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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010/12/16

isolation.

Hi. Perhaps someone could share a little insight.
I find myself increasingly more isolated - by choice.

I''ve always been someone who prefers more alone time than being surrounded by crowds of pretentious party-goers.

Though, I have over recent years made much effort to attend gatherings, parties, volunteer work... and found myself quite able to wear a ''game'' face and enjoy the occasions. On a good day with a little alcohol I can easily become swept up in celebrations and raucous behaviour.

All said, it still is not my natural place.

My concern now is that in an effort to avoid becoming too stuck in my hermit ways, I moved house and now share a place with a friend. However, I have become more of a hermit than I have ever been! I find mysef avoiding actually going home in the evening and spending the night on the couch at my mother''s (I then leave very early in the morning before SHE discovers I''ve laid stake to her couch).

When I am home with my housemate, I spend hours in my room so I don''t have to share much space or many words with her.

I even go back to my old house when I have nowhere to be alone (though it is empty except for a mattress, I still own it).

I turn down invitation after invitation. I make excuses for every occasion and I ''disappear'' without notice. I don''t drink anymore. I have a permanent underlying sense of distress BUT more than ever a sense of loneliness - which is somewhat ironic.

I''m almost completely regretting my move. I got rid of all my furniture, and many other household ''things'' as I felt strongly about just having a few necessities (just enough to fit into my small bedroom now).

I now cannot tell if it''s " just me" . And I need to just get used to being around another person (even though I have lived with a flatmate previously for two years and I felt the same way - though my distress never left and I NEVER got used to it)
OR I''m just not cut-out to share space with another person and I shouldn''t push it. ??

I hate that I''m so comfortable being alone (YET, get horrible pangs of loneliness).
It''s tough to explain to people how much space I really need. I feel very sheepish now if I were to move EVERYTHNG back to the old place - what a waste of energy.

Why would someone deliberately isolate themselves despite every desire to connect with other people?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some of us enhoy company, others don't. Some are maybe a bit excessively needy of crowds and parties and uneasy on their own ; some are happy on their own and uncomfortable in company. If you enjoy the group situations you now get yourself into, that's presumably fine.
There's mo particular advantage, though, in forcing yourself to be more sociable than you need to or feel comfortable with. That you feel usually comforable alone is fine, normal and healthy. That this sometimes distresses you may be worth exploring in counselling with a proper therapist.
Do you "desire to connect with other people" because you genuinely want to and enjoy doing so, or because you feel you ought to do so, and that not to do so is somehow abonormal or undwesirable ? Whwen you feel lonely - what is it you are desiring ? A group ? One close companion ? A friend to occasionally spend time with ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/12/18

Some of us enhoy company, others don't. Some are maybe a bit excessively needy of crowds and parties and uneasy on their own ; some are happy on their own and uncomfortable in company. If you enjoy the group situations you now get yourself into, that's presumably fine.
There's mo particular advantage, though, in forcing yourself to be more sociable than you need to or feel comfortable with. That you feel usually comforable alone is fine, normal and healthy. That this sometimes distresses you may be worth exploring in counselling with a proper therapist.
Do you "desire to connect with other people" because you genuinely want to and enjoy doing so, or because you feel you ought to do so, and that not to do so is somehow abonormal or undwesirable ? Whwen you feel lonely - what is it you are desiring ? A group ? One close companion ? A friend to occasionally spend time with ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Friend | 2010/12/17

Hi Anon, I think that you spent too much time socialising in a manner with which you were not comfortable. And now, it has made you tired, lonely and perhaps more than just a little depressed. The life you have chosen now is adding to your distress. Perhaps you should think about speaking to a psychologist and also about finding ways in which to socialisein a manner which is more comfortable to you. We can''t all be social butterflies and the belle of the ball. Some of us like the more quiet entertainment. Walks on beaches or mountains, visits to museums and art galleries, movies and theatre, reading, arts and crafts ... I think you get the picture. Think about joining clubs, groups and societies who does these activities. And once you are there, if you dont want to loud and talkative ... just be quiet and be however you want to be ... you will find that people are a lot more tolerant than we give them credit for. You may also find that people treat you as you treat yourself - so if you have a few drinks and party like there is no tomorrow, that is how people will know you and accept you. If you are a more quiet and sedate type, that is how people will know you and accept you ... but first, you must know you and accept you, and this is where the psychologist can help you. Best wishes, and good luck.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: lizard | 2010/12/17

just move back to your old house, your present situation sounds bloody irritating

Reply to lizard

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