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Question
Posted by: Louise | 2010-02-21

Jehovah Witness boyfriend

I''m married but dont love my husband like a wife should.I do care for him deeply.I met the love of my life a while ago and we are so compatible its hard to believe its not meant to be. BUT he is a Jehovah Witness while I am scientifically trained and agnostic. We love each other deeply, but he told me he could never marry me if I am not a Witness. We tried to break up but we both cried so much we decided to carry on seeing each other. I cant pretend to believe if I dont. I cant imagine my life without him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, with the fairly profound religious difference, you're hardly TOTALLY compatible. And he would REQUIRE you to change your religion before he would think of marriage. Interesting, religiously, that he doesn't seem to be concerned about having some sort of an affair with a married woman, or that you would be divotcing a good man just because you don't think you love him "enough".

You seem to be very enthusiastically extremist about this affair, and simply to have lost interest in the man you promised to love and honour.

Rather unscientific to have neglected to persuade your husband ( you don't mention what HE feels or wants, as though it really doesn't matter to you ) to join you in marriage counselling to see whether your marriage could be healed and revived.

You don't actially seem to understand the new guy much, either. Nobody's just frivolous about being a Jehovah's Witness, and as I understand it it would be unthinkable for him, to marry someone NOT also a Witness, out of love for his faith and for you, as he would believe that no good could come to you if you did not convert.

But again, you don't present yourself as genuinely interested in him, either. How much do you actually know about the Witnesses, and how they live ? And if not, why not ? Isn't that a significant part of this guy you now insist dramatically that you love so much ?

Somehow your message sounds terribly selfish, or at least highly self-absorbed.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Angel | 2010-02-23

Dear Louise
I also sympathise with your situation. (Thank you Sue for those kind words).So many people are quick to judge but have no idea how difficult things can be. I myself was like that, judging other women and saying bad things until I was in that situation and guess what...I made a pact to TRY and never judge anyone against anything again. Most of the people that say harsh words on this forum was either 1)the victum or 2)never in such a situation. My husband and I also had problems for a year. Heart saw endless pain that I went through until I also met someone else. Nothing happened physically but sms''s and calls were made and I finally started to LOVE ME. I was so willing to sleep with him but things kinda faded and up untill today I still wonder why. He is not that type of guy that walks away without sleeping with a woman, but I guess he was not patient enough :-). Strange thing is, during this time my husband started to change. Showed more love. Gives more, cares more. I cant believe it. I am glad I never slept with this guy, but its not that I was strong, he just walked away. Maybe he was put on my path maybe not. Maybe for reason maybe for a season. Please know that you must love yourself then things will change. When there are no enemies within, the enemies without cant hurt you. God Bless!!!

Reply to Angel
Posted by: Louise | 2010-02-22

Dear Anon
Thank goodness there is no hell :-)

Reply to Louise
Posted by: Louise | 2010-02-22

Dear Everybody
Sorry that my previous posting was so short and clinical. It was sent from the cellphone in the middle of the night and the phone limits the number of characters one can enter in any one posting.
Thank you for everybody''s feedback - there was value in each reply, something that I can work with and think about.
I was struggling with my husband for almost a year before meeting my lover, and spent tens of thousands on specialists to save my marraige.
As for the Jehovah Witnesses - I have met with a female Witness as one has to study under a female for a year, and she explained the religion to me as well as gave me a stack of literature to study. And I am just sorry - it is total crap. I would more easily believe in a real Santa Clause as in that religion. So I tried.
My lover only divulged to me that he was a Witness after we have slept together a number of times. So I am also confused about his commitment to his religion. But he made it very clear that we would never marry if I did not convert.
A funny thing happened since I got him in my life - I became calm and that terrible feeling of something that was missing in my life went away - and that has spilled over into my marraige. Suddenly my husband is a much better hubby to me and actually we have been getting on so well recently that maybe we are meant to stay together after all. I thought things could never improve, yet here now they did. And one of the reasons that my lover and I tried to break up is because of my dear husband - he saw him and feels his is such a decent guy, someone he could be friends with, and its so wrong of us to hurt him by my divorcing him. I think the most helpful answer was maybe from Sue. I look at my husband and I can''t imagine ruining his life with a divorce and all that flows from it. I learned such a lot from my Witness boyfriend, and he will always have a very special place in my heart. I am happy he came into my life when he did. If it wasn''t for him it could have been someone so different and dangerous when I was most vulnurable. So now that I am not so emotional as that night when I made the original posting I realise that it is for the better that he would not accept me. Things sometimes do happen for a reason I believe, even thought I am mostly agnostic.

Reply to Louise
Posted by: Anon | 2010-02-22

You''s both deserve to burn in H3LL

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Sue | 2010-02-22

Dear Louise,
I sympathise with your situation. I am an ex JW, and I can tel you for a fact that this man is not a serious witness.This is proven by the mere fact that he socialises with you, possibly on an intimate level as well.This is not such a bad thing, because it is a screwed up religion!! He needs to realise that our God is mercifull and kind, and possibly you are the answer to his prayers. If your marriage is over..is it really? then this could be the case. If your marriage has some hope, you owe it to your husband to work on your relationship.
You are the only one who can decide what is right, you will never find happiness if you hurt your husband.

Reply to Sue
Posted by: Rick | 2010-02-22

For what my opinion is worth, this disturbs me, you profess to be an agnostic, which is your right, however your morals are questionable, whever they are based on.

Do you know anything about the Witnesses, they are a tightly knitted group and true Witnesses probably wont allow others into their group without conversion.

Besides you being immoral and unfaithful to your husband, are you prepared to ''change'' your religious views for someone else? Do you even know what love is? I think you are infatuated with this person for whatever reason, I suspect you dont even know this guy for a long time? And you are using him as an excuse to seperate from your husband.

This is going to end badly for you.

Reply to Rick
Posted by: Maria | 2010-02-21

In addition to what Christian said... if you cannot stay in your marriage then get out of it BEFORE finding a boyfriend. You owe your husband at least that.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Christian | 2010-02-21

A Christian marriage is sacred, two people being joined in the sight of God. You do not believe in God so I guess as far as you are concerned the concept of being married in the eyes of God is meaningless and its OK to engage with another
outside your marriage. What I am amazed at is this boyfriend of your who seems to be very serious about his religion , has no problem consorting with a married woman ? So much so for his beliefs. I would look elsewhere for a partner, you don''t want to get mixed up with someone who has odd ideas like that.

Reply to Christian
Posted by: Realist | 2010-02-21

Whatever your personal approach is towards religion is your choice, but I must say that the people that follow what I refer to as " fringe"  beliefs, ie not main stream religions that have been around, tried and tested, are scary. They may well believe in God and follow the basic Christian tenets, but its their weird attitude towards 21st century living. In the South of America in the Bible Belt you also have these guys tucked away in the backwoods, kissing snakes and doing other weird things. Personally, I think you would be better off without him. Imagine living with someone like that who makes religious demands on you without respecting your views. You would be letting yourself in for one hell of time.et him marry his own. Why do you think normal woman have steered clear of him ?

Reply to Realist
Posted by: Louise | 2010-02-21

Please help me Doc. I am willing to divorce my husband and be the best wife ever for my partner. But I will in all honesty never be a Witness, and I told him. I love him so much this is killing me inside. He has never been married and is 40. He has been praying for a wife. Why cant he just accept me as I am?

Reply to Louise
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-02-21

Well, with the fairly profound religious difference, you're hardly TOTALLY compatible. And he would REQUIRE you to change your religion before he would think of marriage. Interesting, religiously, that he doesn't seem to be concerned about having some sort of an affair with a married woman, or that you would be divotcing a good man just because you don't think you love him "enough".

You seem to be very enthusiastically extremist about this affair, and simply to have lost interest in the man you promised to love and honour.

Rather unscientific to have neglected to persuade your husband ( you don't mention what HE feels or wants, as though it really doesn't matter to you ) to join you in marriage counselling to see whether your marriage could be healed and revived.

You don't actially seem to understand the new guy much, either. Nobody's just frivolous about being a Jehovah's Witness, and as I understand it it would be unthinkable for him, to marry someone NOT also a Witness, out of love for his faith and for you, as he would believe that no good could come to you if you did not convert.

But again, you don't present yourself as genuinely interested in him, either. How much do you actually know about the Witnesses, and how they live ? And if not, why not ? Isn't that a significant part of this guy you now insist dramatically that you love so much ?

Somehow your message sounds terribly selfish, or at least highly self-absorbed.

Reply to cybershrink

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