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Question
Posted by: KN | 2012/03/05

Is this how relationships are supposed to be?

I''ve been seeing my bf for almost 2 years now. He''s never really had steady income and was already in huge financial debt. He was however really caring and loving etc. Then he started having issues with how I was raising my 16 year old son (I''m a single parent and have been since my son was 2 years old). He would pick fights over the smallest of things, get verbally abusive, disappear with no contact for days etc. I would then beg him to come back, he would apologise &  everything would be fine for another few weeks. This cycle continued for months until I couldn''t keep quiet and said things out of anger late last year. I cut all contact with him for 3 months and then he called begging for another chance. I still love him, so I agreed. Within the 1st 2 months, he''s now doing the same thing again. Fought over something small (ie his friends), got verbally abusive and now giving me the silent treatment. I feel dead inside because the things said this time was much nastier than before. I don''t even know if I want to see him again BUT he owes me alot of money which I would like to get back. So what exactly do I do???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Someone already in major debt and without a job, suggests someone who can be expected to have employment and money problems, however loving they might seem, and may not be at all wise about managing money, his own or anyone else's.
Then he was verbally abusive and combative, and arguing about bringing up your son ( apparently without any particular experience or expertise in that field himself ). When such a man disappeared, instead of begging him to come back you could have been appropriately relieved and moved ahead on your own. Far better to be alone than abused and exploited with someone else.
THere should have been no need for you to keep quiet rather than to assert your wishes and needs. Maybe almost everyone deserves ONE second chance - he's had that and more. No more second chances.
Consult a lawyer, and maybe use the small claims court ( depending on how much money he owes ) to have the law force him to return the money he owes you. But otherwise do NOT allow him back into your life, as there will be no joy that way.
You know now that his apologies are manipulative and meaningless. There will be no value to you in seeing him again.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Realist | 2012/03/06

Helllllooo ! Why on earth do you saddle yourself with someone as unstable as this guy ? As Dr Phil would ask, " Is it working for you?"  You know what the answer is, so do the right thing by yourself and dump him pdq !

Reply to Realist
Posted by: KN | 2012/03/06

@ Maybe
Thank you for the advice and you''re probably right, the chances of getting anything back is very remote. He''s left some of this stuff at my house and emailed me this morning asking to come and collect it. I guess once the anger and disappointment subsides I will respond and let him know where and when to collect his stuff. I do however also feel that if he''s so high and mighty he needs to pay back something before that happens. Am i wrong in feeling this way? Why should he get away with such behaviour and walk away like he''s done nothing wrong?

Reply to KN
Posted by: Maybe | 2012/03/06

Maybe you should just write it off and consider the long term benefit of getting out now rather than later when more damage has been done. I know from experience - in 2009 I wrote off R40 000 I had lent to a guy and I have no regrets at all. You can survive now without that money, can''t you? Besides, do you really think that you will EVER get it back if you stay with him - given his behaviour with money? Don''t fall into the trap of using the money as an EXCUSE to stick around.

Reply to Maybe
Posted by: KN | 2012/03/06

@ Gogo
R25000

Reply to KN
Posted by: Gogo | 2012/03/06

How much does he owes you.

Reply to Gogo
Posted by: KN | 2012/03/05

Dear Cybershrink, thank you for the advice. It''s not that he doesnt have a job, it''s that he barely has enough to cover his debt &  then he''d ask me or his parents for money. I was stupid enough to support him financially &  emotionally. And he''s 32 yrs old. His parents are aware of the things that have happened between us &  simply say nothing to him. Furthermore he''s manic depressive &  can''t afford the medication but somehow always has cigarrettes, alcohol &  the occasional weed!! I will definitely not be calling him back ever!

Reply to KN
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/05

Someone already in major debt and without a job, suggests someone who can be expected to have employment and money problems, however loving they might seem, and may not be at all wise about managing money, his own or anyone else's.
Then he was verbally abusive and combative, and arguing about bringing up your son ( apparently without any particular experience or expertise in that field himself ). When such a man disappeared, instead of begging him to come back you could have been appropriately relieved and moved ahead on your own. Far better to be alone than abused and exploited with someone else.
THere should have been no need for you to keep quiet rather than to assert your wishes and needs. Maybe almost everyone deserves ONE second chance - he's had that and more. No more second chances.
Consult a lawyer, and maybe use the small claims court ( depending on how much money he owes ) to have the law force him to return the money he owes you. But otherwise do NOT allow him back into your life, as there will be no joy that way.
You know now that his apologies are manipulative and meaningless. There will be no value to you in seeing him again.

Reply to cybershrink

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