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Question
Posted by: Rose | 2012/05/17

Is it abuse or not

When my fiance and I fight he starts calling me all the names under the sun and generally runs me down and says nasty nasty things. His excuse is that he gets so angry and cant control what he is saying during a fight. He then doesnt understand that it upsets me and has a lasting effect on me. He expects me to be ok with him after the fight but the horrible things he says stay in my mind. He says when people fight it is to win or else what is the point in fighting. He says people who dont want their way with things wouldnt fight in the first place. Is all this deemed as abuse and could he actually control what hes saying. Is this just his excuse to be an a-hole?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You know, how anyone else might define it, or what label they might attach to it, isn't really important. Someone who just gets rude when there's an argument, is immature, insecure, and unable to actually argue his point of view properly. Anger isn't enough of an excuse.
If he really gets so out of control when angry, this will cause problems at work and elsewhere, and he should see a shrink about anger control problems.
Does he really not understand how you could be upset by what he says ? If you said ( don't do it, but ask him about it ) similarly nasty things about him, would he just ignore them or brush them off, and feel nothing bas about it ?
It is abusive to feel in a sense entitled to be cruel to someone else, and to expect them not to be offended by this.
These are inadequate excuses, and sound less intended to satisfy you, than to satisfy himself that he need not bother to change. Don't go ahead and marry such a person, at least not till that have worked properly with a shrink to set this right

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/19

You know, how anyone else might define it, or what label they might attach to it, isn't really important. Someone who just gets rude when there's an argument, is immature, insecure, and unable to actually argue his point of view properly. Anger isn't enough of an excuse.
If he really gets so out of control when angry, this will cause problems at work and elsewhere, and he should see a shrink about anger control problems.
Does he really not understand how you could be upset by what he says ? If you said ( don't do it, but ask him about it ) similarly nasty things about him, would he just ignore them or brush them off, and feel nothing bas about it ?
It is abusive to feel in a sense entitled to be cruel to someone else, and to expect them not to be offended by this.
These are inadequate excuses, and sound less intended to satisfy you, than to satisfy himself that he need not bother to change. Don't go ahead and marry such a person, at least not till that have worked properly with a shrink to set this right

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: XXX | 2012/05/18

Of course it is abuse,there is no need to call people names etc in an argument.
Think carefully about your future with him

Reply to XXX

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