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Question
Posted by: Debbie | 2010/10/12

Is it too much information???

My fiance and I are about to go through premarriage counselling. One of the questions on the questionaire is: " Is there anything in your sexual past that may affect your relationship?" 

I have had a threesome in my past (but I only had sex with the one guy involved). This was many years ago when I was young and stupid.

...anyway... I told my PREVIOUS boyfriend about this, and he freeked out and told me I was a whore.

So, my question is... do I tell my fiance? We are supposed to be honest in this questionaire, and having said what happened when I told my ex-boyfriend about it, it feels like it may be an issue that could affect us.

Please advise

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

This is a tough one as it can have consequences any which way you choose. It also depends on what he knows about you, e.g if he thinks he is marrying a virgin, the shock may be too big... My mother-in-law always says: "'n man moet alles eet en nie alles weet" (a man must eat everything, but does not have to know about everything!) Honesty however can save embarrassment later - you never know when some one either innocently or maliciously discloses that to him. The best is to stay true to your value system and make a decision accordingly. If you stay with your value system, you can live with yourself! Deidre -SASHA

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16
Our users say:
Posted by: MAN | 2010/10/22

Dude - you trully have spoken like a dude. I bet you are playing for the other team

Reply to MAN
Posted by: the dude | 2010/10/18

What some guys perceive as " the male ego"  is sometimes a euphism for " insecurity" . You said you were young and stupid when you did these things. We are all yong and stupid once and all of us did things we are not proud of. Be it sexual things or drugs or whatever. The point is that we are supposed to learn from our past mistakes and grow up to be wiser human beings.
If your future husband has the maturity and wisdom to handle this information by all means reveal it, but if you are not sure that he has it yet be discreet.

Reply to the dude
Posted by: anothe guy | 2010/10/13

Dont tell him, it will upset him,even if he doesnt say so, he will feel violated, it should have been told at the beginning of the relationship, you can admit to having sex before, but certain details are not wise to admit. I found out that my wife just jerked a guy off, no sex, years after we were married, and it bothered me. I never said anything, but should have known years before. She told me, so it wasnt something that came out of the closet. The important thing is to see the future, and put the past behind you, even if you find out in the questionaire that he has had a 3some, thats okay, but a man is a strange animal, I am a man, and even if I know sometimes I am been stupid, but am still bothered by this or that. So keep it to yourself, unless specifically asked, then one should be honest

Reply to anothe guy
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/13

Waco, thank you for your posiitve comments! It makes my day :)

This is a difficult question, debbie has all my sympathy!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Waco | 2010/10/13

Woman, as mentioned earlier, I do highly respect your comments and once again you are 100% correct. It has so much to do with the ''ego''. Lying will never be an option to you, but according to to your past comments you are an exceptional woman, who will turn a head ache or miserable day into a beautiful evening, there for, never giving your husband any doubts about you. Some women will turn a negative incident into a major, stressful event and have a head ache for days after. That is when the husband starts doubting his performance, thinks about the past....Being honest is always the best in any relationship, but sometimes one must concider the outcome and place your partner into the mentioned 1-4 catagory. Very good advice from you, once again. How ever, Debbie still has to make a decission, which is not very easy and like you cautioned, Think well befor you tell.
Have a nice day.

Reply to Waco
Posted by: H | 2010/10/13


The question in the questionaire:

" Is there anything in your sexual past that may affect your relationship?" 

Hopefully the threesome is bygones and then you can truthfully not refer to it.
As a man it is not something I will want to be informed of.

If I met you while flying somewhere and for some reason you, as a stranger, told me your sexual history, then I know it upfront and in we ever meet again, and our relationship grow, then it is fine.

But if we have been going out for some time, please keep this for yourself, it will put a serious dent in my male ego and the image that I have been building up of you.

Reply to H
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/13

Waco, Variety is the spice of life, no offence taken :)

Debbie, I was the only woman who answered. There were 5 men. One said tell him, the other 4 said don''t. So you have to decide whether your fiancé  is a 1 or a 4.

If he''s 4, don''t tell him, If he is 1, you honestly have nothing to worry about. But be sure! If you think he''s 1, you can look forward to a marriage built on honesty and acceptance. If he''s 4, then you should never tell. The one thing I do know, is that if a man has an ego in such things, it''s best that he thinks you''re a sexual beginner and that he''s the only person who can teach you anything. There is nothing wrong in lying to keep your husband and your marriage happy.

Lying will never be an option to me, but that''s just me. I understand why an omission like this would be beneficial in certain circumstances.

Good luck!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Waco | 2010/10/13

Debbie, there are lots to concider before you decide, as this decision is going to stay with you for a very long time. It is good to have a very honest relationship and although I highly respect the comments made by woman, I have to disagree with her on this. ( sorry woman) A man has correctly given all the reasons for this and he can not be more closer to the truth. Telling him will come back and haunt you later in life, especially the times ( and they will be there) when you don''t feel like making love, he will think that you reject him, but accepted the others,. Woman once made a statement of'' always being a lady, but a whore in the bedroom.'' That is fantastic and men really appreciate that, but when they think about you being a whore in someone else''s bedroom, you are going to have problems. Like a man said, your decission is diffycult and only you can decide what to do. Good luck

Reply to Waco
Posted by: sexologist | 2010/10/13

This is a tough one as it can have consequences any which way you choose. It also depends on what he knows about you, e.g if he thinks he is marrying a virgin, the shock may be too big... My mother-in-law always says: "'n man moet alles eet en nie alles weet" (a man must eat everything, but does not have to know about everything!) Honesty however can save embarrassment later - you never know when some one either innocently or maliciously discloses that to him. The best is to stay true to your value system and make a decision accordingly. If you stay with your value system, you can live with yourself! Deidre -SASHA

Reply to sexologist
Posted by: Bozo | 2010/10/12

I have to agree with man.As a man I would never like to know that kind of information about my wife''s past.I would surely look at her differantly.

Reply to Bozo
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/12

Thanks Two-stone, it means allot. Leave a comment some time :)

Man has raised the other side of the coin. Remember I speak of MY relationship and only you can compare the two. If you are very unsure, contact a professional. Good luck either way!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: MAN | 2010/10/12

Honestly - you guys need to learn how guys think. I believe you have been watching way too many romantic movies. Ask yourself this question, knowing him, would he like to know something like that? for example what good would come out of it if told. Unless you plan to have another three some, it is done and over.......Something like 3some is a big deal guys....how you did and why are irrelevant in most guys'' mind, what matters is, you did it. The topic of 3some will come up with friends as you guys chat and stuff and believe you me......it will eat him alive whether or not he admits it......It is not a female thing to understand....for example....men will never understand why woman need 70 pairs of shoes or why it takes them 3 hours to decide on a right dress because they are not build to understand. my point is, men are all build in a certain way......staff like that is kinda of difficult to explaint to a woman why it is a big deal... It just is......true love or not ......we are human and as far as the human slogan go....we are all not perfect BUT THERE IS A LINE and believe me you have crossed it, intentionally or not.......SO KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. You don''t have to explain your whole past...it is called the past. past . past. past and it is gone. BUT choose to make the present, you will be looking for MR RIGHT FOR A VERY LONGTIME.

I am sorry but this had to be said and I am not judging you just cautioning you.

Reply to MAN
Posted by: Stronkie | 2010/10/12

Debbie
Do you know the meaning of unconditional love? If you love him that way, you shouldn''t worry about it. If he loves you that way, he won''t worry about it.
Pray to God and thank Him for the privilege of loving your special person. Forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness and build your future together.

Reply to Stronkie
Posted by: two-stone | 2010/10/12

Shoo, a difficult one! I agree with both XXX and Woman (but then, I am a Gemini !)
I think Woman''s advice might be the better one as regards finding out if your Fiance is the right one for you and your future. However, be ready that it may implode on your relationship. I think the secret (no pun intended!) is in how you tell him - she makes a very good point about that and I( would pay careful attention to the wayu in which you discuss this with him. By the way, Woman, I read ALL you Blogs, but cannot access them at workm, and my home pc is broken at the moment. Good luck Debbie!

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/12

You are engaged to be married to this man. Do you think he loves you. YOU with all your faults and your hair in the morning. If you have hesitation about what his reaction would be (i.e. rejection), then you need some help. A marriage is about 2 people becoming one. Do you want to be one with this person? Try honesty, if he dumps you or uses it against you, he''s a looser anyway. Show me one person who doesn''t carry their own sins and I''ll show you an angel.

My hubby &  I are honest about everything. We trust each other implicitly, this trust transcend any histories we both have. That was then, this is now. What would you think if it were him telling you he had a threesome? Would you hold it over his head, or say: " oh me too, not as much as it was made out to be, huh?" 

Think well before you tell, this is about more than a threesome.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: XXX | 2010/10/12

Unless there is another way he can get to know about it,I would not say anything

Reply to XXX

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