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Question
Posted by: mikky | 2011/05/23

Just some advice....

My boyfriend is divorced - Has been separeted ie. not living with his ex-wife or kids for 3.5 years. Weve been together for 3 years and Ive been a part of the kids lives for the last 2 years. The divorce has also been final for 2 years.

Before anybody jumps on me about being involved with a technically married man.

1. She asked for the divorce and then dragged it out for 18months because she wanted more money than he had.
2. I only met the kids when the divorce was final.
3. I didnt know him until after they had split. So I had nothing to do with the breakdown of the marriage. This was the 2nd time she had instituted divorce proceedings.

Anyway, my question. He has two kids who are now 6 and 10. At what point do the kids stop crying and asking for mom and dad to get back together?

The little one wasnt even 3 yet when mom and dad split and she still crys every Sunday evening when its time to go home that she wants dad to go and live with mom again. The the 10 yr old asks when mom and dad are going to get back together again all the time. Its like my relationship with their dad doesnt even exist.

Is there something going on at home that is confusing them ie is mom not spelling out the boundary and giving them the idea that there is hope for reconciliation? Or do kids never come to terms with mom and dad being split up. We are a happy couple and intend to get married one day. Im so scared that his kids are going to hate me. How can we help them?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Kids are usually far more matter-of-fact than this by a divorce IF it was and is still being properly managed by BOTH parents. If mother is still stoking their concerns by suggesting that she and dad MIGHT get back together, and enlisting them to try to push him to do so, she could be still keeping the issue alive, and selfishly using the kids for her own purposes. If she initiated the divorce then delayed matters, etc., this sounds in character.
The kids should have no reason to hate you, unless she is blaming you as the sole reason dad isn't coming back to her. Maybe discuss this with your husband, and consider a calm discussion between both of you with the kids, so as to better understand what's going on

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/23

Kids are usually far more matter-of-fact than this by a divorce IF it was and is still being properly managed by BOTH parents. If mother is still stoking their concerns by suggesting that she and dad MIGHT get back together, and enlisting them to try to push him to do so, she could be still keeping the issue alive, and selfishly using the kids for her own purposes. If she initiated the divorce then delayed matters, etc., this sounds in character.
The kids should have no reason to hate you, unless she is blaming you as the sole reason dad isn't coming back to her. Maybe discuss this with your husband, and consider a calm discussion between both of you with the kids, so as to better understand what's going on

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