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Question
Posted by: dean | 2010/08/16

is she cheating? Help

my entries 466 469 and 487 lead me to ask the question.
After 19 years do i call it quits?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dean, having gone back to the messages you wrote, including the other one earlier today, my overriding sense is that you are focusing heavily on the sexual aspects and doing so in quite a direct and assertive way. In my experience in working with women, this approach is likely to come across as pressuring and all about the sex and not about her. Now I'm sure missing much of the picture as you are afterall writing a question on the sexology forum - but you need to consider whether there are aspects of the relationship outside of sex that need some attention. It may also be that your partner has lost libido - this is common in long term relationships and makes arousal and interest in other sexual activity more difficult...in such circumstances she may have to 'drive' her desire and sexual arousal which may be an effort. I'm not suggesting that this makes it a 'done deal', or that you must just accept it; she also has to play her part in addressing the differences between to the two of you. I would recommend that you consider seeing a professional to identify your respective contributions and try to find a mutually agreeable way forward as it is a long relationship to just 'bin'. FAMSA offers such counselling as do other private practitioners nationwide. If you want a referral to a private practitioner, either contact your GP or call the SASHA helpline and leave a message: 0860 100 262.

Claire - SASHA

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

10
Our users say:
Posted by: Lady | 2010/08/16

I would also suggest counselling as there might be other issues which overlap into the bed issue and make it look like she is getting it somewhere else. I know for a fact that something like that happened to me. Our marriage was having problems. The relationship was deteriorating and I was resenting my husband. When we had sex I also ended up wanting him to help himself and get it over and done with. I usually am very sensitive on the breast so when he attempted to touch them during sex, I would remove his hands as I did not want to be aroused. I therefore think that there might be something that is hurting her which needs attention and which is making her get irritated by you even touching her. I doubt if she is cheating. Couple counselling would help you guys out. Don''t call it quits. Good luck.

Reply to Lady
Posted by: Amina | 2010/08/16

Paul you are a Psycho

Reply to Amina
Posted by: Zola | 2010/08/16

GO FOR COUPLES COUNSELLING before making any huge decisions

Reply to Zola
Posted by: Anon | 2010/08/16

" Last wed i suprised her and bought her lunch and went to her office she ate thanked me and went back to work when she came home i was told that she got an e mail stating that they are not allowed visitors."  From this I can only say what I think that might be going on here. 1) she is either having and affair as you mentioned 2) her boss (If it''s a male) coul be sexually harassig her or even she might be having an affair with the boss herself. If it''s a female boss, she''s probably like those witch type that can''t stand to see another womans man that cares that much. 3) I could even be a work colleague (that she may be having an affair with) that saw you and did not like the whole idea tgat you were there and probably told her that she didn''t like that. She could''ve even made the whole email thing up. (cause you don''t mention that she brought the email home to show you as prove). If she perharps brought the email home then you would know where you stand. Lunch breaks are lunch breaks, as long as there''s no alcohol or drugs on the companys premises. If you really and trully believe that sh may be cheating on you, do the following, don''t be intimate with her fo atleast two or even three weeks,( cause if she is having an affair she is puttihn your life at risk from contracting diseases, cause the guy will obviously have other partners!), when she''s in the shower or gone to thx bathroom, pretend you not takig not of her, and don''t show her that you are suspicious of her behaviour, an quickly take her phone see all the SMS she get and see how many phone calls she get from a specific person. Pubic hair: mmm after she takes a bath or show, when she comes from work, see of there is any male hair around, you will obviously know the diff between yours and another man. There are so many ways you can really catch her out. You can even buy another phone, sim etc, put that phone on auto answer and hide it in her car. Or even get a video camera. You could Just ask her out straight. But she will obviusly deny it, and then know you are suspicious of her behaviour.

Hope you find the answer you lookig for.
Lol I apologise for the extremely long post.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: paul | 2010/08/16

It is not a very nice situation, but are you prepare to stay with yuor wife if she is cheating?

Reply to paul
Posted by: Izolde | 2010/08/16

i say stay!

Reply to Izolde
Posted by: Woman | 2010/08/16

You ask such a difficult question, Dean. And only you can answer it. Your first question to yourself should be - " can I trust her?"  The second question should be: " Am I willing to to put in the effort required to re-build the relationship?"  And then you can get to the question - is my relationship worth it? I feel for you, it is hard to have to make decisions like this and I wish you all the best of luck!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: dean | 2010/08/16

thanks amelia
Bt i am battling with this and need some direction b4 i do sumting crazy

Reply to dean
Posted by: Amelia | 2010/08/16

You are the only one, who can answer that question.........relationships are complicated

Reply to Amelia
Posted by: Sexologist | 2010/08/16

Dean, having gone back to the messages you wrote, including the other one earlier today, my overriding sense is that you are focusing heavily on the sexual aspects and doing so in quite a direct and assertive way. In my experience in working with women, this approach is likely to come across as pressuring and all about the sex and not about her. Now I'm sure missing much of the picture as you are afterall writing a question on the sexology forum - but you need to consider whether there are aspects of the relationship outside of sex that need some attention. It may also be that your partner has lost libido - this is common in long term relationships and makes arousal and interest in other sexual activity more difficult...in such circumstances she may have to 'drive' her desire and sexual arousal which may be an effort. I'm not suggesting that this makes it a 'done deal', or that you must just accept it; she also has to play her part in addressing the differences between to the two of you. I would recommend that you consider seeing a professional to identify your respective contributions and try to find a mutually agreeable way forward as it is a long relationship to just 'bin'. FAMSA offers such counselling as do other private practitioners nationwide. If you want a referral to a private practitioner, either contact your GP or call the SASHA helpline and leave a message: 0860 100 262.

Claire - SASHA

Reply to Sexologist

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