in the air when he gets upset –  he causes a scene. His child lives with the mother but we get to see the child every 2nd weekend, sometimes during the week and all holidays which I honestly don’  t mind. What troubles me, apart from his temper is: we lived together for 4 years before we got married. In this time his ex (the one he had the child with) had access to our house as she wished whether we were at home or not. I felt it was invasion of my privacy and felt uncomfortable. He would argue with me that his ex had the right as the child also stayed with him. I eventually got the ex to only come through to the study or TV room and no further. She took liberties and I demanded that she could come no further than the front door. This did not help either and after more fighting with my husband, got her to only come as far as the driveway. I bumped into her one evening in my kitchen. She was there to help the child with homework, which I feel was my husband’  s responsibility. My husband never told me that she was there or that she was coming to the house!!! Then the child and mother demanded keys to the house. I put my foot down and refused as I could not trust any of them including my husband. This arguing for keys went on for some time and who knows, I will not be surprised, maybe he gave them keys behind my back. He tried to do it once but I found out. We have now moved into a new house. The key issue arised again. I refused because of the dishonesty in the past and not respecting our privacy and home –  not to mention my feelings. The child (15 years) now insists/demands keys. This has caused HUGE arguments and plenty of tears. I have to mention that during the time we lived together he threatened me on numerous occasions to divorce me. We were engaged for 2 years and more threats of divorce, we got married and I’  ve lost count of how many times I’  ve been threatened fir a divorce. He even threatened to divorce me on our honeymoon!!! I feel that there is no reason for her to have keys as this is her secondary house where she does not keep any of her clothes or belongings. When she is sick and she needs to come to our house, my husband or I can fetch her from school. If the mother needs to bring her to our house, we will be there to meet her. I can’  t trust my husband, his child and the ex as they have always been a team against me. Never has my husband stood up for me against his ex. He says he does not want to cause any ruptions!! But what about my feelings? He does not communicate and when I want to, it ends up in a screaming contest and I get told what “  life is all about”  . I got more threats of divorce and decided to call his friend who is an attorney and drew up our marriage contract. All of a sudden my husband did not want to divorce anymore and agreed on not giving out keys to any of our children except for my son who lives at home. He is in his final year of studying. He will most definitely NOT get a key to our house when he moves out. Maybe on the odd occasion when we go on holiday and he has to look after the house and pets. And this goes for the child as well –  when she is old enough to look after the house. So when I wanted to finally discuss the whole matter and “  put it to bed”  , seeing that he has decided not to divorce but to “  work”  through the marriage, he changes his mind!! The whole key-issue starts over again!!! He decided that a divorce will be the only solution. Fine with me…  . This morning I gave him my rings and told him to lock it away before it gets stolen. He refused to accept it and wanted me to put it on again. He promised to work on the marriage AGAIN as he loves me! I’  m giving up and don’  t want to “  play”  this game anymore. I managed to get him to ONE marriage counseling session once (before our marriage) but he humiliated me so much in front of the councilor. The councellor at the time said that we had no “  ingredients”  in our relationship to have a successful relationship. What now? Sorry for long mail.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One can't help wondering why you have staued so long with such an unpleasant and disagreeable man. Sounds like he's using the "ket-issue" strategically so as to stir up trouble and conflict when it suits him. When he has ben so insistant on his ex having a key to the house - would he have ben happy to give YOUR ex a key and free access ? If not, why not ?
I wonder why you wuld want to continue with this uncomfortale relationship ? Maybe a good divorce lawyer would be the wisest person to consult. Mariage counselling could only help if he were sincerely determined to co-operate and make it work, which sounds awfully unlikely.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Bee | 2010/07/07

and you married him WHY?

Reply to Bee
Posted by: Olive | 2010/07/05

Tx guys. I''m constantly in tears and I''m suffering from a stomach ulcer. My anti-depressants are not doing their job anymore. I''m emotionally SO drained. I have also seen another psychologist and asked him to help me change me so I can help my husband. It is very hard, and I''m not doing a great job here........

Reply to Olive
Posted by: Babes1 | 2010/07/05

Your husband is sick, what kind of a man threatens to divorce u everytime you guys try to sort out the issue..Next time he does that, tell him u alos want out, u are sick and tired of him..You dont deserve this, he is making u look desparate.

Reply to Babes1
Posted by: WOW | 2010/07/05

Not to sound insensitive but tell this guy to rather go back to his ex... and see how he reacts, and if he threatens you with divorce ever again say Ok lets do it! Try a little reverse psychology on him this just sounds like a habit, AND dont ever give keys to that woman she has NO right to be there and if the kid doesnt like it she is welcome to rather stay with her mom put your foot down and KLAAR

Reply to WOW
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/05

One can't help wondering why you have staued so long with such an unpleasant and disagreeable man. Sounds like he's using the "ket-issue" strategically so as to stir up trouble and conflict when it suits him. When he has ben so insistant on his ex having a key to the house - would he have ben happy to give YOUR ex a key and free access ? If not, why not ?
I wonder why you wuld want to continue with this uncomfortale relationship ? Maybe a good divorce lawyer would be the wisest person to consult. Mariage counselling could only help if he were sincerely determined to co-operate and make it work, which sounds awfully unlikely.

Reply to cybershrink

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