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Question
Posted by: VV | 2011/01/24

Introvert-extrovert relationships

Hi there Doc,

Trust that you are well.

I''ve posted a question previously regarding introvert-extrovert relationships where I was advised that such relationships can indeed work.... I am not so sure anymore.

I am an introvert, sociable, but in moderation whereas my fiance is the opposite. I am so frustrated that I don''t know if I should cry or laugh - we have engagements every single weekend with the same people (his friends or family). If it isn''t this ones b/day, it is this ones wedding, if it is not a wedding, it is a farewell, if it isn''t a farewell, it is a welcome home party.

We broke up more than I have fingers on my hands about the same issue, but we can''t seem to find a middle-ground. I get promises after promises that things will sociably calm down, but there is always something else we have to attend.

I am exhausted and don''t know if I can take anymore.

He clearly doesn''t understand that we don''t always have to attend everything.. and I get the feeling that he friends and family''s feelings are more important.

I know it sounds like a petty and small thing, but I am emotionally exhausted and I am thinking to end the relationship before we get married in few month''s time.

What is you advise, please?

Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You're confusing the extremely accurate advice I gave you " introvert/extravert relationships CAN / MAY work" with something I very carefully id not say, because it would be really foolish to say it, that such relationships ALWAYS work. Of course they don't. No particular type of relationship infallibly works.
You don't seem to be describing a couple ( you and your bf ) who are compatible, and it doesn't sound as though he is particularly interested in trying to be compatible. If he's in his 40's, he's probably set in his ways and would find it really difficult to change his self-centred habits, even if he wanted to.
What you describe is actually NOT a small and petty thing - and its about a lot more than just his insistance on incessant socializing with a small group of family and friends. And its not about extraversion and intraversion. It's about him not wanting to take your feelings and wishes seriously, and not wanting to change his social habits at all. Marriage would be a really bad idea unless things change significantly. And that would require that he recognize that there is a problem needing to change, and agreeing to participate sincerely in couples counselling

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Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/01/25

I agree with happiness. Why on earth would you want to go ahead with things?

He is not going to change..... and seeing that he is not doing anything " wrong" , why should he change?

You are " forced" ? Not true, nobody can make you do anything against your will? It is 2011.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: VV | 2011/01/24

Thanx, Deb. I am forced to go with as it is very rude if I don''t and what would the people say? (his argument) AND with all his engagements I don''t have time to go out with my friends - I try to where I can.


Reply to VV
Posted by: deb | 2011/01/24

Cant you compromise? Why must you go with everytime he has something on? Or cant you suggest only 1 social event a weekend that you will go to with him? Where are all your friends? Make plans with them, dont let him just take over!

Reply to deb
Posted by: VV | 2011/01/24

He is 40, by the way - hardly a youngster anymore.

Reply to VV
Posted by: Happiness | 2011/01/24

I also agree,

Why go ahead with the engagement since you''ve clearly stated you are not compatible?

Why must he change??

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Twit | 2011/01/24

You state you dont care any more so why are you going ahead with a wedding?
It does not sound just a personality clash but a clash of lifestyle choices - you are just not a party animal.
Dating is a period of getting to know a person,how did you get to the stage of engagement?
Only being engaged and not married affords you the opportunity to easily sever ties and find a new partner whos lifestyle and values are more compatible with your personality.

Reply to Twit
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/24

You're confusing the extremely accurate advice I gave you " introvert/extravert relationships CAN / MAY work" with something I very carefully id not say, because it would be really foolish to say it, that such relationships ALWAYS work. Of course they don't. No particular type of relationship infallibly works.
You don't seem to be describing a couple ( you and your bf ) who are compatible, and it doesn't sound as though he is particularly interested in trying to be compatible. If he's in his 40's, he's probably set in his ways and would find it really difficult to change his self-centred habits, even if he wanted to.
What you describe is actually NOT a small and petty thing - and its about a lot more than just his insistance on incessant socializing with a small group of family and friends. And its not about extraversion and intraversion. It's about him not wanting to take your feelings and wishes seriously, and not wanting to change his social habits at all. Marriage would be a really bad idea unless things change significantly. And that would require that he recognize that there is a problem needing to change, and agreeing to participate sincerely in couples counselling

Reply to cybershrink

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