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Question
Posted by: Patrick | 2011/04/06

Is she really a life partner?

I have been married for 6 years. There have been various ups and downs but I have been generally happy. However, there are certain behavioural issues on my wife''s side that seem to bother me but that were not there before we got married. To mention the two that really make me ask the question above:
First, I caught my wife in a relationship a year and half after we got married. We resolved that after almost a divorce, hence we are still together. Now a few days ago, she was apprehended in a shopping centre for shop-lifting for something she could have easily afforderd and spent a night in jail. I had to fork out a lot of money to get her out scot-free and without a criminal record.

I am a professional and in the executive of my company but I am also a very private person. Events like these are very embarrasing to talk about to people close to me and could also jeopardise my career. How does one deal with a partner who is so erratic? Is she a real life partner? Is she someone to be trusted so that when I look the other way she doesn''t do things that would leave me red-faced? I would be interested in hearing from other women in particular, what would drive a woman to such kind of behavioural traits? Maybe that could help me help my wife and thereby save our marriage.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Obviously her misconduct would be very embarrassing for you, and she would know that it would be. The implications for the marriage and other aspecs of life, would best be based on a proper assessment of her by a shrink.
One would wonder if these have been the only episodes of irresponsible behaviour, or just the only episodes which you know of. Is she irresponsible in other ways in her life ?
As pixie points out, SOMETIMES such behaviour, as in a naughty child, is a way of seeking attention.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Patrick | 2011/04/07

Thanks for your responses. First, I have addressed all previous instances incIuding the ones mentioned earlier. In each of these instances I would get an undertaking that it will not happen again. But then its only that instance. Few months down the line she would embark on something else that is equally disturbing. We address that successfully but then it starts all over again.

I have had a thought of breaking up but at the same time I think this is something that could be fixed. Moreover, I still love my wife. Probably a bit of counselling would help.

Reply to Patrick
Posted by: Casper | 2011/04/07

Don''t risk your career for such a person. I say she isn''t compatiable. File for divorce, you did your best. She doesn''t deserve you, she must cause nonsense somewhere else!

Reply to Casper
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/07

Obviously her misconduct would be very embarrassing for you, and she would know that it would be. The implications for the marriage and other aspecs of life, would best be based on a proper assessment of her by a shrink.
One would wonder if these have been the only episodes of irresponsible behaviour, or just the only episodes which you know of. Is she irresponsible in other ways in her life ?
As pixie points out, SOMETIMES such behaviour, as in a naughty child, is a way of seeking attention.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2011/04/06

Rereading your post it strikes me that there is no concern for your wife''s happiness or health. It is all about the effect on you, what people think of you, whether you are happy. I think you''ve made up your mind already to get out of this marriage, and you came her seeking justification.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2011/04/06

*I had to fork out a lot of money to get her out scot-free and without a criminal record.*

I hope you mean that you spent the money on a good lawyer.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2011/04/06

She could be bored or desperate to get your attention, and too immature to do so in a socially acceptable manner. Or perhaps she tried the socially acceptable route and you didn''t respond? On the other hand she could have some mental illness that has impulsive or inappropriate behaviour as a symptom. Without hearing her side of the story it is simply not possible to tell. Why don''t you ask her if she will go to marriage counselling with you so that the two of you can figure out if you have a shared vision for the future, if you''re meeting each other''s needs, and what should be done about it?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Dina | 2011/04/06

You say you are generally happy, but is SHE? Shoplifting and cheating may be done because she''s depressed and she''s looking for something to make her feel alive. And yes, she may not be thinking about you because she is unhappy but it doesn''t always mean that she doesn''t love you.

Reply to Dina
Posted by: pixie | 2011/04/06

I think she is looking for attention, 1st from another man and then the shop lifting. It seems like she want to step over the line and might get one or other thrill out of it.
A lifepartner will not cheat on you if she loves you!!!
A lifepartnet will not break the law that could maybe resulted in jail time, and could destroy your marige.
She sounds very self centerd where you on the other hand sound carring, and protective and forgving.
Why is she crossing the line???
Why does she need the challange and the thirll of shop lifting?
What does your wife do for a living?

As a woman I would do things like this to get excitement in life, a challenge, something new, something nuaghty just to see if I can get away with it.

Clearly she can, so get help asap because what will she do next?

Reply to pixie

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