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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2009-11-18

Is it cheating?

HI Doc and the rest of you who are sure to judge and nail me,

My ex fiance and I have been going thru a rough time, he just recently got retrenched. He unfortunately needs to work, idle time causes him to do stupid things. On monday last week he was going to watch a movie etc and going to fetch our daughter because I had a deadline. He went drinking with his friends instead. anyway this is how our whole relationship has been, I love him and feel like he needs to be here to be a good father to our baby. I broke the engagement off about 6 months ago, felt like his ring meant nothing to me. So monday we had a huge fight, and honestly doc in my heart of hearts i really wished we were over... We never spoke for a week.

I work with this guy, im really attracted to him and he is a gentleman, just going thru a divorce himself. anyway, last week sometime we were chatting over msn and the conversation got really HOT. bare in mind that me and fiance had split. we both masturbated. I felt so terrible afterwards and still do, i know that if i didnt think my relationship was over i wouldnt have engaged in anything untowards. Sunday night I saw my fiance and we sort of sat down and spoke. Am i supposed to tell him what happened. and im not sure he is back here for the right reasons, some times its easier to just be with someone than walk away. I find myself thinking about this colleague ALOT and i know it was just fun for him... Man the guilt is eating me up. Even tho i didnt do anything wrong, just know how i would feel if my fiance did it to me while we were broken up (altho he does drink and drug and go out with girls I dont like - ie his ex and her friend)... not saying that this is ok because he has done stuff to hurt me. I know ill be devestated... and How do i know if my hearrt is in making my relationship work.

Oh boy!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If you are currently living with the father of your child, a new relationship is hardly a good idea. And if you are in the midst of a current break-up, rushing into a new relatonship with someone also in the midst of a current break-up is hardly a good idea.

If he is still going out with his ex, he is hardly fully committed to this relationship with you.

Telling your fiancee about the one specific incident may be much ls important than having some calm discussions with him about your joint responsibilities towards the child, and perhaps the need for you both to get into some couples counselling sessions ( perhaps through FAMSA ) to help you all.

I agree with Woman - this situation needs very careful and serious thought

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Woman | 2009-11-18

Anon, I understand that you feel guilty, but the first thing you need to realise is that people in a healthy relationship (one where both parties are happy and content), do not cheat!

You say your ex/ sort of/ on/off fiancé  goes drugging and drinking with his ex? He prefers drinking with his buddies to being responsible and fetching the child from school? Red light and alarms are going off here!! Now you should know that people on drugs have no inhibitions, so yes, he probably does cheat on you anyway.

You must think about your child first. What example are you setting to him/her when you take back a dead beat dad all the time? You really ought to make the decision of whether the relationship is worth the time, tears and effort. If it' s not, move on. However difficult it is.

Everyone deserves to be in relationship where they feel cherished and loved and respected, and I can see that you do not feel one of these things!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-11-18

If you are currently living with the father of your child, a new relationship is hardly a good idea. And if you are in the midst of a current break-up, rushing into a new relatonship with someone also in the midst of a current break-up is hardly a good idea.

If he is still going out with his ex, he is hardly fully committed to this relationship with you.

Telling your fiancee about the one specific incident may be much ls important than having some calm discussions with him about your joint responsibilities towards the child, and perhaps the need for you both to get into some couples counselling sessions ( perhaps through FAMSA ) to help you all.

I agree with Woman - this situation needs very careful and serious thought

Reply to cybershrink

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