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Posted by: sad | 2009/02/18

Is this best?

Hi Cs

I have a bit of a long stroy so I hope you will bear with me.

Ok, so I am 30 and my girlfriend 29. We have been togehter for almost two years now and have been living together for a year. Our relationship is solid. We have the more difficult stuff, like the stuff that truly forms the foundations for a logn lasting and sustainable relationship sorted. I can say confidently that we communicate really well, we are open and honest with each other, we love each other deeply, we have overcome many challenges together, we have a great friendship and mutual respect for each other and we truly appreciate each other' s differences.

We have however, throughout our relationship had one probelm. It' s the thing that normally comes easily in a relationship, lust. I lust after her and am hugely passionate about her and she claims to feel the same about me but she never feels like making love. When she does it' s only because a million conditions have been met and I have initiated it. I have spoken at length to her about it and we have explored her past which we believe has had a major impact on her sexual confidence. Anyway, with patience and understanding and effort things started gettign better but sadly now have taken a complete aboput turn and gone for the worst. She has absolutely zero libido and it' s causing problems in our relationship. She recognizes this and admits to it being a problem with her. She ahs admitted that the problem is she is feeling completely flat about everything and has no enthusiasm or passion for most things in her life. She feels like she ahs lost her identity and this has had a deep psychological effect on her. anyway, I have suggested couples councelling, individual counceeling and even a visit to a sexual specialist but to no avail as she is coy and finds asking for help very difficult. Nonetheless eventually last week she began seeing a psychologist. This is good and I am very pleased. She ahs also communicated to me that part of her feeling that she has lost her identity is that we are living in my parent' s place at the moemnt as I won a place that is currently being rented out so we can' t live there, and she has cats and the place won' t allow cats. Also she can' t afford much rent at the moment and thus lviing at may parent' s has provided her with rent free living. She hasn' t got her cats and she has none of her stuff around her and so she feels like she has none of her personal pace or stuff and thus has lost her identity. I try to be as understanding as possible. I listen, I love, I care, I support, I do grocery shopping, I pay for 95% of all our expenses, I cook and clean etc. I am super affectionate and truly can say I have tried everything and with all my heart committed.

Anyway, now she feels that perhaps she needs to move out for a while in order to have her things and her cats etc around her. To have her space and work with the psychologhist and rediscover her personal identity in order to find her passion and lust for us and save our relationship. She says it hurts her to see how much I am trying and how much I am suppressing my needs and getting angrier by the day. She fears if we continue on the path we are on our relationship will fail. I agree and respect her for her honesty. I am however, so worried. I feel like we have so much going but yet somehow I have no idea how to get her pasison back. I don' t know what more to do. She says it is simply an idea and perhaps the only way to gt herself back. She is committed and doing it for the good fo our relationship. She does not want to lose me and is doing this with the aim of saving our relationship, not to casue us to drift apart. I believe her and feel like perhaps this si the solution but it hurts. It also really scares me. What do you think CS?

Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ooosh, yes, a long one.
There are many possible reasons for a loving person to have very low libido, including Depression and the impact on their self-image ( and their assumptions about sex ) of past experiences. Good that she is now seeing a psychologist, and I hope she ios being truly frank with him / her. She sounds immature if she can't manage normal intimacy for lack of her cats or her own home. You sound like the sort of partner most women dream of.
Personal identity must be found within oneself, and not based on things and possessions. One doesn't "find oneself" out there, like Tasmania, but within.
Couples counselling, as well as her individual work with her shrink, may stll be a good idea, not to glue this relationship back together, but to help both of you understand better what is happening between you, and to be better capable of building and maintaining relationships.
Sympathy makes some very good points

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sympathy | 2009/02/19

You are quite right. You have given her too much methinks. There are people out there who willingly take and take and at the time are appreciative and say thank you etc etc, but once the good feeling has passed, its out their memory banks as if it never happened. They also never reciprocate with off the cuff " doing for you"  surprises as basically they are very selfish people. I am not sure that this is some sort of mental issue that these folk have, but it seems as if they are constantly looking for the biggest piece of cake and once they have it, they are looking for the biggest ice cream. Possibly immature even at 29.? Again, I know you love her and its almost unthinkable to be apart, but I don' t think she is of the same frame of mind. She will make all sorts of promises about coming back etc, and she loves you yada yada yada but that ' cos she does not want to hurt you. She wants her own way. Let her go, if you don' t and make it clear , no coming back, you will be making a rod for your own back.

Reply to Sympathy
Posted by: sad | 2009/02/18

Unfortunately, her cats aren' t allowed in our current complex either. It' s very difficult to find complexes that allow pets in the city. so that is a major issue for her and then there is limited space where we are staying now for her to put her things, although she could put a few more things and she has already got a few pics up etc. I hear what you are saying and I am feeling that. I love her dearly and hate the thought of losing her but perhaps you are right, perhaps she is letting me down gently. I actually said that to her and even told her that if that is the case she must please have the decency to come out with it and tell me straight. I have done so much for her over the last two years and I truly give my all. I am not without fault but hell I know I am as good as they come. I feel like I can' t keep giving and giving.

Reply to sad
Posted by: Sympathy | 2009/02/18

Oh OK. Why then is she so unsettled .?If your folks are overseas, presumably living there, why does she not bring her cats and her " things"  to where you are living now? Surely if she is serious about your relationship and really wishes to make it work she would do exactly that AND go to a sexologist. Is she not prepared to wait until you can move into your own place ? I just get the idea she is looking for an excuse to make her move. I' m not sure that she is being entirely up front with you. The guy who I referred to earlier was also placated with " I really love you"  " It' s not you its me"  etc etc, but it was just a load of old bull and excuse to let him down gently. She wanted out and wanted it badly. You sound like a together chap and someone who would make an appreciative woman very happy. Why beat your head against the wall and ewaste you time on someone who does not appreciate what she has. Let her go and find happiness for yourself

Reply to Sympathy
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/02/18

I agree with Sympathy...

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: sad | 2009/02/18

Thanks for the advice, sympathy and support. I must add that my folks don' t live with us. We are living in their place but they live overseas. I also own my own place which once the lease with my tenant expires we could move in to but she won' t because they don' t allow pets and she has two cats. I just don' t know what to do.

Reply to sad
Posted by: Sympathy | 2009/02/18

Hi Sad. I am sympathetic towards your situation and would like to give you spirtual support from afar, just knowing there is at least someone out here supporting you. The symptoms you describe exactly happened to a friend of mine, who has subsequently divorced, this " no sex/passion " being the main deal breaker. His wife also wanted space to " find"  herself, said she felt nothing inside and was generally very unhappy with herself, and especially with my pal. He too was like you, doing everything to please to no avail. She also had issues with sexual molestation at an early age that suddenly emerged as a problem. The problem was that she kept that and other issues hidden without dealing with them and ended up in being a total mess. Personally I don' t agree with this concept of living apart to find oneself. That just does not work as that also creates side issues of questioning trust and fidelity that one never really is comfortable with at the end of the day. If you really do love someone, you don' t ever want to be away from them. If they want time out, you have to question how much they do love you. Maybe you living with your folks is also an inhibitor to good sex, as she may be anxious in case they hear what is going on. Hard as it may sound, I think you should let her go, like forever. Tell her that before she goes that once she has left she must just keep going. She is not a child and must either face down her demons or go and find herself elsewhere but not with you. Hope this helps.

Reply to Sympathy

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