Posted by: Mango | 2009-05-13

Is divorce the answer

Hi Doc, me and my wife had picked up some trouble in our marriage. She was actually unfaithful and I was on the way there but did not do anything. She wanted to divorce me and I decided to work on it. We got the movie Fireproof and I decided to take the Love Dare. It went well the last three weeks but all of a sudden she is so stubborn I can hardly talk to her. She phones me and starts screaming and as soon as I want to say something she puts the phone down. At home she doesn' t say anything. She told me there is no feelings for me at all and a divorce is the only option. I believe that God can save this marriage but my wife does not accept this. She does not even want counceling, just divorce. Is there any other way to try and save this? We have two boys, 4 and 1, and I love them just as much as I love her. I don' t want to lose them. Please give some advice. Thank you so much!!

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Our expert says:
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SOunds like she is profoundly emotional about this, for reasons that remain unclear. There's no way to save this if she refuses any alternative but divorce, but it does sound like a real shame for her to just give up, and to force you to do so, too. Good mariage counselling would help, of course, but needs her sincere participation. Some people, unhappy in their marriage for whatever reason, reject marriage counselling, I find, for two main reasons. One is if they are the officially "Guilty Party", they dread having to own up, especially in front of someone else, to what they did, and they expect to be blamed and made to feel bad, even if that is not the aim of the exercise. The other is, if they feel divorce is the answer ( and if it is, one needs to clarify what is the question ) --- they fear that a mariage counsellor will insist on glueing the marriage together and forcing it to continue.
In fact, marriage counselling can be very valuable even when the couple in the end decide to divorce --- at least they can do so more peacefully, knowing more about whatever went wrong and how to avoid it in future, and more able to part with less hurt to each other, and able to share the raising of the kids without sharing any of the hurt or anger with the children.
Maybe she screams at you by phone when the children are no around to hear ? Maybe she'll be more cautious when they are in the house with both of you ? Can you try talking with her about why you still care about her, and love the children, and want to stop all this hurt and work out the best plan for all of you --- and explain why you think counselling would be useful

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