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Question
Posted by: Michelle | 2012/10/17

IVF treatment, no word from in-laws

Hi there,

I went through an unsuccessful IVF treatment last month. During the treatment I didn’ t even receive one sms from my mother-in-law to say good luck, nor did I hear a word from her when we found out that it was unsuccessful.

I confessed to my husband that my feelings are hurt, but he reckons that she/they communicated through him.

His excuse doesn’ t comfort me and I still feel hurt. Am I overly sensitive?

Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

How can we decide if anyone is being over-sensitive ? Maybe if they have chosen, among other plausible explanations for a situation, the one that hurts them most, without taking alternative explanations seriously ; and where concentrating on the hurt they are assuming, is painful to ehm and not at all helpful to them.
You don't mention what sort of relationship you otherwise have with them MIL, but presumably its not terrific, or you wouldn't have thought she was being neglectful or deliberately hurtful.
Maybe she just couldn't decide what to say ? Its a painful situation for you, but not one for which its easy for someone else to know what's best to say. I agree, though, that almost anything is better than saying nothing.
Maybe your husband could gently suggest to her that you experienced this as hurtful, and give her another chance to respond more appropriately ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: February | 2012/10/23

Maybe she thinks IVF is immoral, so she is in a bad position. If it is wrong and a sin to her, then she likely feels obligated NOT to participate in your IVF journey. She would likely not encourage something she felt to be immoral, but not want to bash you and disrupt peace within the family as well. That is the situation I am in right now with a fellow family member. I am against IVF, but there is no point in me trying to stop another''s decision....it would just cause outrage and fights. So, I am just not saying anything at all so as to not be participating or encouraging a sinful act.

Reply to February
Posted by: Lee | 2012/10/18

i think you are being over sensitive. I had several fertility treatments, which were unsuccessful. My own mother never said anything to me. I finally gave birth to multiples and lost one of them.

My mum told me to forget about it, My dad didn''t even come to the funeral. They do live in another city, but it is an easy drive to me or they can fly. They are well off. My father said it was a baby so no need to come. And my mum was in the city, visiting a relative. My mum visited me the night before my child past away. I asked her to come to the hospital with me the night before my child past away. She was watching her soapies so didn''t want to come. The next day when we were making funeral arrangements (she helped with nothing - even took a stroll around the neighbourhood), she told us that she may not attend the funeral because she would be late for her flight back home.

My hubby was really upset and told her that I had lost a child and was all alone. I don''t have relatives here. I was also in no position to tell my friends what had happened. It actually never even occurred to me to tell anyone. She stayed for the funeral and then told us she had to go to her relative to do something.

Try going through burying your child without any support from family.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Kate | 2012/10/18

Maybe she wasnt sure if she should have said anything...
It it a hard thing and sometimes people just dont have the words or are just afraid they might hurt or offend you if they do day anything. I totally understand from you MIL''s point of view and dont think you should take it personally.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/17

How can we decide if anyone is being over-sensitive ? Maybe if they have chosen, among other plausible explanations for a situation, the one that hurts them most, without taking alternative explanations seriously ; and where concentrating on the hurt they are assuming, is painful to ehm and not at all helpful to them.
You don't mention what sort of relationship you otherwise have with them MIL, but presumably its not terrific, or you wouldn't have thought she was being neglectful or deliberately hurtful.
Maybe she just couldn't decide what to say ? Its a painful situation for you, but not one for which its easy for someone else to know what's best to say. I agree, though, that almost anything is better than saying nothing.
Maybe your husband could gently suggest to her that you experienced this as hurtful, and give her another chance to respond more appropriately ?

Reply to cybershrink

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