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Question
Posted by: New mom | 2010/09/23

Is this going to work

I need someone to help me with some sort of advise as i cannot make any decisions anymore, everytime i have made a decision it seems to have gone wrong.
a bit of background - i met this guy 4 years ago (dealing with him for work) we never met " physically"  until last year February. in the mean time (which i did not know until later on in the friendship) he was going through a seperation, his wife left him and took their daughter with. We then decided to meet as we were at that time very good friends. From that moment it was so perfect and decided to persue a relationship. both of us had never been happier and we were seen as " soul mates" . Both our families agreed that we were great for each other. and then late last year i found out that i was pregnant after being told that i will never have children!! so it was a miracle and was seen as a gift from God - he blessed us even more. but then that is when all the problems started from the day i moved into his house as it made more financial sense. During the time that we were together he had got the divorce and " moved on" . but the ex did not take it to well. she was at the house every 2 mins and he had to go there to help her as she " has no one else" . any way the jealousy in me grew as i was trying to make a family and it was constantly being bothered. eventually i confronted him and asked if there was a chance that there might still be feelings for her. he constantly told me that there was nothing and that i should not worry etc. i have since given birth and hoped that things would change - it did for a short while. it just got worse so i moved to my mother to give him the space that he asked for to work out his confusion as he admitted that he still had feelings for her but did love me and was not certain who he wanted to be with. i then found out recently that while we were together he was sleeping with both of us (or as he puts it he made a mistake twice with her) and while we were under this " seperation"  they were having sleep overs and still sleeping together. i would visit him every weekend so that he was able to see his new daughter and bond with her and we would be together (i at the time did not know that he was sleeping with her). we then came to blows and this is when the truth came out. the ex decided to " back off"  and he decided that he wanted to be with me.
what i want to know is although the trust is broken, i have forgiven him but do we still have a chance of being happy? even if he says that he wants to be the man to make me happy. how do i handle the fact that they will still see each other because of their daughter. would it be wise to want to be with him? should i just call it a day, or do i take our daughter away completely (worried she gets hurt in the process as it is so unfair as she is innocent in all of this she did not ask to be brought into this world) i need to do what is best for her but i also need to be happy! i did not grow up with a father and know that i would have loved to have him around, that is why i''m hoping that our daughter will get to have the love i never did.
WHAT DO I DO??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I really think that as soon as you start thinking "soul mates" you need to see a counsellor - a highly mischievous and misleading concept that more often than not leads to grief. That's a delusion, not a relationship.
And how often don't I remind people that starting a relationship, with someone going through or soon after a major divorce or break-up is also usually a recipe for problems ? Your story perfectly confirms my usual warnings, and it really could have been predicted.
Now you discover he was cheating on you with his ex, and cheating on her with you - doesn't that tell you something extremely important about him ? Those are not "mistakes". A mistake is when you pour salt instead of sugar into your coffee.
It makes sense for him to see his daughter by his ex, but if the relationship between the two "adults" is actually over, they don't need to spend time together.
Your daughter sounds too young to be aware of what is happening, and highly unlikely to be harmed in any way by a separation. Under 3-4 years, kids really don't form memories the way we do, and can't understand the complex messes adults create for themselves.
Having " a father" around may or may not be useful - what patters is the consistency and quality of that man's live, not his simply being around.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/24

I really think that as soon as you start thinking "soul mates" you need to see a counsellor - a highly mischievous and misleading concept that more often than not leads to grief. That's a delusion, not a relationship.
And how often don't I remind people that starting a relationship, with someone going through or soon after a major divorce or break-up is also usually a recipe for problems ? Your story perfectly confirms my usual warnings, and it really could have been predicted.
Now you discover he was cheating on you with his ex, and cheating on her with you - doesn't that tell you something extremely important about him ? Those are not "mistakes". A mistake is when you pour salt instead of sugar into your coffee.
It makes sense for him to see his daughter by his ex, but if the relationship between the two "adults" is actually over, they don't need to spend time together.
Your daughter sounds too young to be aware of what is happening, and highly unlikely to be harmed in any way by a separation. Under 3-4 years, kids really don't form memories the way we do, and can't understand the complex messes adults create for themselves.
Having " a father" around may or may not be useful - what patters is the consistency and quality of that man's live, not his simply being around.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Lego | 2010/09/23

No, this is not going to work. If he can cheat on you with his ex, he can do it with anybody. I''m sorry, but I just can''t stand people cheating and then trying to justify it afterwards. Leave him and find a real man.

Reply to Lego

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