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Question
Posted by: Alice | 2011/02/22

Is it healthy to be in this relationship?

I am 33 and my husband 36, and we have been in a relationship for 8 years, 5 of which we have been married. The problem is my husband doesnt want to have children. For the last two years, every two to three months, i have been asking him this question and its always ''let see'' or ''i dont know'' or ''we''re not stable''. This uncertainty has always left me feeling disappointed and depressive. And almost always its ended up in a fight or an argument and thats the instability he always talks about. So its a vicious cycle, we''re always fighting about the same thing and its a pattern that because of this we''re always unstable. Same fight, same answer, same answer...another fight.

I think i''ve reached a point where i dont want to argue about it anymore. I cannot imagine having children with this person and still at the back of my mind remembering all of this. Who would want to have children like that. Like it is something you have to persuade someone to do. My vision in life was to always to have someone in my life who would want to have children with me. I feel quite hurt and depressed that this has turned out to be the case and that this is something i have to argue about. It has virtually killed whatever excitement or joy one would have from having a child.

im not sure, but is it time to let go and be happy. Or am i staying in this relationship because after 8 years it would take more effort to be alone and find someone else and also face the stigma of being divorced. What to do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You are both, as you know, a bit old to be starting a family and having children, for the children's sake. Presumably you knoew this is how he felt, for the whole 8 years and 5 years of marriage ? If he doesn't feel you're a stable couple after all this time, he probably will never feel this. What puzzles me is why this seems to be something ( his anti-having-children attitude ) which you have newly discovered.
You may well be staying in the relationship out of habit ( it IS a major disruption to end it and move on, let alone to try to start again ).
Maybe seeing a counsellor would help you to clarify your thinking about what you most want and how best to get it

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: General | 2011/02/22

This should have been sorted before you made the commitment of marriage.
Time is now running out 4 u. Move on quickly maybe u can meet a man who wants kids soon?

Reply to General
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/22

You are both, as you know, a bit old to be starting a family and having children, for the children's sake. Presumably you knoew this is how he felt, for the whole 8 years and 5 years of marriage ? If he doesn't feel you're a stable couple after all this time, he probably will never feel this. What puzzles me is why this seems to be something ( his anti-having-children attitude ) which you have newly discovered.
You may well be staying in the relationship out of habit ( it IS a major disruption to end it and move on, let alone to try to start again ).
Maybe seeing a counsellor would help you to clarify your thinking about what you most want and how best to get it

Reply to cybershrink

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