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Question
Posted by: Annie | 2012/02/28

Irritable

Hi CS, hope you are doing well. I am in a relationship with someone who feels more for me that I for him. In the beginning my children were not happy with him, but they have came to the point where they accept him as my boyfriend. We only see each other weekends, although he would like to spend more time with me. Lately I feel irritated with everything he does, and he is only trying to be helpful. I feel like a horrible person because I cannot feel the same love for him that he obviously feels for me. I have actually drawn up a list of positives and negatives, and so far the positives are only about half the negatives... Everytime I try to break up with him, he tries to convince me that as soon as all my other problems are sorted out, I will realise that I love him as well, and I will be happy. Currently I am more miserable than ever before. I do come out of a very abusive marriage, divorced for over two years now, and still feel very sceptical that someone can love you so much as he appears to love me. I cant do anything wrong in his eyes. Am I stupid to keep on being against this relationship, or are the scars still too deep from my previuos marriage and that could be the reason why I am fighting against it? I already feel guilty because he is going out of his way to help me and buy me gifts and so on. He has been a widower for almost 12 years and says he has never loved anybody the way he loves me, and he thought that after his wife passed away he will never find anybody to love again, until he met me. I really feel horrible about it but I am not happy at all. I am in my fifties and he is 9 years older than me. Any advice?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Annie,
HMm, feeling about as well as can be expected, I suppose !
Children can be very sensible and accepting. The increasing irritation you describe sounds like a change in you, not in him. That list of negatives - are they all horrible things anyone would consider awful, or are they little things that niggle and bother you ? Much sounds like potential scarring from your previous, abusive marriage. Consider seeing a personal psychotherapist / counsellor first to sort out all the unhelpful emotional baggage you may still be carrying from the years of abuse ; and then consider some joint sessions of marriage counselling to help work on any joint issues that might remain, From your own description, the relationship sounds like one which should be able to bring you well-deserved happiness, if you don't sabotage it

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/02/28

Hi Annie,
HMm, feeling about as well as can be expected, I suppose !
Children can be very sensible and accepting. The increasing irritation you describe sounds like a change in you, not in him. That list of negatives - are they all horrible things anyone would consider awful, or are they little things that niggle and bother you ? Much sounds like potential scarring from your previous, abusive marriage. Consider seeing a personal psychotherapist / counsellor first to sort out all the unhelpful emotional baggage you may still be carrying from the years of abuse ; and then consider some joint sessions of marriage counselling to help work on any joint issues that might remain, From your own description, the relationship sounds like one which should be able to bring you well-deserved happiness, if you don't sabotage it

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