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Question
Posted by: CC | 2010/11/09

Is it over?

I told my partner (we have 3 kids but not married) that it''s over a couple of months ago. He''s an alcoholic (need I say more?). I just couldn''t stand being told I''m a B... etc anymore. I moved out of the house for a couple of days. Together with our neighbour, he was able to pick himself up and find God again. He''s not drinking anymore (4 weeks) and he really seemed to have changed. We had to move back as our finances doesn''t allow for two households. There''s no fighting anymore and the kids seems to be doing fine. Problem is, I''m not! Ok, I finally got what I wanted, he''s left the bottle etc(we''ll still have to see if it lasts). But my feelings for him has changed so much that I don''t know if I love him anymore (too little, too late?). I asked him to give me time to rediscover myself and then I will let him know how I feel about our future. At this stage I don''t know if I want to go on, but what if I still love him after the hurt is dealt with? What should I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, love may not be compulsory at this stage. But its a bit awkward if for years you have insisted that his drinking was the root of all the problems and he must stop, and now you feel appalled in some ways once he has stopped. It;s reminiscent of the old story of the habitual drunk who went home sober one night, and his dog didn't recognize him, and bit him.
If he manages to stay sober, he will be in significant ways, a different man from the one you have lived with in recent years. Stay a while and see who he now is.
And though he has managed a period of dryness, don't chance all of this my hoping it all just works out. See a marriage / couples counsellor together to work on all these issues, including support for him to enable him to stay dry.
Don't make a decision now, positive or negative, that is forever - but maybe for 6 or 12 months, depending on him staying dry, and on the outsome of the counselling

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Aha | 2010/11/10

Alchoholic? stopped just like that.... for 4 weeks? Good going. How much did he drink per day? And what?

Reply to Aha
Posted by: two-stone | 2010/11/09

Hi CC - i think Doc''s advice is really good. Be patient at this time. Time is an amazing healer and you will gradually get clarity on all the questions you have. It is worth it for yourself and your kids. So what if you find you were wrong a bit further down the line. At least you will know you did everything you could. If you are too hasty, you will always wonder if you should not have just waited a bit longer........ Good luck!

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: CC | 2010/11/09

Hi Doc. Thanks. I will definitely not make a decision now. Another thing is, how do I go about resolving these hurts and fears? What I really am scared of is that I open my eyes one day and realise that I made the wrong decision(whichever path I choose) It''s not just my life, but four other people''s as well. I really am confused.

Reply to CC
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/09

OK, love may not be compulsory at this stage. But its a bit awkward if for years you have insisted that his drinking was the root of all the problems and he must stop, and now you feel appalled in some ways once he has stopped. It;s reminiscent of the old story of the habitual drunk who went home sober one night, and his dog didn't recognize him, and bit him.
If he manages to stay sober, he will be in significant ways, a different man from the one you have lived with in recent years. Stay a while and see who he now is.
And though he has managed a period of dryness, don't chance all of this my hoping it all just works out. See a marriage / couples counsellor together to work on all these issues, including support for him to enable him to stay dry.
Don't make a decision now, positive or negative, that is forever - but maybe for 6 or 12 months, depending on him staying dry, and on the outsome of the counselling

Reply to cybershrink

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