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Question
Posted by: Debs | 2011/12/07

Is it stupid to be hurt by this? When will I be accepted?

I have been dating my fiance for 8 years, we got officially engaged a couple of months ago. It has been full of ups and downs with his family. First the mother likes me and the father doesn''t, then the mother doesn''t like me and the father does, then the mother doesn''t want anything to do with us and the father at least asks how I am. My fiances mother hasn''t spoken to him since he told her we''re engaged. He didn''t tell his father, he figured the news would spread. He''s not that close to his father. But now the father invited my fiance to his birthday. Just him. Not me. I''m quite hurt by this, haven''t told my fiance though. I''m just wondering why they do this to me. I feel like an outcast.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like an odd family with problems of its own. And apparently the parents, and maybe especially the mother, wants to control his life and his choices. But overall there seems to be too much lack of communication. Its peculiar for a man not to tell his father he has become engaged, especially to someone the father knows, figuring that "the news would spread" - maybe it'd turn up on the evening TV news, but one shouldn't rely on it !
And now you feel understandably hurt about something, but you haven't told your fiance - why not ? Discuss this calmly with him. Maybe he can use th occasion of the father's birthday celebrations to have a serious talk with father and mother and sort out the ill-feeling and miscommunications. As Maria says, it high time your fiancee man's up and acts responsibly towards you and the family.
Relying on someone else noticing a change in relationship status on Facebook is plain silly, and demonstrates further why I consider the Facebook follies to be more often a cause of problems than people want to realize.
Firect, calm, clear communication can only help - it may not solve all the problems, but will at least lessen the misunderstandings and have less people guessing or assuming what might be happening.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Debs | 2011/12/08

Thanks for all the replies. At Lisa, thanks for your advice. I will try to accept that they will just never accept me and try not to let it bring me down.

At Obvious, I do understand your point  I don’ t know why my fiancé  thought his mother would spread the news. She is not impressed at all and can guarantee that she doesn’ t WANT the news to spread. We are both friends with his sister on Facebook and she would have seen our change in relationship status and I think he also thought she might say something (his sister was living with their dad at the time). He’ s not close with his father for a lot of reasons, but they do still talk often and his father does ask how I am doing. My fiancé  is so torn by everyone in his family, I wonder if he thinks I don’ t want to go because of the way I have been treated…  I tried to call him a bit earlier today to talk about it but he’ s busy. We’ ll talk tonight about it.

At Jenna, thank you. I will speak to him tonight.

At Nini, you are right  the only time they want to talk to my fiancé  is when it is about soccer or his sister. They never just phone to see how he’ s doing and he doesn’ t phone them because there are a lot of issues (my fiancé  feels his family has dislikes him his whole life, prefers his sister and in all honesty their attitude towards him, I don’ t blame him for thinking that). I do agree with you that the fact that his family might or might not know (after all, when he told his mother we were engaged she just told him it’ s his life, no congratulations, nothing. His father and them might know but just don’ t want to congratulate) doesn’ t mean that I shouldn’ t have gotten invited, after all like Jenna said I have been with him for 8 years, that is more than enough.

Thanks again.

Reply to Debs
Posted by: Maria | 2011/12/08

Your fiance must man up and tell his family he cannot accept invitations without you. He must put you first, otherwise it''s not going to work.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Nini | 2011/12/08

Has anyone thought that perhaps she wasnt invited because her fiance didnt even bother to tell his parents that they are now engaged?

Seems like a serious lack of communication and respect in the family in general. Now I know there are issues between everybody, and I am not excusing them at all! But my point is, perhaps if he had informed his parents taht thye are now engaged, perhaps she would have been included on the invite.

Not that they have to be engaged to qualify for a joint invite, but my point is that they clearly are not very close to begin with, and neither party shows much interest in each other''s life, for whatever reason.

I would be offended if I was not invited, but I would not make a scene about it if I knew there was a history with the family. But what I would do is ask my fiance to speak to his father and tell him about our engagement, and that they need to accept his decision for us to build a life togehter.

Reply to Nini
Posted by: Jenna | 2011/12/08

@ Obvious, 8 years of dating and the father STILL doesn''t think she''s a permanent fixture? Please. And as for her not telling her fiance, her subject is ''is it stupid to be hurt by this''- she obviously doesn''t want to bother her fiance for something she thinks might not be worth it. Read a little more into things.
@Debs, I do think you need to bring this up with your fiance. His father not inviting you is just rude. He knows you are there and you exsist, otherwise he wouldn''t ask how you are.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/08

Sounds like an odd family with problems of its own. And apparently the parents, and maybe especially the mother, wants to control his life and his choices. But overall there seems to be too much lack of communication. Its peculiar for a man not to tell his father he has become engaged, especially to someone the father knows, figuring that "the news would spread" - maybe it'd turn up on the evening TV news, but one shouldn't rely on it !
And now you feel understandably hurt about something, but you haven't told your fiance - why not ? Discuss this calmly with him. Maybe he can use th occasion of the father's birthday celebrations to have a serious talk with father and mother and sort out the ill-feeling and miscommunications. As Maria says, it high time your fiancee man's up and acts responsibly towards you and the family.
Relying on someone else noticing a change in relationship status on Facebook is plain silly, and demonstrates further why I consider the Facebook follies to be more often a cause of problems than people want to realize.
Firect, calm, clear communication can only help - it may not solve all the problems, but will at least lessen the misunderstandings and have less people guessing or assuming what might be happening.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: obvious | 2011/12/07

His father may not have invited you as he does not realise you are now a permanent fixture in his sons life - after all you say they are not close.

if your fiance really loves you when responding to his fathers invitation he will inform him he is engaged and can only accept if you are also included.

Also learn to communicate with your intended - why would you not discuss things that are upsetting you with the person you have elected to spend the rest of your life with.....?

Reply to obvious
Posted by: Lisa | 2011/12/07

Hope u dont mind me reading and giving advice. I have so much experience in this situation. You are not going to marry his parents, only him. Just ignore them if they ignore you. He loves you no matter what. You dont need them. He is not close to his father, so you dont have to feel outcasted by him. (Excuse my English!!). Your mother in law has issues of her own, dont make it yours. She will come to you one day, give it time, she will feel bad one day.Rather concentrate and spend your time with people that really cares about you. Seems your mother has a mood disorder and you dont need that in your life!

Reply to Lisa

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