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Question
Posted by: Jordan | 2010/10/27

Just want the best for him

Hi CS and folks.
I would like your opinion on this. I have 2 kids, different dads and I have never been married. First child''s dad is in Austria, they have an ok relationship and anyway, he is 19. My problem is my 2nd child. The father wanted to marry, I did not. I don''t quite believe in marriage and anyway, if I had married him we would surely be divorced by now. He left me when I was pregnant and married another woman. You see, he is from Albania and he needed permanent residency (boy, I know how to pick them) He got his papers, left her, I gave birth and then he wanted custody. After spending thousands of rands on lawyers, he decided to leave it. He got visitation rights, Wednesdays and Sundays, which he hardly ever stuck by. He paid only the school fees (about R1000) but was always behind. Now get this: he got married again, now has 2 kids with new wife and they don''t know that my son exists. He has never told them about his first born so consequently my child has never met his half brother and half sister. MY SON IS NEARLY 7. The dad and I do not get on and often have quarrels. Now my question is this: I have not heard from him for about 3 months now, absolutely nothing. He hasn''t picked up my son from school on Wednesdays, hasn''t paid school fees, nothing. Do I phone him and ask him what the hell is going on? Quite frankly I am happy to have him out of my life. This this is where is gets tricky. My son doesn''t like his dad either (although of no fault of mine. I have never bad mouthed him or spoken ill of him in front of my son) so he is quite happy not to have him in his life AT THE MOMENT. But what about when he gets older. Do you think I should speak to him and ask him if he would like me to try to contact his father. Its so peaceful without him though, no bickering and moaning. And he constantly moans about how I bring him up. But what has he EVER done for that precious boy. Sweet bugger all. And how dare he hide him away from his new family. I wish I could track the new wife down and tell her everything. But I don''t know how to find them. I only have a cell no. for him. No address. He doesn''t even call to see how his child is doing. Sorry for venting, but I just need a fresh perspective on this, because I feel like killing him and I know that is not a good idea. But then......The world could do with less morons making babies all over the planet. Thanks and have a lovely day folks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hmm. You seem fond ( temporarily at least ) of men from Eastern parts of Europe ? But at least in the last instance, not nice men. Not nice at all. Appaently this guy also lives in SA ? Why not go to a Maintenance Court, where you could I think get free legal assistance, and have it decide to require him to pay proper maintenance. And may to reconsider visitation - I don't beleieve an absent parent should get more visitation time than they can actually bother to use well, for the child's benefit.
Once it has been decided by the court, you have the law behind youj and the court could pursue him to force him to pay the agreed amounts.
If he doesn't see the boy much, I wonder how you two manage to spend enough time together to have quarrels ?
The boy knows his father and, you say, is not particularly fond of him ( understandably ) - I see no reason to prod him towards seeking more contact with an uncaring dad. There is no magical benefit for a child from contact with an uncaring parent. If when he gets into his teens, he wants to contact the dork, he will be able to do so.
And of course another potential advantage of having the child's rights set by the court, is that he will have to provide the court with proper accurate contact details and residential address.
Meanwhile, keep up you own excellent work in raising your children well.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Jordan | 2010/10/27

Hi Thanatos. Not sure which Jordan you are referring to but yes I have posted here before. Why do you ask?

Reply to Jordan
Posted by: Thanatos | 2010/10/27

Jordan, are you the same Jordan who has posted here before or a completely unique original Jordan, who hasnt " shared"  b4?

Reply to Thanatos
Posted by: two.stone | 2010/10/27

The most important thing that shines in your letter is your attitude! I admire the way you are thinking of your son first and not the fact that the father is a big d#*k. I have 2 adopted kids and their biological father is an alcoholic. I adopted them when they were 4 &  5 and my basic approach was - guys, when you are 15-16 and you feel you want a relationship with him, you are welcome. I love you irrespective, so you can visit him as much as you like. I will always be here for you. I know your situation is different, but I think the principal is the same. When your son is old enough, he can decide if he wants his father in his life, with your blessing. By the way, my daughter sees him every now and then and went to his wedding etc. My son saw him once and decided " enough" . They decided for themselves as young adults and there are NO hidden agendas, resentment etc etc. I really hope this helps you Jordan. Good luck - you sound like a fantastic mother!

Reply to two.stone
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/27

Hmm. You seem fond ( temporarily at least ) of men from Eastern parts of Europe ? But at least in the last instance, not nice men. Not nice at all. Appaently this guy also lives in SA ? Why not go to a Maintenance Court, where you could I think get free legal assistance, and have it decide to require him to pay proper maintenance. And may to reconsider visitation - I don't beleieve an absent parent should get more visitation time than they can actually bother to use well, for the child's benefit.
Once it has been decided by the court, you have the law behind youj and the court could pursue him to force him to pay the agreed amounts.
If he doesn't see the boy much, I wonder how you two manage to spend enough time together to have quarrels ?
The boy knows his father and, you say, is not particularly fond of him ( understandably ) - I see no reason to prod him towards seeking more contact with an uncaring dad. There is no magical benefit for a child from contact with an uncaring parent. If when he gets into his teens, he wants to contact the dork, he will be able to do so.
And of course another potential advantage of having the child's rights set by the court, is that he will have to provide the court with proper accurate contact details and residential address.
Meanwhile, keep up you own excellent work in raising your children well.

Reply to cybershrink

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