Posted by: Disenchanted | 2009-01-21


Hi Doc

I need urgent help!!! I married the kindest most beautifull woman in the whole world (15yrs ago) and she loved me totally. In the beginning she was very jealous and possesive, but that has thankfully passed. I think because of that I slowly started withdrawing and losing my need for affection and love, I did dumb things like Drinking too much, not returning her love, not being affectionate etc etc, all the things that women normally accuse men of and I was guilty as charged, but never unfaithfull!

About eight months ago I realised my mistakes and started trying to make amends, but things did not improve? One evening my wife did not come home after work, I phoned all friends and family as she was not answering her phone. At about 1 in the morning I phoned Tracker to trace the car! My daughter 11 was devastated and thought her mom was dead, so was I. It took a while to convince tracker to send out a team without a case number, but at 2.15 in the morning she arrived home drunk and told me she had been to Firkins with a female co worker, and did it to spite me as I had a few drinks that afternoon. I confronted her after finding out that she was not there with that person but someone else, and I do not belive her version as she can not even tell me the peoples names and she does not even apologise sincerely about it, if she was there with another man tell me so I can have closure on the event!

Since then our relationship is strained, and our sex is infrequent and most of the time as if she is doing me a favour or doing a chore! I have about 90% of the symptoms of both bi-polar and depression, and I am suicidal, and very down most of the time. My wife also works very hard, but accuses me of sitting at home doing nothing(work from home) I have started making amends helping with housework etc, as she says that she is too tired to show me affection / love, or to have sex. I am trying very hard to be less moody, and to be more loving and affectionate and give our lives some direction, I have written her many letters crying out for her love/help as we fight whenever I ask for a little bit of love and support! I have printed many of your articles on depression etc and my reason for doing this is because we do not have the money for anti depressants/counselling etc, So the best alternative is family therapy to solve our issues, and give each other love and support. When I am moody all I need is a hug or a simple ' I love you'  and it will bring me back up a little at a time and make me forget my problems! She says she is too tired, and I must stop being a ' cry baby"  (I cry in my sleep, that is if I can sleep) She refuses to show affection and says we are not teenagers, and that I must help myself!
When I try help myself become positive, and give all the help, love and affection that I can, She doesn' t return it, That makes me even more down, and the whole problem gets worse!

Please Doc I know we need counselling/antidepressants etc but we can not afford it, so what I ask of you is to help us by giving advice on how to resolve this situation within our family ( family therapy) you can even email me! I am desperate as this is affecting us badly, I have not slept for two nights now and ' slept '  on the couch last night as it hurts me to be next to a cold person, I am crying as I write this, and fear that I will take my own life one of these days if She keeps bringing me down. I have a lot of love to give, but what is the point if it is not returned, I can not go on like this!!!!!!!!


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Our expert says:
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Check out, with FAMSA< the potential cost of marriage counselling, which may work out cheaper than the current situation ( cheaper than the alcohol consumed by both of you, perhaps ? ) and cheaper than divorce.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Angel Eyes | 2009-01-22

Hi Disenchanted,

Thanks for the lovely posting and as for yourself you just have to be strong and hang in there. That is most important right now. Well if the blind wants to lead the deaf then why not you might just find happiness...

Reply to Angel Eyes
Posted by: disenchanted | 2009-01-21


Reply to disenchanted
Posted by: disenchanted | 2009-01-21

Thanks to the only three people who answered my question " is ths marriage over) Doc, Bob, Angel eyes. The others don' t seem able to read, or are not able to understand that this was a vast abbreviation of the whole situation, and dished out criticism instead of reading the question.

Reply to disenchanted
Posted by: Disenchanted | 2009-01-21

Seems like there are a lot of people like my wife on here today hehe, at least I am trying to be positive and do not have the bitterness, or revenge factor that some have.
That is exactly why I am disenchanted

Reply to Disenchanted
Posted by: Sandra | 2009-01-21

I am not saying that every situation should be dealt with an eye for an eye, but oh my you are a cry baby, you inflict pain and suffering to your wife for 15 years and when she' s had enough and she gives you a taste of your own medicine you can' t even cope for less than a year. This is life you reap what you sow. Ask her how she managed to survive the 15 years of hell you put her through you will learn a thing or two.

Reply to Sandra
Posted by: KC | 2009-01-21

You know your marriage is not over till it' s over. Being in the situation your wife is now is very complicated. When most people get to the " I don' t care anymore"  stage... it' s very difficult to bring them back to the " we must make it work"  phase. The best thing you can do for you and your partner is to be patient and carry on trying like you are trying. 15 years of marriage and all those years of torture you put her through can take a long time to fix. But it' s not impossible. You just have to have the patience to keep on the good track record and not turn back to your old ways. Maybe she does not believe it that you have really changed, maybe she is waiting to see the old selfish man she was so used to.

You also need to find ways of dealing with your emotions, you can' t now start feeling like taking your life, just becoz you are getting what you were giving, if she was able to take it, so should you be able to handle it. Taking your life is never an answer to anything, it cowardly and irresponsible... And I am sure you are better than that. :-)

This marriage can work and will work if you try harder and she needs to know you are trying, she needs to be able to be a team player as well, but she needs to know she can count on you. If this situation carries on, then you need to decided wether you must stay or leave....being with someone who does not care anymore can be life threatening on it' s on.

Good Luck and all the best.

Reply to KC
Posted by: Angel Eyes | 2009-01-21

Hi There. I fully understand how you are feeling. Being depressed and sad is not a nice feeling and it really gets to one person and i have also been thinking of suicide because i have been on the verge of breaking lately.

As for your wife i don' t think she deserves you and she should be there to help you and support you. She should not be giving you back your own medicine, because when she took her vows she promised to be there for you through sickness and health in good times and bad times. So she should brush up on that oath and really start loving you.

If you need a friend and support i am here for you..

Try and be strong and remember alot of people care for you.

Reply to Angel Eyes
Posted by: BoB | 2009-01-21

Good for her!

Not so nice to get your own medz back is it?

Reply to BoB

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