Posted by: Anon | 2009-08-24

Is there something wrong with me?

Hi CS,
Hope you can help me, last month I lost my mum due to meningitis so I' m still very emotional. My hubby has been so supportive he even took time off work to help me with the preparations and all as I was the only child my mum had. So it' s still very painful to me. On Saturday morning I was still asleep when he woke me and told me his friend was coming to pick him up as he is going to a meeting by my hubby' s sister' s house. I asked when were they coming back he said on Sunday, I got angry but I didn' t show him that I packed his clothes and all within an hour his friend was there they left. Hubby told me that his friend only sent him sms that night that he is going. To me it was like he has planned all of this how could he want to go and sleep over at his sister' s place when he knows very well that I' m still fragile and I need him. He knows that I cry a lot and he says that I' m hurting him it' s like he ' s not there for me I mustn' t cry. The other day he said I must tell me what was on my mind and I told him that I feel like I' m alone in the world and now whenever I cry he feels worthless. I wonder what he said to his sister coz he showed her the sms I sent to him asking how he would feel if I did that to him and he tells me I must go for councelling. I' m starting to question his love for me, why can' t he just be there for me and just give me shoulder to cry on when I need to. I get very scared when I' m reminded that I have to do things that my mu used to do like collecting rent and all other stuff. he really doesn' t know how I feel he makes all this about him when it' s not. I feel very bad now what do I do? Is there something wrong in grieving for my mum? My house is filled with everything my mum used to buy for me how can I just forget someone who was like that to me, all she ever thought about was me and my children. Please tell me how to get through this, do I have to go and hide in the bathroom when I feel like crying? I really don' t know what to do anymore coz I don' t make myself cry it just happens. I' m praying all the time asking God to help me through this I just feel that my mum was the only person who really loved me and I know I could cry the whole day she would be there for me all the time.

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Our expert says:
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Losing a parent, at ANY age, is often a terrible event and hard to cope with. Its good that your husband has been supportive and helpful, and one month is still early days in terms of you working your way through your grief. But my experience and that of others is clear --- even the nicest people can be highly sympathetic in the early days but then expect us to get back to normal long before we are ready to do so, and can grow impatient. Until they experience similar grief, they just don't understand how hard grief work and how long it takes.
His comments suggest another common component --- it is painful for someone who loves you to just sit and watch you suffer the pangs of grief when nothing they do visibly seems to actually help. They understandably dislike feeling helpless, and often don't understand that just being there can be valuable, without their needing to do anything more elaborate.
Remember that oen major aim in the necessary grief work you are engaging in, is NOT to forget about the person you loved, but to be able to remember them with joy andn not bitter sadness. To be happy to see the things she got you and remember how that happened, to enjoy them as tokens of her love, not as awful reminders that she's not physically still with you. Atually physically being by your side isn't the only way someone can love you.
Nobody may love you exactly as your mother did ( and her love is still with you ) -- but other people like your huisband can love you very much, too, but in their own way. Do consider seeing a grief counsellor, such as one attached to your nearest hospice, to help you work though this better.

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