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Question
Posted by: kea | 2009-10-28

Just comfortable.

Dear Doc
My daughter is 34 and never been married. She has been in a relationship with someone for 9 years now. during that time, she has had numerous affairs as she felt neglected and lonely. she and this guy have broken up and made up on many occasions. However, the last while now, they have both been putting their all into the relationship. He realises now that she was lonely and is working hard to make sure he does not neglect her. They are now working towards getting engaged and then married. What worries me is if I ask her does she love him, she will say, she supposes so, she does not know what she is currently supposed to be feeling. She says she is extremely comfortable with him and him with her. They hardly ever argue, she says it is nice to be with him, she enjoys his company and they are both very comfortable. BUT, she says there is no desire on her part to kiss him, or go further. She likes to just sit cuddled up and watch tv with him etc. She says she does not feel like a young girl about to see her boyfriend, and so wants to kiss him etc. Years ago she enjoyed doing those things but feels she does not need that anymore. Is this normal, does it mean she perhaps does not feel for him what she should? Please advise.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some relationships are actual, live, ongoing, interactions, some are more of a habit. But if they have now recognized at least some of their problems, and are prepared to work on them and try to resolve them - why are they trying to do this all on their own, rather than with the help of a relationship counsellor ( eg through FAMSA ) ?
I think I understand what is worrying you, but in a way, despite the lack of a formal marriage so far, this is an old couple, and its fair to expect them to enjoy the comfortableness of their relationship as any couple married for 9 tears might, rather than the breathless joy of a fresh relationship, which this is not !

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-10-28

Some relationships are actual, live, ongoing, interactions, some are more of a habit. But if they have now recognized at least some of their problems, and are prepared to work on them and try to resolve them - why are they trying to do this all on their own, rather than with the help of a relationship counsellor ( eg through FAMSA ) ?
I think I understand what is worrying you, but in a way, despite the lack of a formal marriage so far, this is an old couple, and its fair to expect them to enjoy the comfortableness of their relationship as any couple married for 9 tears might, rather than the breathless joy of a fresh relationship, which this is not !

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