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Question
Posted by: Nomava | 2013-02-13

Is it time to move on

Ive been living with my customary husband for the past 5yrs. We have 2 kids. From the time we met i never hid who i was.and i laid down my expectations:

Be upfront about issues coz once trust is broken, it cant be fixed
Dont get me used to going out with you coz i will always expect it
I am a creature of routine, maintain it then i will be happy
I am calculating and skeptical(dont forget ur lies)
I am not furniture or security for your house.
I strive on attention and being nurtured
4 years down the line the following is the norm:
he cheats
he is always out with friends and comes back early morning
he is emotionaly and verbally abusive
he never has time for me and his kids
draining me financialy

The main issues which i feel are the main cause of our problems are the following:

He hid the fact that he was HIV positive. I found out late and ended up staying. Luckily i am still negative and my kids
he bought a house which he cannot afford. i earn a fifth of what he earns and expects me to take care of 40% of our expenses.which does not make sense while he spends his money on alcohol
he is an alcoholic and refuses to get help
he is pathological liar, lies about stupid things
he refuses to be tested for TB. I have a newborn in the house who is susceptible to infections and shares my bed.the doctor advised me to get him tested to safeguard my child coz he is always coughing

I am trying to save money so i can afford to move out but he makes it impossible.I dont understand why i shud assist him financially so he can go spend it with his gals. Things run out at home and i always have to make a plan.He expects me to serve him his food on a plate every day but he has never done anything for me.
he uses reverse psychology and tells me normal men go out weekends and he is the only one who is not allowed. I am not being difficult, i just expect him home by 2am which he fails to do.

I am 16yrs his junior and people always say i look great but my self esteem has been killed which is why i still stay and take his sh#t.

I am at wits end. I cannot be a gud parent to my kids if im not happy.

I don’ t want to end up bitter and stay just to plan my revenge. I know all his weak points and secrets. I can easily destroy him but I haven’ t.

What should I do

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So he lies and cheats and neglects you and the children ; he hid the fact he was HIV positive, with potential risk to your life. Nothing you describe sounds loving at all, on his side. And though fortunately you're still negative, this could change if you continue to have sex with him. His refusal to get tests for TB suggests that at least he strongly suspects he may have TV, also infectious for you and the children.
He continues to lie. "Normal men" do NOT go out every weekend and do not neglect their wife and children.
Contact a group for abused women like POWA and get advice and support towards moving out. Explore whether there are any family or friends who could help to shelter you.
I agree with David that his guy is not going to change ; I disagree slightly when he says : "you cant judge a person by his disease" - you can and should judge a person by how they choose to deal with their disease. L:ying about it so as to risk the life of other people such as wife and children, must not escape judgement as a bad and selfish way to behave

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: David | 2013-02-13

You need to love yourself and let it go.this is coming from a man. He never loved you and never will. I stay at home with my family and so do many men i know( i am black). Once you have a family you let go of your old life. That is why when you marry they say you leave behind your past. He probably had a bad upbringing so he sees his behavior as normal.

Being a family man is a choice. He obviously chose to not care about you or his kids. i will not even entertain the HIV issue since you accepted and you cant judge a person by his disease. This issue here is his dishonesty. He was not upfront and put your life at risk. Men like that deserve to go to jail.

I have heard similar issues amongst our black sisters. You have to get out. He is obviously not going to change

Reply to David
Posted by: Stacey | 2013-02-13

Dear Nomava

For the sake of yourself and your kids move out as soon as possible even if means putting your kids with family you can trust or in foster homes or even going to a shelter for abused woman just so that you can get on your feet. In my opinion you are very abused and you do not see the value that you have and what you can make of your life. You are blessed to not be sick due to his filandering. Phone POWA or even FAMSA.

Reply to Stacey
Posted by: Kelly | 2013-02-13

''From the time we met i never hid who i was.and i laid down my expectations:...''
SERIOUSLY, seems like instead you dropped all you expectations when you got with him.
You found out he has HIV and yet stayed and had a baby even though he treated you like sh*t!
I actually do not know what to say, reading the way he treats you, shocking considering what your expectations used to be.

I would suggest have a look at what your expectations were before and then a look at your life and you decide what you worth and what you deserve.

Reply to Kelly

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