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Question
Posted by: Wondering Wife | 2010/11/17

Is it possible that he is a new man

My husband had an affair. I found out last year March. We ended up in the divorce court and well I never divorced him. Before the divorce he was very horrible to me in a “ nice”  way. He use to get home late, always look for a fights, even hit me once or twice. Oh and off course mental about sex. We had major problems and we went for counseling, but while we went for counseling, he kinda put all the blame on me. He always wanted to go out, although I was with 99% of the time, he loved going to clubs, etc. He was a control freak and I couldn''t do anything ALONE. When I found out about his 1 year affair I told him to get out of my life and I am divorcing him. He than realised that I was serious and he ended his affair. Called me non stop and ask me to please not do it and he will do anything but he cannot loose me and our child. I was determined to go through with the divorce. After receiving his summons, he freaked out. Cried like a baby. The eve before the divorce date he came to see me and begged for the last time. I got him at the court that day, there and than,cried again. Well I couldn''t go through with it and we reconciled. That was last year July. Even since he has been nothing but sweet, loving, compassionate and all things I always wanted from him. Yes we do have our “ fights” , but nothing compared to the time before the almost divorce. I am happy now, but STILL don''t trust him the way I should. He doesn''t give me reason not to trust him, but still. It has been over a year and we went BACK for counseling. Coz according to society, you will never change. If you did it once, you will do it again. We live a cosy comfortable lifestyle and we all seem to be happy. Can a person really change or is he just making me soft so he can start his crap again........Coz the summons was valid for a year and it “ expired”  this year June. I actually thought he will just behave till June........But he is still ok. Did he really change???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Such a degree of change is possible but rather unlikely. It takes time for him to earn back a degree of trust from someone he has treated so badly. Of course you were right to go back for counselling, and it is within that counselling that you would best explore these issues. Does he, there. now take responsibility for all that he did ?

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: ma | 2010/11/18

If there is one thing i know and know for sure is that people don''t change.

Reply to ma
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/11/17

There are people who do change after experiencing " near death"  experiences. The theory about " once a cheater always a cheater"  is based on stats. Most people will apologise just to get what they want, and when they do get it they go back to their old ways. You can''t know for sure if he''ll go back to his old ways. But who said life has guarantees.

What matters now is you are happy with the current situation. As for trusting him, he will have to work his behind off to re-gain your trust.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/17

Such a degree of change is possible but rather unlikely. It takes time for him to earn back a degree of trust from someone he has treated so badly. Of course you were right to go back for counselling, and it is within that counselling that you would best explore these issues. Does he, there. now take responsibility for all that he did ?

Reply to cybershrink

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