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Question
Posted by: PleaseAdvise! | 2012/07/30

Is he hiding something or have I got trust issues???

Im really desperate to get some professionals advice here!

We have been together for around 8 yrs and married for only 6 months. Overall we have an amazing life together and I adore my husband and I know he loves me....the problem is that I don''''t trust his Blackberry use. He is on his phone alot and I believe that it''''s a lot more pleasure than business but thats cool, hes a very sociable guy and I have learned to not bug him about this.

My problem is that he has put a password on his cell and refuses to show me his bbm chat list. The few times he has he holds the phone and goes through it all in seconds so i can hardly see anything. He will never let me touch his phone. If I ask who he is chatting to, most of the time he gets furious with me and refuses, says i should trust his word and has many times said I Will Never get access to his phone!

I just keep asking What have you got to hide...and he always says the same thing...Nothing and start trusting my word.

Every now and then he will be typing a message and then when I walk in the room he quickly changes screens. When I leave I see him going back to the message. His body language changes and I immediately get this sick feeling that he is hiding something from me.

If I ask, he will tell he''s just messaging so and so but why do I get such a strong sense that he is lying &  feel sick to my stomache.

This is one topic we keep fighting over (for around a year now) and it always ends up with me begging to see who he''s chatting with, asking him to remove the password, asking him to be open and honest with me as I am with him..... But he never budges. He either loses his cool or clams up and I end up apologizing prefusley for my trust issues and left feeling like I''m going nuts!

I then try and ignore the issue and try and live all happily again but it keeps raising its head. Surely I should trust my instincts???

He is an amazing man and I adore him &  I dont want this in our life but I just don''t know how to shrug these feelings off that he is hiding something on is phone.

Please tell me what to do

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its remarkable how many folks who actually are cheating, accuse their partner of "having trust issues".
Maybe some entirely innocent people just choose, Lord knows why, to behave in a highly suspicious manner about their cellphones. But not many.
He is demanding the right to behave exactly as a cheater would, but that you must trust him anyway. Yet it would presumably be really easy for him to prove that nothing is going on, by offering you easy and assisted access to his phone.
This odd behaviour seems to be around texting, and not speaking, where at least you would hear his side of any conversation.
Stop apologisting, immediately. But stop reacting so obviously every time he does this. Maybe he's just chatting more innocently than it looks, and just getting more secretive about it in response to your obvious concern about it. But I somehow doubt it.
How would he react if you behaved in exactly the same way, with your own phone ?
maria's question is a wise one - is this recent behaviour ( more suspicious ) or has he always been like this ( maybe just excessively secretive by nature > ) does he behave just as secretively about anything else, or just his texting ?
Marriage counselling would probably be a good idea, advantageous for both of you.
I think Shelley bends over a bit far backwards to defend this degree of "privacy". Which may speak more about Shelley's relationships than yours.

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Just Me | 2012/07/30

I suggest you do the same to him. Put a password on your phone, put your phone away when he walks in, just act exactly like he acts and see what his response is and how it makes him feel. Chances are it will bug the living hell out of him. If he is cheating on you, he will start questioning you.

Me and my husband really respects each other''s privacy. He won''t go through my phone, wallet or handbag and I won''t go through his phone or wallet. There are no passwords. But if I had to ask my husband for his phone, he will give it to me without hesitation and visa versa.

Cellphones and smart phones are really such an intrusion on ones private life. Quality time that you used to spend with family and loved ones are now spent on facebook and twitter with loads of people who don''t matter really. Very sad indeed.

Good luck.

Reply to Just Me
Posted by: PleaseAdvise! | 2012/07/30

Thank you Expert!

He has always been pretty secretive about his phone and always very guarded...I mean he takes it with him to the loo and even when he''s mowing the lawn!!

Yes this odd behaviour is only about texting and never speaking.

He doesnt behave secretly about anything else...just his bloody Blackberry...which to my detriment, I recommended he get 2 yrs back as to help him with his business!!! Stupid stupid me.

We have had sooo many discussions about this and I just keep believing his excuses as I want to keep the peace, and if I have the problem, then I can fix it. I

You hit the nail on the head when you say " Yet it would presumably be really easy for him to prove that nothing is going on, by offering you easy and assisted access to his phone." 

BUT he just REFUSES and plays the card that I should trust his word.

Without getting access to his phone, I just cant prove anything and he knows that...so I just dont know what to do!!!

Reply to PleaseAdvise!
Posted by: PleaseAdvise! | 2012/07/30

Hi Shelley,

Thank you for replying but wow....so much anger is not necessary.

I hear you in many respects, but I have NOTHING to hide on my phone, or in my life...I share everything with my husband and I expect the same.

I have gone through these forums and have seen many similar topics such as mine, and everyone says a similar thing...If you have nothing to hide, then why the password &  why the constant guarding of the phone.

If you think he has nothing to hide, then please tell me why he is doing the above??

Actions speak louder than words.

Reply to PleaseAdvise!
Posted by: Shelley | 2012/07/30

U have serious trust issues. You and the husband should go for counselling. What do you want to do with his phone anyway? Is it not private? Why do you have this obsession to know who he is chatting with? You are doing this to yourself - you are obviously irritating your husband with your constant nagging about his phone. Does not matter how long you have been married, his cellphone is his business just as your phone is your business. A wedding ring does not mean the end of one''s life! Your behavour is enough to drive him into another woman''s arms! Stop your nagging and fighting - leave him alone, pretend it does not bother you. Just as I would hate it if my husband poked around on my phone, he would hate it if I did the same! Leave him and his cellphone alone, if he is doing something wrong, it will eventually come out. Why would any normal person want to put themselves through what you are doing to yourself is beyond me! Seriously!!! Stop questioning his cellphone usage. Don''t give him reason to hide things from you. You lose it when he does not want to tell you who is on his BBM list and if he tells you, you will no doubt go ballistic and that''s probably what he wants to avoid. All the screaming and shouting and fighting is aggravating the situation and stop begging, it''s pathetic! I am not being unsympathetic - I have been married for 11 years and have learned the hard way to not get into fights about trivial things. You will one day learn how to deal with your husband and then you will realise that you wasted a lot of time and energy on nonsense. The worst thing one person can do to another is to pretend that they don''t care - try it, it works. When I was married for a few months I always accused my husband of running around with other women - he sat me down one day and told me that if I ever accused him again, he would cheat on me and give me something to accuse him of. Give it a rest. Leave the room when he is on his cellphone, just stop humiliating yourself this way!

Reply to Shelley
Posted by: Maria | 2012/07/30

Has he always been secretive like this, or is it a new thing?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/30

Its remarkable how many folks who actually are cheating, accuse their partner of "having trust issues".
Maybe some entirely innocent people just choose, Lord knows why, to behave in a highly suspicious manner about their cellphones. But not many.
He is demanding the right to behave exactly as a cheater would, but that you must trust him anyway. Yet it would presumably be really easy for him to prove that nothing is going on, by offering you easy and assisted access to his phone.
This odd behaviour seems to be around texting, and not speaking, where at least you would hear his side of any conversation.
Stop apologisting, immediately. But stop reacting so obviously every time he does this. Maybe he's just chatting more innocently than it looks, and just getting more secretive about it in response to your obvious concern about it. But I somehow doubt it.
How would he react if you behaved in exactly the same way, with your own phone ?
maria's question is a wise one - is this recent behaviour ( more suspicious ) or has he always been like this ( maybe just excessively secretive by nature > ) does he behave just as secretively about anything else, or just his texting ?
Marriage counselling would probably be a good idea, advantageous for both of you.
I think Shelley bends over a bit far backwards to defend this degree of "privacy". Which may speak more about Shelley's relationships than yours.

Reply to cybershrink

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