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Question
Posted by: Single mom | 2010/06/08

Is there something wrong

I am separeted from hubby of 7 years, getting divorce soon and have a boyfriend. Problem is my 7 year old son. We are staying with my mom, sis and her 2 kids where the 1 girl is 5 years old. My mom reared my sis, daughter since she was a baby, so grandma treats her as her own. Ok since we move in at 1st it was ok, but know it''s like they always complaining about my son that he is doing this and that he is nauthy but whatever my sis daughter it''s okay. Last night he wrote on my mom''s walls she ask him why he did that he could''nt answer her, and I just beat him cause I get so frustated that they are always complaining about him. Now my mom is saying there is something wrong with him, cause of the divorce. My husband behaves, well when we visits my boyfriend and excepts him, how can she say that. Mum divorce my dad when I was very young, she took all the anger she had for my dad, for years out on me, so where''s my " knock"  insanity. Is this an indication that they mistreat him during the day, is just stuff that a normal 7 year old do, does my son need help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

WHY is usually such a tempting question, and so very rarely a useful one. Most people genuinely don't know Why they did something that bothered others, and can't actually explain it.
This boy may well be distressed about the divorce, in ways he can't and won't explain to you ( though it may still be useful to have calm chats to him about such issues ) - these are best held at peaceful times, and not in the midst of a fight or argument. And he's probably reacting, too, understandably, to the prejudice he apparently experiences from your mom and the rest of the family.
You are wise to wonder how they treat him during the day, as thuis could also be very relevant.
And of course beating him didn't and wouldn't help at all.
Purple's response is excllent, including topics worth discussing with him. And of course, the best punishment would have ben to make him clean up the mess he made, and perhaps some other chores as well, with the understanding that this is what he can expect if something like this were to happen again

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: sick | 2010/06/08

Your mom got divorced and beat you
you get divorced and beat your son

Nice. You have the same sickness then!
Shame.

Best you get an education real fast on how to be a real mom before your son ends up beating his own kids too.
Monkey see, Monkey do.

Reply to sick
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/06/08

Purple I couldn''t agree with you more!!
The boy is definately too old to be writing on walls and the beatings hell no! You never beat your child up while you are angry, ever! You say your mom took out her anger on you, aren''t you doing the same to your son?
Maybe moving in with your mom was not a good idea in the first place?

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Purple | 2010/06/08

If you had made your son clean the wall rather than behaving violently towards him, don''t you think he would have learnt more. 7 is a bit old to still be drawing on walls though.

Have you explained to your son what is going on? Have you asked him to behave nicely and told him what that means?
Have you asked your mother and sister what it is about his behaviour that is upsetting them?
Have you asked how they respond to behaviour problems from him during the day?

Considering the upheaval in your sons life, I think some acting up is normal, but you need to deal with it better than you are doing now.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/08

WHY is usually such a tempting question, and so very rarely a useful one. Most people genuinely don't know Why they did something that bothered others, and can't actually explain it.
This boy may well be distressed about the divorce, in ways he can't and won't explain to you ( though it may still be useful to have calm chats to him about such issues ) - these are best held at peaceful times, and not in the midst of a fight or argument. And he's probably reacting, too, understandably, to the prejudice he apparently experiences from your mom and the rest of the family.
You are wise to wonder how they treat him during the day, as thuis could also be very relevant.
And of course beating him didn't and wouldn't help at all.
Purple's response is excllent, including topics worth discussing with him. And of course, the best punishment would have ben to make him clean up the mess he made, and perhaps some other chores as well, with the understanding that this is what he can expect if something like this were to happen again

Reply to cybershrink

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