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Question
Posted by: Wendy | 2011/12/05

Is this a friend?

I''ve been having serious problems in my life in general except for my work because I have an understanding boss. I''m married and things are not going very well and being Bipolar is just making things worse I guess. At some point I heard my own sister talking to my husband saying he should make sure that I take my medication because she heard that I''m crazy! My mother is just not interested in my life even if I call her crying she just says its ur problem sort it out and just drop the phone. So now whatever problem I have I just keep it to myself because ppl think I''m crazy. Few days ago I was so stressed in such a way that I wrote on my facebook page that I" m stressed, I guess I wanted to hear that everything will be fine that''s it. Still things got worse, then today I needed to talk to a friend and I sent her an sms just saying hi. She responded to say she doesn''t like my status on facebook, why do I tell strangers about my life! I said to her I was just venting I didn''t tell wats wrong. She went on and on and I asked her if she knows what''s wrong based on my status and she said no! I then apologised and told her that I just wanted to talk to a friend but she refered me to organisations that can help. Am I crazy to think that this is not a friend because I think even if she didn''t like my status she was supposed to ask me what''s wrong in private? Even when I try to tell me that I wanted to talk still she was not interested to at least hear me out except for telling me that I''m sick and if she was next to me she was going to clap me. Is this a friend or I''m being crazy like they all say?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Bipolar is a burden, surely, but so are many other chronic and troubling conditions, and one can continue to handle life satisfactorily despite it.
Some of us expect to deal with life's problems ourselves and without involving others or expecting to discuss this with others ; and others of us expect more participation and asistance and sympathy from others. Both types can be disappointed. The more self-sufficient among us may be frustrated when others insist on interfering even when we'd rather deal with it alone ; and the others get frustrated with others don't want to hear about our troubles or help.
This latter can create a vicious circle, as the more needy and demanding one becomes, the LESS others pay attention.
Sorry that your mother and sister seem so unsympathetic and unhelpful, but this is probably how they are towards everyone, and I'd suspect they have always been this way, rather than having only recently decided to ignore you alone.
Maybe they're right in suggesting you turn to properly trained and competent professionals and formal support groups, rather than amateurs for help.
The way you describe gives away too much of your power and gives it to reluctant others. Not the best way of handling such situations.
If you had stomach pains and possible appendicitis, you would ( I hope ! ) see a surgeon, rather than waiting for a friend to pop round with a pocket knife.
And don't fall for the delusion of the "social media" that one has multiple"friends" online i they wouldn't get out of bed in the middle of the night to come to you when you're in trouble, they're not a friend.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Honest | 2011/12/06

lf you are not honest enough to disclose your disability you cannot expect her to provide support. True friends do not have secrets.True friends do not communicate by sms but in real time conversations.

Reply to Honest
Posted by: Wendy | 2011/12/06

@To have a friend.....it was not after 9 and like I said I sent her a message not a Phone call!
@Heather the reason why I''m saying she doesn''t know that I''m bipolar is the things she said not that I want her to understand my condition. The thing or the problem I wanted to share with here ar ejust general stuff tha needs a friend thats all

Reply to Wendy
Posted by: Heather | 2011/12/05

If she doesn''t know you are bipolar, how on earth is she supposed to figure out if you have geniune issues or if you are just one of those that try get attention on Facebook? How do you expect her to be a real friend and be understanding towards your condition if she doesn''t even know???

You get melodramatic people out there. You get the attention seekers and you get the ones that put up crazy status. You might be coming across as one of those people, especially if this kind of thing happens often.

Don''t blast me for my comments- my stepmom is bipolar and I know what people think if they don''t know what''s actually wrong.

Reply to Heather
Posted by: Wendy | 2011/12/05

@To have a good frind, you don''t understand just like the cybershrink! I''m the one who took a first step to my so called real friend and sent her a message on BBM and thats when she said all these things about facebook. The status was jsut saying " I''m so pissed"  and she says I''m publishing my life on facebook. There is no information about anything there about my life unless I''m dumb. This person is the person that I called a friend and we talk on BBM now and again about anything including our problems. Unfortunately this time I couldn''t be with her face to face because it was late and I wanted to talk but I guess its a good thing it was late because I was gonna be disappointed to drive and get this from her

Reply to Wendy
Posted by: Maria | 2011/12/05

There are different levels of friendship and I think you are right - this is not a friend to rely on in a crisis.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Wendy | 2011/12/05

I understand that Maria but the problem here is that this one doesn''t even know about me being bipolar. Maybe I''m expecting too much from a friend but all I was expecting from her is just to ask me if I''m ok after she saw my status, I was expecting her to ask me waht is wrong so that I will be able to talk but she didn''t do that. Even when I told her that I wanted to talk but she didn''t give me that chance. Should I consider her as a friend taht I can rely on her when I''m in trouble?

Reply to Wendy
Posted by: Maria | 2011/12/05

Wendy it can be very difficult for friend and family to know how best to help someone with mental health issues. It is also difficult to know how to ask for help. I have had loved ones say to me I must just tell them what they can do to help and I''m at a loss to come up with an answer. Seeing a professional might not be a bad idea, if only to explore the problem you are describing here.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/05

Bipolar is a burden, surely, but so are many other chronic and troubling conditions, and one can continue to handle life satisfactorily despite it.
Some of us expect to deal with life's problems ourselves and without involving others or expecting to discuss this with others ; and others of us expect more participation and asistance and sympathy from others. Both types can be disappointed. The more self-sufficient among us may be frustrated when others insist on interfering even when we'd rather deal with it alone ; and the others get frustrated with others don't want to hear about our troubles or help.
This latter can create a vicious circle, as the more needy and demanding one becomes, the LESS others pay attention.
Sorry that your mother and sister seem so unsympathetic and unhelpful, but this is probably how they are towards everyone, and I'd suspect they have always been this way, rather than having only recently decided to ignore you alone.
Maybe they're right in suggesting you turn to properly trained and competent professionals and formal support groups, rather than amateurs for help.
The way you describe gives away too much of your power and gives it to reluctant others. Not the best way of handling such situations.
If you had stomach pains and possible appendicitis, you would ( I hope ! ) see a surgeon, rather than waiting for a friend to pop round with a pocket knife.
And don't fall for the delusion of the "social media" that one has multiple"friends" online i they wouldn't get out of bed in the middle of the night to come to you when you're in trouble, they're not a friend.

Reply to cybershrink

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