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Question
Posted by: tired | 2010/02/16

is it possible?

Is a marriage without sex possible? Still hugs and kisses just not sex? My boyfriend wants to get married and we had numerous fights in the past about this, lately he says it is OK we do not have to have sex, meaning no putting things in places, but I am very scared that once we are married he will start pushing to get a little more every time. I do not want to have sex because I do not want kids and contraceptives are not reliable enough in my eyes, and I have had enough of hospitals in my life. Has anyone been in a similar position, I would like to hear from you, what was your experience?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

DOn't get married until all of this is sorted out. You REALLY need to see a therapist, counsellor, to help you sort out what sound like very troubling and mixed up ideas about love, sex, and child-bearing - maybe relating in part to some earlier life experiences of your own, or to things you may have heard or mis-heard.
I know of successful, lasting and loving mariages in which sex did not play a large part, by MUTUAL choice or cirsumstance. But it is very ominous for a lasting relationship when someone starts by being determined not to ever have sex, and fears sex and procreation, for whatever reason.
As Maria says, if there were valid reasons for you to avoid pregnancy ( such as serious health problems ) you could be sterilized - it need not prevent you from enjoying sex.
Nobody is saying that mariage is entirely about sex - but it also is not 100 % NOT about sex, and a marriage based on a refusal to even consider sexual activity, is an odd relationship.
In many years of experience, I have never come across anyone with such a fixed and absolute determination to avoid sex and child-bearing which had simply arisen for natural reasons - it is uncommon, and has, in my experience so far, always been based on chilhood experiences of molestation or similar highly negative experiences.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bella | 2010/02/16

How old are you?
You sound very immature and narrow minded to understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship in a marriage. You have probably had a bad sexual experience in the past or you are scared of having sex because you are still a virgin. Either way, you need to sort our your own issues before expecting your boyfriend to enter into a lifetime commitment like that. I think that you' re just being way too selfish!

Reply to Bella
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/02/16

There really are ways to ensure that you don' t get pregnant - speak to your gynae!! You could be sterilized, he could get a vasectomy and you could use condoms. NO WAY you' d get pregnant! So if you knew for a fact there was no chance of pregnancy, would you then have sex with him once you' re married? If the answer is no, there are some other serious issues you need to address.....

Good luck!

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: Woman | 2010/02/16

I am sorry, but a marriage is about sex. A marriage without sex is just a friendship. This is my opinion. I think you have serious issues with sex and that you must go see somebody as a matter of urgency.

There are health reasons why men need to have sex regularly. I cannot believe that the man will stay loyal to you sexually if you don' t have a sex life. Be realistic about this, please.

And when he has sex with someone else and it is so good that he wants it regularly, he will leave you. That is also a fact. Or are you willing to live with his mistresses too?

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Maria | 2010/02/16

Tired are you taking any chronic medication?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Kim | 2010/02/16

Dont get married please.
Leave this poor guy and live on your own with 10 cats.
This means you will be happy and he could go and find a normal women who would love and appreciate him.

Reply to Kim
Posted by: Maria | 2010/02/16

If you really cannot find a way to have sex with your husband then I think it will be only fair to set the poor guy free and find yourself a female or gay companion to share a house with.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: tired | 2010/02/16

So is Xxxxxxxx is a relationship only about sex? What about other things like companionship and enjoying each other' s company and doing things together? We both do not want kids. And I think about this every single day, that is why I am posting here, I am desperate. Thanks for your comments. Do not feel that I can compromise on this and the 1% change of OCs is too much!!!

Reply to tired
Posted by: xxxxxxx | 2010/02/16

What is the RElationship all about?Do you really think that its possible to stay married without having sex?What about your future husband' s needs?He has respected and love you enough to even consider marrying you.Have you ever heard about compromise?How does he feel about having kids?Have you really thought about this?Please be considerate lady, its 2010, wake up or you will loose him....

Reply to xxxxxxx
Posted by: Maria | 2010/02/16

You need to examine your reasons for not wanting to have sex very carefully. Sex is a small but very important part of marriage. Oral contraceptives are very effective if taken correctly, and in conjunction with condoms should virtually guarantee that you won' t get pregnant. You can also be sterilised. I wonder if your reason for not wanting to have sex actually hides some other underlying issues? Your marriage is unlikely to last under your conditions. Maybe see a psychologist to work on this?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/16

DOn't get married until all of this is sorted out. You REALLY need to see a therapist, counsellor, to help you sort out what sound like very troubling and mixed up ideas about love, sex, and child-bearing - maybe relating in part to some earlier life experiences of your own, or to things you may have heard or mis-heard.
I know of successful, lasting and loving mariages in which sex did not play a large part, by MUTUAL choice or cirsumstance. But it is very ominous for a lasting relationship when someone starts by being determined not to ever have sex, and fears sex and procreation, for whatever reason.
As Maria says, if there were valid reasons for you to avoid pregnancy ( such as serious health problems ) you could be sterilized - it need not prevent you from enjoying sex.
Nobody is saying that mariage is entirely about sex - but it also is not 100 % NOT about sex, and a marriage based on a refusal to even consider sexual activity, is an odd relationship.
In many years of experience, I have never come across anyone with such a fixed and absolute determination to avoid sex and child-bearing which had simply arisen for natural reasons - it is uncommon, and has, in my experience so far, always been based on chilhood experiences of molestation or similar highly negative experiences.

Reply to cybershrink

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