Posted by: GAP | 2009-02-03

Just wondering

Hi CS,

I am just wondering if saying " everything happends for a reason"  is realistic or not. I was married to an abusive man for over 2 years before I divorced him. I always say this happened for a reason otherwise I would not be able to live on my own now. Am I right in thinking this or am I just making an excuse for having made a mistake in marrying the abusive man in the first place?

My daughter is getting married this year. I am worried that his is not the right man for her, but there is nothing I can say to make her realize this. At least as far as I know he is not abusive. Do you think that just because I am divorced twice, makes me think she is making a mistake too?

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Our expert says:
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DO you now need to look for an excuse for having lived with the nasty guy before leaving him ? Congratulations on finally having the sense to leave him --- many women find it hard to achieve that. Don't nag your daughter about her choice of spouse, but may talk with her calmly about how you were also so sure that you were marrying the right guy, and ignored anyone who suggested caution, and then discovered that he was abusive. Clearly, your own unhappy experiences may make you unduly gloomy about the outlook here. If you have no specific reason to suspect him of anything bad, relax, let her know you feel concerned but that this might be due to your own past expereinces, and that you hope she will be happy, and will remain available to support and help her.

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Our users say:
Posted by: GAP | 2009-02-03

Thanks for your replies. I just cannot see how this young man can make my daughter happy for the rest of their lives. But I certainly will not interfere in their relationship. I can only advise her if she asks me to, should problems araise.

Reply to GAP
Posted by: deno | 2009-02-03

GAP it' s for her to find that out...yes you are worried but if you never saw him do anything bad to her then leave it....maybe you can speak to her about your concerns as you have had two bad experince' s...but don' t tell her what to do....just be watchful as I am sure you never had someone to watch out for you, your daughter is very lucke to have a caring mom like you did well to leave your abusive marriages...why continue when it is bad already...I am going through the same and also decided that I must move on....why must we put up with such.....but just be there for your daughter...nothing we parents can do once they have made up their minds but lend your shoulder to cry on if and when of luck.

Reply to deno

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