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Question
Posted by: Mandy | 2009-06-28

Is this normal?

Hi, i have a boyfriend and we have been going out for quite a while, and i do trust him and i know that he would not do something to hurt me intentionally.

He is quite good looking and he is a waiter at a restaurant, so this means that there are a lot of people that look at him and admire him.
and i always thought i was fine with that happening, but recently i found it that i am insecure about all the other people , like i maybe i am not good enough for him, and then maybe he could like someone else.

i have a lot of self esteem issues, i told him how i feel and that, i don' t feel good enough, bu he said that it makes no sense for me to think that because he loves me, and i know that, i just don' t know why i feel that way...i feel ugly.

He also works with other male waiters, and they tend to look at others girls that come in the shop and " rate"  them, i know that all guys look at other girls, i wanted to know if it is ok to look at the other girls? He knows he has a girlfriend, and i know he wouldn' t hurt me, and i myself believe that its only natural to notice something attractive, even girls do that, but is this paranoid feeling normal? do other people feel this way?
How should i handle this?


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm sure he wants to keep his job, and thus concentrates on waitering, rather than paying attention to whether anyone is looking at him. And most people are there to eat, and not to lust after the waitrons. So maybe it's your lack of self-confidence ( for which CBT style counselling can be highly effective ) which leads you to worry unnecessarily here. If you WERE not good enough for him, and he did prefer anyone else, he'd be with that someone else --- but he has chosen to be with you.
Men look at girls, girls look at men, without intendign to do anything wrong, and without reflecting badly on their usual partner --- men and women look at cookbooks and menus, without eating everything on the menu, and without looking down on their usual food.
The way you feel ismn't rare, but it isn;t natural or inevitable, and can and should be helped by counselling, so that you can enjoy this relationship and enjoy your own self

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Nods | 2009-06-29

Mandy, you just made me cry.

I' m exactly the same.. I keep on thinking there' s something wrong with me...and why can' t I trust my husband...He is with me, isn' t he??? I hat this feeling, and we are going to take a break at this very moment, cause we keep on fighting and we are starting hurt each other too much. So we are going to start again so to speak... Bring the fun back and start dating again, and hopefully some how I will learn to trust again! I honestly do not know how it feels to trust! I can' t remember... I always think the worst, and it' s as if I make myself believe my own made up story above the truth...

Cyber doc, how can I stop thinking wrong, what can I do... I also feel i' m fat and ugly and there is so many other beautiful ppl out there....

Reply to Nods
Posted by: Mandy | 2009-06-28

Thank you for clearing that up for me, i needed an experts opinion, i will look into counseling for this because i do not want it to effect my relationship.

Reply to Mandy

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