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Question
Posted by: diana | 2012/07/30

Is it wrong to have male friends when ur married?

Hi, I have been married for over 8 yrs and have been with hubby for 10. I still keep in touch with male friends, that have been nothing more than friends. Many have been friends since we were kids in primary school. I am almost 40 now. They have families and we talk about our families, movies, life in general &  even get advice from each other.

Is it wrong? I have lots of female friends too, whom I have also been friends with since we were in school. i get together with the girls for a quick dinner every few months, but don''t ever meet up with any male friends.

My hubby says I have too many friends. But this is the person that I am. He knew I have lots of friends when we married. He doesn''t believe in having friends. He believes that we should keep in touch with his family friends, most of whom are old and they always come over for dinner at his dad''s place. I have nothing in common with them.

He also does not believe in us having quality time together. Says we are married &  have kids, so he sees no reason for us to spend time away from the kids.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its surely normal to have friends, some of whom are mail, and most spouses don't find this objectionable. As I expected, it sounds as though your husband really doesn't have any genuine friends, and covers potential embarrassment about this by saying he "doesn't believe" in friends. So he has no personal experience based on which he could easily understand your friendships. Sounds like he inherited his parents friends, rather than making any for himself. Am I hearing that he DOES believe in spending time with your kids, but not with friends or indeed with each other ?
So no, of course there's nothing wrong with your entirely normal friendships, as described. The difficulty your husband has in understanding and accepting this was presumably there from the start of your relationship with him, and is unlikely to change unless he can be persuaded into mariage counselling to explore ways of understanding each other better.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Ciara | 2012/07/30

Have as many friends (male) as you like - you have a life and if your husband does not want friends, so be it.

Reply to Ciara
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/30

Its surely normal to have friends, some of whom are mail, and most spouses don't find this objectionable. As I expected, it sounds as though your husband really doesn't have any genuine friends, and covers potential embarrassment about this by saying he "doesn't believe" in friends. So he has no personal experience based on which he could easily understand your friendships. Sounds like he inherited his parents friends, rather than making any for himself. Am I hearing that he DOES believe in spending time with your kids, but not with friends or indeed with each other ?
So no, of course there's nothing wrong with your entirely normal friendships, as described. The difficulty your husband has in understanding and accepting this was presumably there from the start of your relationship with him, and is unlikely to change unless he can be persuaded into mariage counselling to explore ways of understanding each other better.

Reply to cybershrink

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