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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010/08/02

Intimidating Father

Hi Doc. I''ve got a huge problem. Guess who? My father. So to make a long story short. He is 63, my mom died in 2007. He''s got this gift of making me feel guilty and terrible for everything even though I''m not doing anything wrong. I''m the youngest and only daughter with 2 older brothers. My father is half deaf and has diabetes. He drinks like a fish a smokes like a chimney. He''s got me constantly having this anxious knot in the pit of my stomach, cos If I can''t jump when he asks, he makes me regret it. I don''t think, or I''m not sure if he realises how terrible he makes me feel. There''s not enough space here to tell you everything, but I just want to know if you think going to a psycologist will help coping or dealing with this or whatever. I''ve wanted to go, but I just feel like I''m being silly. I don''t think he does this with my brothers, only me, well more with me than if with them at all. I didn''t realise what he was doing until my husband pointed it out to me, so now I know he''s doing it, but I can''t do anything about it. He''s very stuborn, he takes EVERYTHING personal, it''s like he''s living in his own world where everything is revolving around him, and anything that I might be responsible for, that inconveniences him, even though it''s beyond my control, and I can''t help it, he makes me feel like a basterd. And on top of that, I feel very sorry for him because he''s alone, and believe me, he makes sure that I''m aware of this constantly. So, I''m tired and I''ve got NO idea how to approach this.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He can only make you feel guilty if you allow him to do so. Of course, it will be hard at first to stop allowing him to do so, as this may have become a habit for you both. Your brothers should contribute far more to caring for your dad. Remember that indeed you ARe not doing anything wrong. He is grumbling, and this helps him to avoid responsibility for his own situation and mood.
Going to a psychologist could indeed help a lot, not only to make you feel better, but to help you devise better ways of dealing with him. You are not at all being silly, but being wise.
Remember, much of the reason why he is alone may be of his own making, and none of it is your fault. And deafness helps to make people isolated and irritable

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/02

He can only make you feel guilty if you allow him to do so. Of course, it will be hard at first to stop allowing him to do so, as this may have become a habit for you both. Your brothers should contribute far more to caring for your dad. Remember that indeed you ARe not doing anything wrong. He is grumbling, and this helps him to avoid responsibility for his own situation and mood.
Going to a psychologist could indeed help a lot, not only to make you feel better, but to help you devise better ways of dealing with him. You are not at all being silly, but being wise.
Remember, much of the reason why he is alone may be of his own making, and none of it is your fault. And deafness helps to make people isolated and irritable

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