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Question
Posted by: sue | 2008-12-18

Just need someone to talk to

Hi doc
I just need someone to talk to ... I dont know what to do . Just some background , been married for 11years , 2 kids , we were going through a divorce 2y ago (hb had a drinking problem) but he stopped and he changed his ways and I stopped the divorce procedures, anyway , he had his own bus. but financialy he did not make it and he ended up with a lot of debt , we sold the house I told him to take all the money and kill his debt , but more and more nasty surprises where yet to come like he owed the tax man ect. did not pay med.aid for a couple of months , he lied to me doc telling me not to worry all is under control , just to receive another lawyer letter and everytime I am bailing him out with my money (not that I can), the last nonsense earlier this year was that he was planning to liq. the bus but this would have had serious implications for me (and kids) as well ... what did I do ? I went to bank , took out a personal loan to bail him out yet again. I told him to find a job , which he did , but don' t think that he will give me a R100 towards this loan , he is even on my medaid , all he pays is rent and water &  elec. the rest I pay for , and if I ask for money to maybe do my hair we fight , The drinking has started agian , although he does it at home now and does not go out like in the past (about 4days a week) , what realy makes me so cross is that the last couple of months I have noticed that if he does not get sex when he wants it he is an absolute horrible rude man , yells at me and the kids , uses foul language it is just awfull ! then if he has about 6 drinks and phones his family he starts to cool down , I just swithc off .... and it is not that he only gets physicall att. once a month - I have been trying but dont want to anymore he has become this weak pathetic person in my eyes and I dont know what to do ? I have a good job and I am almost done with my degree , this is realy the only thing that is shedding light in my live (except of course my kids ) even taking them out for supper once a month I have to iniciate it ? and them almost everytime I have to pay the bill , I dont want to top over this cause one tend to get depressed and so on , look if you speak to the people that knows this man they will all tell you he is a great guy but they dont know what happens behind the scenes.......

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Our expert says:
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COntinuing to bail him out when he seems to have as much business sense as a cup of coffee doesn't solve anything. You both need good financial advise, from a bank, about sorting out your debts, and he needs a job where he can earn reliable income and not lose it in business schemes where he seems to have no talent, espeially in these difficult times. But the resumed drinking and the abusive aggression, is not acceptable.
I tend to agree with Tango --- maybe marriage counselling could help, and he needs personal help with his inability to cope with his problems except in such maladaptive ways. If he refuses this reasonable proposal, then discuss with a personal coujnsellor your options, and act so as to best protect yourself and the kids. Don't keep enabling him to keep on failing

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-04-23

I had a bad break up last year in mid Dec,know I think i am healed
i feel so lonely.I can seem to meet nice guy around my age,oh i am 24yrs

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Tango | 2008-12-18

I think I am the wrong person to write in...but I can recognise some of myself in what you are going through - although I divorced 23 yrs ago - thankfully. One looses respect and even start to resent ones husband when they behave as yours is doing - and that is the reason you no longer want to be intimate. Its very normal to not want intimacy in this situation.

I would suggest marriage counselling and if that does not help, cut your losses and move on. You sound like you have what it takes to start again and make a good life for yourself and your children. He is the looser - in every way. Sorry - a bit harsh, but I have little sympathy for men that turn to the bottle and not FIND A SOLUTION.

Reply to Tango

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