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Question
Posted by: confused | 2011/10/17

just married on no sexsual desire

Hey all

Fisrt of all i would please ask not to judge me, i have a real problem, and not sure how to handle it.

I have been married for 3 weeks now, we had sex in the beginning of our relationship about 2 years ago which was great, we coudnt get enough, we the stoped, for 18months becasue we felt it was wrong, and we waited until we got married, no my proble is i dont want to have sex anymore, its not that its not enjoyable, my husbands make sure i orgasme before he enters me, because he come very very quick 10-20seconds, i though maybe it have something to do with my past (i was raped) but why then i enyoyed it in the beginning,
I have started with the 3month injection about 3 months before we got married, is there something i can buy (i live in n small town so no big shops) in a local clicks store? any advise would realy be appriciated i want to make my husband happy, i love him so much and he is wonderfull to me but very v ery furstrated at this stage.
THANKS

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Unfortunately there is nothing currently available to help with reduced libido but as others have suggested, you could look to change your form of contraception as it may be this that has caused the reduction in your desire. That said, if it the only real safe option you have (check it out with your GP or gynae first), then perhaps you will have to 'drive' your sexual response more (a little like how JR described it in her response to you). You could get a good lubricant from clicks - try astroglide, sylk or Durex's 'Play' rather than KY gel as improving your arousal can help with desire too.

You need to know that the 'hunger' that women feel in the beginning of the relationship often does diminish into the relationship, so a change like this is not uncommon! That said, if there are other factors coming to bear on this new marriage (e.g. adjustment to living together, anxiety around expected roles, changes to dynamics between you and your husband) then this could inhibit your desire too. it may only be at this point, and if you feel obliged to meet your husband's needs, that the rape may come to impact on you - if you feel violated in sex with him it could remind you in a very frightening way of your past trauma...so make sure that you are talking to him and being sexual when you are choosing to be (because you want to be sexual even if you aren't 'hungry for sex'), rather than doing it as a chore.

Finally, if your husband needs help to delay his ejaculation, all he needs to do is to search on the history of this site - this question has been answered many times and so suggestions are available for him too.

I hope that's useful.

Claire - SASHA
For further information please consult SASHA's website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: MAC | 2011/10/17

Nonni you hit the nail on the head. she must also remember that the husband has needs that must be fullfied.

Reply to MAC
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/10/17

I dont think the gimmics to increase sex drive work I think that is must a money making sham.

There are some women who would be so thankful that a man is finished in 20 secs. That is really not a big sacrifice to make at all. You could always remember that sex is a duty and it is your job to satisfy your husband, or you could make a sincere effort to get into it yourself.

If it is the contraceptive you are using, you should get another. If you fear that it is your past that may be causing this, the answser is therapy.

Also, sexy little numbers never hurt anybody in the quest to feel good about themselfes.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: JR | 2011/10/17

Could it be the injection? Must say, I find that since I have been on the Depo Provera injection for about 9 months now, my libido has also dropped. But what I do is think sex. I make myself in the mood, if that makes sense. I fantasise a lot about all sorts of things from the totally normal to the extremely taboo. The naughtier the nicer. Maybe give it a try, it works for me.

Reply to JR
Posted by: Sexologist | 2011/10/17

Unfortunately there is nothing currently available to help with reduced libido but as others have suggested, you could look to change your form of contraception as it may be this that has caused the reduction in your desire. That said, if it the only real safe option you have (check it out with your GP or gynae first), then perhaps you will have to 'drive' your sexual response more (a little like how JR described it in her response to you). You could get a good lubricant from clicks - try astroglide, sylk or Durex's 'Play' rather than KY gel as improving your arousal can help with desire too.

You need to know that the 'hunger' that women feel in the beginning of the relationship often does diminish into the relationship, so a change like this is not uncommon! That said, if there are other factors coming to bear on this new marriage (e.g. adjustment to living together, anxiety around expected roles, changes to dynamics between you and your husband) then this could inhibit your desire too. it may only be at this point, and if you feel obliged to meet your husband's needs, that the rape may come to impact on you - if you feel violated in sex with him it could remind you in a very frightening way of your past trauma...so make sure that you are talking to him and being sexual when you are choosing to be (because you want to be sexual even if you aren't 'hungry for sex'), rather than doing it as a chore.

Finally, if your husband needs help to delay his ejaculation, all he needs to do is to search on the history of this site - this question has been answered many times and so suggestions are available for him too.

I hope that's useful.

Claire - SASHA
For further information please consult SASHA's website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

Reply to Sexologist

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