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Question
Posted by: Leago | 2012/05/07

Is this marriage right?

I had been married for 1 year 5 months. Dated hubby for about 8 months and we got married. Previously he used to go out with me. Of late he is always at work, I complained about it and he took me with, he travels (drives to different places the whole day, so I was true he spend time at work). But what bothers me is that he doesn''t bother to make time for family. He is always gone to work and leave me with my 13 yr. old daughter at home. (He is a stepdad to her) He never goes anywhere with me, when he wants to unwind, he requests that he goes to a pub to join his friends (around 20h00 on Saturdays and he will come back around 12h00 or sometimes 02h00 in the morning). I used to be so angry but now I still don''t find peace with this lifestyle. He always goes in and out of the house, calls from his manager and he will put the call on speaker to prove to me. But really I do understand that his work is demanding, but when he is free he will rather go and chill with his friends. I do groceries alone, eat dinner alone, go to movies alone and go to bed alone daily - He arrives around 22h00. I tried to join a social club now  he will call and make sure I am back home while he is also at his social club, when I go home he will still not be back. This is hurting me badly and I feel there is no point in being in this kind of marriage, I can''t take it anymore. When he is home it’ s during the day (sleeping) and he will wake up to find his meals ready around 15h00, eat and go. Past three days he has been at work non-stop, at times not come home. I tried calling him in the middle of the night only to find that he is not sleeping but driving or with the boys from the security company he works for. We are HIV positive, and I usually cry a lot on my own, I feel rejected and embarrassed to share this with family and friends that he is always gone. So of late I am thinking of telling him we rather separate, since he has his own interests somewhere and not worried about my needs. Our sex life has also dropped. I am just worried abt my daughter, how will I break the news to her, in case I choose to stay alone. I think this will make his decide if he wants family or not. Previously we used to go to pubs or he will invite friends to visit or just go for dinner. Now he stopped, he also stopped visiting my parents since January, I go alone and he goes alone to his family. I raised this to him several times, and he tells me that he will resign and I must maintain the house or look after him. I am employed as well and contribute equally with him. But this is just too much for me to carry. Is this pains of test of marriage (how strong or weak I am)? Of late I get tempted of dating outside my marriage, but it will be pointless since I love him as my chosen husband.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You've seen something of how busy he is at work - it is actually practical for him to make time for you and the child ? Discuss this calmly with him - is there any way he could come home earlier, even some nights if not every night ?
Its possible that with his friends, in those gaps of time he does get, he feels able to fully relax, whereas perhaps, because he is worried about your being angry about his time at work ( he seems to have taken a lot of trouble to help you understand how busy it is ) he feels more tension when he spends such time with you.
And I expect with a child in the home, it'd be hard ( unless you have a good babysitter in the family ) for you to go out with him and his friends.
I don't quite understand about your each going out to a different social club - must it be that way ?
I understand that you find this disappointing, but has it only recently got this way ? Or did you marry him, knowing this was how he works and lives, but expecting it to change ?
Discuss all this calmly with him - if you used to go out together, and have friends come for dinner, surely that should also be possible ? Or have things become more full of crisis at his work ?
Dating outside of marriage is always a bad idea - the best thing is to try to fix things in the mariage, maybe with the help of a wise family member or a marriage counsellor ( for instance one you could find through FAMSA ).
You say you do love him, and apparently he does love you, too. So the issue is more to find a way to plan to live more hapilly together

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Our users say:
Posted by: Leago | 2012/05/07

I was not hoping to be judged in any way. We both met at the sessions for HIV counselling and married each other knowing our status. I have a child who is 13 yrs old. He accepted me with the child. Before marriage we used to invite both our friends but after wards he had that comfort that he married me so i should remain at home. He used to take me with the child to all places we wanted. I never shouts at him, I try to be civil in most cases but he is just abusing my kindness. I will try to get professional counselling if no help I will have to decide. I am not hard on him at all.

Reply to Leago
Posted by: You truly.. | 2012/05/07

.. have a lot of issues. And I''m just not sure if he is really wrong. Dated for 8 months before marriagr, you are a mother &  him a step-dad to a 13 year old, and both of you are positve. To me it seems your (both of you) river is really deep.

Reply to You truly..
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/07

You've seen something of how busy he is at work - it is actually practical for him to make time for you and the child ? Discuss this calmly with him - is there any way he could come home earlier, even some nights if not every night ?
Its possible that with his friends, in those gaps of time he does get, he feels able to fully relax, whereas perhaps, because he is worried about your being angry about his time at work ( he seems to have taken a lot of trouble to help you understand how busy it is ) he feels more tension when he spends such time with you.
And I expect with a child in the home, it'd be hard ( unless you have a good babysitter in the family ) for you to go out with him and his friends.
I don't quite understand about your each going out to a different social club - must it be that way ?
I understand that you find this disappointing, but has it only recently got this way ? Or did you marry him, knowing this was how he works and lives, but expecting it to change ?
Discuss all this calmly with him - if you used to go out together, and have friends come for dinner, surely that should also be possible ? Or have things become more full of crisis at his work ?
Dating outside of marriage is always a bad idea - the best thing is to try to fix things in the mariage, maybe with the help of a wise family member or a marriage counsellor ( for instance one you could find through FAMSA ).
You say you do love him, and apparently he does love you, too. So the issue is more to find a way to plan to live more hapilly together

Reply to cybershrink

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