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Question
Posted by: Ashamed | 2008/08/21

Is it worth it?

I cannot believe things have gone this far that I would come to a place like this to seek help.

I am not sure where the problem is, me or my husband.

Thing is, he unemployed. Has been since April. He has done nothing to find a job. He had an IT job and says that all the adverts he sees in the IT line, requires him to have experience and qualifications for programs he does not have.

I am going to try and keep this as short as possible....

He has an excuse for absolutely everything. He sits in front of his computer all day long and when I ask him ANYTHING regarding him finding a job, gets upset and tells me I nag. We had to do something this weekend and he told me tonight that I wasted a week of his time and he now first has to catch up with HIS stuff he wanted to do before finding a job. What about the other more than 3 months he has been home??
Just understand that I most certainly do not ask him about a job everyday, but I feel I do have the right to ask how it' s going. I am 28 he is 32, we have been married for almost a year and I realised a few months ago I made a mistake. Tonight I really feel like that. I just don' t want to be with him anymore. He is lazy and his priorities are in his ass. His father gives him money every month so he probably thinks he doesn' t have to work. He ok with me if I never ask about a job, but the moment I do he changes into this lazy excuse making person.

He was lazy before we got married, but I never in my wildest dreams ever thought he will have this attitude. He screams at me and tells me to ' f'  off and he does not need me in his life. You are wondering what I am still doing here. Trust me, I wonder every day.

I actually don' t want to be with him anymore. Getting out is not so easy, where do I go, but staying is not really something I want to do right now either.

Ok, talking nonsense now, just wanted to know what you think I should do and if I should even bother wasting any more of my time.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, A, welcome to " a place like this" ! I hope you don't feel you're slumming ! It does indeed sound as though he is, at such a young age, tending to give up. Some men are especially vulnerable and wounded by losing a job, and hard to encourage to take bolder steps towards finding new opportunities. As you point out, he was lazy even before marriage, so this is a reluctance to change the habits of a life-time, rather than a new problem, even if it is showing itself in a slightly different form. How would he respond to an ultimatum, of getting his act together or you move out ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2008/08/27

Hi HOpe.

Thank you for your post.

To answer your questions.
Yes, we did get married in a Church. We did promise, for richer or poorer, but I don' t remember promising to just keep quiet and turn a blind eye to his obvious laziness when it comes to finding another job. He is suppose to be the breadwinner, the head of the house. Does he not care about our future. Does he not want to provide for his wife and hopefully one day, family???
I do work full time and when I say he needs to be the head of the house and the provider, I don' t mean that I will stop working. I enjoy working and will continue, but it seems as though he is just not concerned about our future.

I have suggested to him a million times to try and start his own business. Since before he was born his parents had their own business and when he grew up he started working in the business. He flourished. Unfortunately the company no longer exists. He has the experience to do his own thing, he is a very good sales person, but no qualifications. All companies want a piece of paper stating you studied what ever and then the person cannot do the job, why not hire someone with the necessary experience????? I will never understand that.

I do give him tasks to do at home, which he does do and he does a good job too, but hell, now is NOT the time to play on the computer. Having a job is much more important. He is not putting in any effort and I am getting more and more frustrated.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Hope | 2008/08/25

Dear Ashamed,
So sorry to see that Cybershrink did not exactly tell you what you would have wanted to hear which is probably to kick him into touch. Truth is that Cybershrink is right. You guys are still very young and can make it work. Plus, I am sure you got married in church and pledged to stay with him for richer for poorer? Have you suggested to him that you go with to employment agencies? I just know from our area that there is such a shortage of IT guys and he should be able to get work very quickly. Or maybe as he is sitting in front of the computer all day, why not suggest to him to start a business? There is some awesome webpages where he could find information from. It is not as if he has anything to loose? Good luck to you girl as it probably the hardest thing ever. Because men seem to think that they deserve to be respected, but they actually earn it and this is not the way to earn it. I truly hope your situation can be turned around but you need to empower yourself as well. If you are working then let him do the housework. If you are not working, then go and find a job so that you can become financially independent.

Reply to Hope
Posted by: Ashamed | 2008/08/22

Wow, what a waste of time to come here.

Reply to Ashamed
Posted by: Ja | 2008/08/22

Do you work? If so youre probably dragging his lazy-ass around anyway and it should be easy to " get-out" . If not........well then there are two lazy-assed people in this and unfortunately no hope.

Reply to Ja

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