Posted by: Wonder | 2012-09-10

Is this typical behaviour?

My husband &  i have been married for over 8yrs. I think I may have had thw wrong perception of what married life should be like &  maybe living in a fantasy world.

I always thought of marriage to be full of love, romance, etc even after you had kids. I keep wanting to spend quality time with hubby, to still go out on dates, to be romantic and spoil each other. My hubby on the other hand says I must grow up &  behave like a wife &  mother. When you get married you must forget about such things as it is for teenagers.

You have a job to do once you get married - take care of spouse, kids, household &  what is the point of quality time, because you see this person everyday anyway.

we have 3 kids. I have asked several times if we can get the nanny to babysit on a week night or saturday 7 we can spend time with each other. We have twins that are 20mths old. I keep being told that we can''t think ok having a good time when we have small kids.

This weekend his dad had a big party &  he got the nanny to take care of the kids, because we must be at the party. He went off early in the morning to help clean, set up stuff &  serve guests. I was really upset. He said I must tell him when we are ready to come &  he will fetch us. I did so at 1pm. By 2:30 he hadnt arrived. Dad stays 10 minutes away.

I do have my own car, but knew parking would be an issue &  since dad stays nearby, we could use one car. Anyway, I called him &  he said he has no time. Too busy.

Now how can someone be too busy for his wife &  kids, because he must serve his family and friends food &  drinks &  clean after them?

Am I wrong to want to be important and a priority to someone? Am I asking for too much? Am i wrong to want to spend quality time with hubby &  still go out on dates with him &  have some romance. Am I living in a dream world? Being totally unrealistic?

I told him that i have given up now &  can''t be treated like this anymore. We can just agree to live as friends. He has not responded &  doesn''t seem to care anyway. And from past experience, he will make no attempt to make anything right. He will wait for me to apologize because he doesn''t apologize to people.

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Our expert says:
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You weren't wrong about what married life SHOULD be, though sadly this is what it sometimes is, with a selfish husband. His comments to you sound purely ignorant --- when is HE going to grow up and start behaving like a husband and father ? Maybe he is judging by his own experience of his parent's mariage ?
Enjoying quality time together IS part of taking care of a spouse and family.
If you'll look back at previous messages in this forum, this is a sadly common theme --- a man more married to his family than to his own wife and children.
You are not being at all unreasonable. Unrealisic ? well, if he was as caring towards you as he is to his family, there'd probably be no problem. So he IS capable of it, but misdirected.
and anyone who thinks of themselves as someone who "doesn't apologise" is big-headed and too proud to face the fact that he, like everyone of us, makes mistakes, and needs to put them right.
Marriage counselling would be helpful if he could monly recognize that it is needed and that HE needs it even more than you do. Is there anyone in the family who he respects but who could be sympathetic to your plight, and who could talk to him ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lazaro | 2012-09-26

Beautiful photos, as aalyws! Rivers is such a cutie! Im jealous -wish we had you around all the time so that we could capture our everyday joys as amazingly as you do!

Reply to Lazaro
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012-09-11

Yes children are also very important to me and I admire you for your attitude towards this problem. The problem is that this is eating at you and I hope that his eyes will open before you crack or just give up on him!!!

He should listen to you because you are crying out for help to him and he either does not realise this or he does not get it that you really have a problem.

I truelly hope that live changes for you and that this problem gets solved!!!

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: Wonder | 2012-09-10

he said nothing at all to my message. We got home last night &  just went on as normal. I called him a short while ago because he needs to stop by the shops on his way home and he greeted me as usual and asked how I am. very casual &  in a normal voice. I was so upset that he feels nothing.

He always makes it seem as if i am at fault &  I expect too much. makes it seem as if I am demanding the impossible. If i was any other women I would behave like an adult &  not have expectations. Married people don''t go out on dates, spend quality time, have sex, etc. They have a job to perform in a marriage.

Chris. I have children &  for their sake will not leave. I end up feeling like a bad person, like I am mean &  stupid. I end up feeling like a bad wife &  mother. And God knows I try. i am not perfect, but I love my kids so much &  would give my life for them. I get so exhausted, (I recently found out its due to a thyroid problem) that sometimes, I don''t know how I will make it through the day. But I keep my head up &  smile. I try my very very best to be there for the kids &  see to them. And even when treats me like this, or we have a fight &  he refuses to talk to me for days, I still cook, make him breakfast, and lunch when he wants it.

Reply to Wonder
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012-09-10

I really feel sorry for you!! Your husband is driving a wedge in between you and he does not realise it.....yet!!! I know and you know that would be to late and he has only himself to blame!! You say you should just go ahead being friends. Did you discuss this with him and if so how does he feel about it?

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: Wonder | 2012-09-10

He won''t go for counselling because he doesn''t see any problem. He told me the problem is me. I feel like i am dying a slow death here.

Chris758, I''ve tried, I promise you I have. He sent me a message yesterday, before I could take the kids to his dad''s party, saying that if I have a problem with any human being then I must not come, becos it won''t be nice to have a confrontation in front of others. I just responded &  send I can''t do this anymore. I have nothing to fight about and am over him. We can just agree to be friends.

Reply to Wonder
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012-09-10

I am shocked to read this. I know you love your husband but he is very selfish!!! He as a father also have a job to do!!!!! He must give attention to his loving wife and help her as much as he can. After 8 years you should still be on honeymoon and you MUST make time for yourselves to go out on a date night and to have a romantic connection all the the time.

If this does not and will not happen your marraige will not make it. I think in the end you will look for that romance and feeling like a women somewhere else!!

Hope your husband wakes up and see what he is doing wrong!!!!

Reply to Chris758

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