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Question
Posted by: EL | 2008/09/28

It' s funny how life works!

Hi CS,

You know by now that my husband wants to divorce me after only three months. I' ve accepted it and trying to move on. All of a sudden I hear from my son' s dad, what a coinsidence! I' ve read a book to get my almost ex husband back, but it' s just too much work and a waste of time, it' s possible to get him back, but for what, just to let him dump me again in three year' s time? No way, he has too many issues, wanted to help him, but he doesn' t want my help. My ex boyfriend (son' s dad) wants me back and he found God and he says that his life has changed. He said that he is so sorry about what he did to me. I loved that guy very much, but I' m over him now, still miss him sometimes. I know that things can maybe work if I fall in love with him again, but I can' t allow it to love him again, but it will be good for little one to have his real dad in his life permanently. I told him that I never want to get hurt again and that we can only be friends, even if I did still love him it wouldn' t be right to go into another relationship with him so soon, and I' m still married, so it would be wrong and I still have strong feelings for my soon te be ex husband.

Me and little one are living with my parents at the moment due to financial reasons, but I hate it! If my parents go away for the weekend my son is the sweetest child ever, but whenever my mom and dad show their faces he is a different child. He is so mean to me whenever my parents are around. He tells me to go away and that my mother must bath him, give him food, etc. If my mother fight with me he also fight with me. When I want to discipline my child it' s always wrong in my parent' s eyes! I believe in discipline and when my son is naughty I tell him to go sit in the bathroom, then my dad goes and pick him up and then I' m the BAD mother. I tried talking to them, but then I' m just in big shit, they don' t understand, it' s MY child, not theirs, but I' m always wrong! I try to help out in the house, when the cleaning lady is not here I wash the dishes, they will not thank me for it, but they will find something wrong with it, they always look for something wrong, like " why didn' t you dry it"  or something like that. She asked me to wash the duvet cover for them when they were on holiday, I washed everything that was on their bed, when they came home my mother said " I told you to only wash the duvet cover"  in an ungrateful tone! If I didn' t wash everything she would have said " you might as well have washed everything"  or something like that! When I tell her this she thinks I' m crazy! When my brother comes he doesn' t even make his bed, but that' s okay! Geez, I feel like killing someone!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If someone would be worth getting back, it should not require too much work. A real relationship needs work and attention, but not so much one-sided labour. How does tyour ex feel about the alternative of friendship, with access to the child ?
Isn;t it remarkable how instinctively a child learns to play the adults off against each other, and seek any advantage he can find ? One can correct this, with the advice of a good psychologist, and the full sooperation of all the adults involved. Discipline MUST be according to a code of rules agreed and kept to by ALL the adults involved, consistently.
And sounds like your parents have slid into perfccting a game ( Eric Berne Games People Play ) of only being satisfied when they can find a reason to be dissatisfied. If you don't let that upset you possible, though hard to do, I agree ) it can spoil the game for them and make it easier for them to change.

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